


From Jeju, With Love

by TheIndigoDragonfly



Category: A.C.E (Beat Interactive Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Barista Yuchan, Explicit Language, Falling In Love, Heavy Angst, Idol Junhee, Idol Life, Idol dating controversies, Implied Anxiety, Implied panic attack (once), Implied/Referenced Stalking and Harassment, Implied/Referenced unhealthy relationships with food, M/M, Moderate sex, References to gambling/debt, Sasaengs, Some super soft moments, split POV
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-08
Updated: 2020-05-29
Packaged: 2021-03-02 01:34:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 55,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23926966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheIndigoDragonfly/pseuds/TheIndigoDragonfly
Summary: The boy who serves coffee in the little Seoul cafe is always lit up in a bright smile. But after a dark time in his Jeju family's past, life is a struggle for Yuchan, and beneath the smiles he's barely getting by.When Junhee comes into his life, everything changes for the better. But Junhee is hiding a big secret of his own: he's an idol in one of Korea's hottest groups. Desperate to cling onto the authenticity of his budding romance with Yuchan, he keeps the truth hidden away.Both hold onto their secrets - but they can hide their truths for only so long. And what then? Yuchan knows nothing of this dizzying world of music - Junhee's no-dating clause, his punishing regime, and the sasaengs watching his every move...
Relationships: Kang Yuchan | Chan/Park Junhee | Jun
Comments: 89
Kudos: 168





	1. Part I

**_Yuchan_ **

There was an art to making the perfect cappuccino.

One third coffee, one third hot steamed milk, and one third foam – but make it a touch more foam than milk. Gently swirl to release the larger air bubbles – and a little tap on the counter to get rid of the stubborn ones. And always, _always_ pour it into a heated cup, one that wraps the coffee in a warm hug. A little dusting of chocolate to balance the bitterness... Perfect.

Yuchan nudged back his bangs with the back of one hand, satisfied with his creation. He looked up and gave a bright smile to the girl waiting.

“Enjoy!”

He ducked his head respectfully as she collected her drink and went back to cleaning the equipment.

Perhaps making coffee wasn’t the noblest of all jobs – but Yuchan took pride in his work. Coffee was a little slice of peacefulness in so many people’s days and being a barista meant handing out happiness. Perhaps a customer’s work had been stressful, perhaps they were on their way to a big interview or exam, perhaps they had just been broken up with… He invented stories for customers every day, and only hoped he made their days a little brighter with a smile and coffee lovingly-made.

He retied the black apron around his waist and headed to collect cups from the adjoining room. This half of the café was filled with cosy armchairs and low tables, fairy-lights twinkling around picture frames on the walls.

It was almost a year to the day since he had started working here, when he had been a deer in the bright headlights of Seoul. City life was still deafening and exhausting, but at least now he had become accustomed enough not to shirk in the face of the Seoul folks’ bluntness, and to stop the Jeju _satoori_ from creeping into his speech.

He hummed along to the song on the speakers as he collected mugs, daydreams filling his mind.

His head in the clouds, he fumbled a half-finished drink and it banged back down on the table away from his too-late swipe.

“No-!” He looked up in panic as the cold coffee splashed onto the arm of the customer sat at the table, who jerked back a second too late. Dregs splattered onto the sleeve of the boy’s jumper.

“Oh god, I’m _so_ sorry!” He flushed pink, grabbing the mug and handing the boy his towel to dab at the stain. The heat on his face burned harder when he saw the label emblazoned on the front of his sweater. “Oh shit, you’re the only person to ever walk in here in Balenciaga, of _course_ I’d spill coffee on you...”

The boy looked up, amusement playing around his lips. Yuchan jolted in surprise – his eyes were bright blue. Sure, they sometimes got foreigners in here, but seeing blue contact lenses on another Korean guy…

“It’s fine, don’t worry about it.”

“Y’sure? I’m really sorry…”

“Stop worrying.” The boy handed back the towel and his lips curled up. “It’s a good job you’re cute…”

Every cell in Yuchan’s body cringed. He laughed a little, feeling awkward, and picked up the tray of empty cups quickly. His discomfort must have shown on his face as the boy rubbed his neck.

“Ugh… sorry. I heard it too… It sounded way less lame in my head.”

“It’s fine…” Yuchan muttered, still cringing, and he ducked a bow quickly and left as fast as he could without tripping over his own feet.

For fifteen minutes, Yuchan busied himself behind the counter. The end of the day approached and the customers dwindled, but there were always tasks to do that kept him busy. When he was confident that the redness had faded from his face, he stole a glance through the archway at the blue-eyed boy. He was focussed back on his laptop, typing away with headphones over his ears. Every so often, he pushed back a stubborn strand of black hair that fell into his eyes. Definitely older than Yuchan – he knew he was baby-faced for twenty-four, but this guy was all sharp jawline, high cheekbones…

He looked down quickly as the boy glanced up.

A final customer came in for a takeout drink, and Yuchan stretched his arms above his head as he heard footsteps. The blue-eyed boy smiled faintly and bowed his head.

“Thank you.” He fixed his bag over his shoulder and headed for the door.

Yuchan waged an entire war in his head in the space of a second. He was just a barista and he’d worked a long shift and looked scruffy and his hair was wild, but that boy had said he was _cute_ , and how many times did handsome older boys even look at him, and he should just find the courage to-

“If you wanna make up for that awful line earlier, you could leave your number..?”

He blurted it out before his rationality could render him mute. The boy stopped, one hand on the door, and looked back over his shoulder. A smile twitched on his face.

For the second time that afternoon, Yuchan cringed hard. He tried to cover it with a guilty smile as the boy walked back over to the counter, and, one eyebrow raised in amusement, held out a hand. Yuchan stared at it dumbly for a second, and then raced to pull out his phone and hand it over.

The boy tapped in his number and handed back the phone with a new contact saved: _Junhee._

“For the record,” Junhee said, a smirk still flitting around his face. “ _That_ line was just as bad as mine.”

~

Yuchan stood up on his pedals, wind tossing through his hair as he sped downhill in the sunset. The evening was warm, the working day was over, and his heart was still racing with giddy excitement.

It was a short commute to the apartment block he called home. The side of the building was marked with graffiti – he noticed a new set of scrawled initials as he chained up his bike with two padlocks, as always. He nodded to the neighbour smoking on the front doorstep as he passed and took the stairs two at a time to the third floor. His housemate’s voice was audible as soon as he opened the front door.

“I’m really sorry, ma’am, we’ll pay it right away. Yes, I’ll do it now, I’m so sorry… Sorry… Yes, bye.”

Yuchan shut the door quietly, kicking off his shoes and following the voice to the kitchen. Kyungmi sat at the little table, an ocean of documents spread around her, her long hair frazzled in a wild bun on top of her head. She rubbed her temples wearily.

“Everything okay?” Yuchan quickly forgot about the excitement of his afternoon as he sat down with his friend.

“We missed a bill this month,” Kyungmi sighed. She looked apologetic. “Do you have 50,000 won you could buzz me for your half? I need to send it over pretty quickly…”

“Yeah, ‘course.” Yuchan flashed a reassuring smile, but his stomach lurched. It was still a week until payday, and he was already scrabbling around in the bottom of his overdraft… But it was fine. He could cut back on lunches this week and cycle even on rainy days. He’d make it work.

“Anyway, sorry, what kind of a ‘welcome home’ was that?” Kyungmi smiled, and got to her feet, clicking her back. “How was your day, sweetie?”

He followed her into the little front room, collapsing into an armchair as he talked about his day. Their home was hardly big enough for one person, let alone two – but he always felt happy to come back here at the end of the day. He had found Kyungmi advertising online for a housemate a year ago, and tentatively met this stranger for coffee – and they had immediately clicked. Yuchan had always found it easy to make friends, and Kyungmi seemed to have adopted him as a little brother ever since.

“Pick a movie – I’ll make us some ramen.” Yuchan caught the remote thrown his way, and quickly found a film he knew his housemate would enjoy. As he waited, he took out his phone, biting his lip.

It had taken him and the other baristas a few hours to deep clean the café, and then he’d volunteered to lock up before heading home. He looked at the new contact in his phone and his heart fluttered. Was that long enough to wait? Should he wait a bit longer? What was the etiquette for seeming keen, but not _too_ keen?

He was still debating this, stuck on an empty chat screen, as Kyungmi returned and handed him his noodles. They started the movie as they ate, but Yuchan only paid the film half of his attention.

 _Stop agonising over this, it’s just a cute boy!_ _He might not even reply._

Determined, he began to type.

_Hey, it’s-_

Ah, another snag. How should he introduce himself? ‘Yuchan’ felt too formal, ‘Chan’ too informal, and ‘Channie’ was downright immature. He deleted the start of his message, paused, and tried again.

_Yuchan: So, you had enough time to think of a better line than your first attempt?_

He felt a little flurry of excitement as he hit send, and turned his attention back to the TV.

The ping came within a few minutes.

_Junhee: Probably not, but at least it was long enough for you to come up with a witty opener_

Yuchan stared at the message and bit back the smile that fought for a place on his face.

_Yuchan: Are you always this annoying?_

_Junhee: You have no IDEA how much I want to reply “only around cute boys”…_

Oh god, a smile was _determined_ to leak onto his face, and it brought with it a skip in his heartbeat and a warm little tingle in his belly…

_Yuchan: …How do I block a number..?_

_Junhee: At least tell me your name so I know whose blacklist I’m on_

_Yuchan: It’s Yuchan_

_Junhee: Cute. Was I right in thinking you have a Jeju accent?_

Yuchan tapped back his message, and then pressed on the circular picture next to Junhee’s name on the chat screen. It showed just a silhouette against a campfire, a sparkler in one hand. Yuchan smiled.

“Kang Yuchan.”

Yuchan leaped out of his skin, guilt flushing warm around his ears. Kyungmi watched him, one dark eyebrow raised.

“Yeah..?”

“Are you going to tell me why you’re glued to your phone with a big cheesy grin plastered on your face?”

He grinned sheepishly. Somehow, in their year of living together, Kyungmi had developed an ability to read him to a fault. Perhaps it was the close proximity in which they spent their time, but he knew that if she was calling him out, he was already busted.

“I… There was a guy at work today and-”

“ _I knew it was a boy!”_ She stuck out a hand, eyes wide and shining. “Phone! Gimme!”

“Nuh-uh!” Yuchan held his phone close to his chest, even as it pinged again. “No chance!”

“Why not?!”

“It’s… it’s embarrassing.” He laughed it off. “And anyway, it doesn’t mean anything. It’s just texting…”

“Yeah, yeah, shut it, Kang. Phone.” With a sigh, Yuchan relented, and he watched Kyungmi read through the chat, her eyes wide. “‘It’s just texting’..? Chan, this guy is flirting with you _hard_ …”

“You think..?” Yuchan’s unconvinced tone earned him a smack on the arm.

“Er, what planet do you live on?” She rolled her eyes and started to read. “‘ _Not to sound super lame (it’s not another line, I promise) but I was sorta glad you spilled coffee on me because I honestly couldn’t stop looking at you_ …’”

“Wait, he said that?!” Yuchan snatched back his phone, staring at the most recent message. This time, he failed to fight the smile from his face. “Kyungmi…” He looked at her sheepishly. “Would you hate me if I skipped the movie so I can go lie on my bed and text a boy?”

That earned a hearty laugh.

“Go! Go on, get lost. It’s the first time in history you’ve _actually_ shown interest in someone. Go flirt.”

Yuchan grinned, ruffled her hair and sprang to his feet. He was already replying to Junhee as he flopped down on his bed, making room among the pillows and plushies and wriggling until he was comfortable. Ah, but waiting for a reply felt like an _age_. He jumped up again, pulled off his work clothes and found a t-shirt and sweatpants.

Ping.

_Junhee: So when did you come up to Seoul?_

_Yuchan: A year ago, pretty much. You always lived here?_

_Junhee: No, I’m a Jeolla-do boy. I’ve been in Seoul nearly ten years… but the satoori will come out if you ever see me drunk…_

_Yuchan: I’ll make a mental note to make sure your drinks are extra strong…_

He paused.

_Yuchan: Yeah okay so that sounded bad…_

_Junhee: *laughing emoji* I’d drink you under the table, Jeju boy_

And that was how Yuchan found himself glued to his phone late into the evening. The hours passed, and somehow he didn’t find the time nor the willpower to question whether it was normal to talk for this long with someone he’d just met. But it all just came so easy – the jokes, the conversation, and then the photos of Junhee’s dog and the silly videos and the links to songs. And along with it came this warm feeling, like happiness and dizziness were blending into a heady cocktail in his chest.

It was one in the morning when Junhee finally told him he had to rest.

_Junhee: Tomorrow, let’s work out a day to meet up next week?_

Yuchan wriggled in excitement, turning his face into the pillow and letting out a silenced scream. This was so easy, _how_ was this so easy…

_Yuchan: Yeah, definitely._

_Junhee: Cool. Goodnight, Yuchan. X_

Oh, the way his heart somersaulted.

_Yuchan: Goodnight. Sleep well x_

~

**_Junhee_ **

Work began at 5am.

Not just an alarm set for then – no, that’s when Junhee was expected to be dressed, done with hair and makeup, and halfway across the city ready to begin. He snatched fitful sleep in the car on the way to the studio, his head resting on Chinsun’s shoulder, because every minute of rest could be the thing that stopped his legs buckling later in the day. No breakfast – the other six boys shovelled protein bars, but he just drifted in and out of sleep, his fingers wrapped around an iced black coffee.

They got their own waiting room these days. He had never minded sharing with other rookies, back in the day, but there was something to be said for the comfort of their own space. A little bubble in between the practice runs, the hair touch-ups, the hours and hours of waiting.

Even when filming was over, the day was far from complete. The seven boys, finally filled with enough caffeine, spent the journey home talking to camera, chattering about their day as the livestream captured their laughter. And ‘home’ was the company building, where they headed up to the fourth floor to practice until the evening grew dark.

“Are you really going to hit the gym now?” Haesong, the tallest and eldest of the seven boys, pushed back his blue hair as he looked at Junhee. “I’m about to collapse.”

“Weakling.” Junhee shot him a grin as they left the building together, pulling his gym bag onto his shoulder. “I’m only going for half an hour.”

And that half an hour was a struggle enough. By the time he got home to their dorms, tiredness had become dizziness and black spots flickered across his vision. The sweat on his neck had turned cold and his stomach growled, desperately empty. Most of the boys had already turned in for the night, but he found Haesong reading in the living room.

“There’s kimchi-jjigae on the side for you,” he said, not looking up from his book.

Junhee let his bag fall from his shoulder. “I’m good, I’m tired so I’ll-”

“No. _Eat_.” This time, Haesong looked up at him, disapproval etched on his face. “I make it my personal responsibility as leader to make sure you dipwads find the time for food.” He sighed, rubbing his face. “Take it to bed if you want.”

“Yes, Dad.” Junhee rolled his eyes with a smile, dutifully collected the bowl and headed up to his room.

Kisang was already fast asleep on the top bunk, one arm wrapped around a pikachu plushie. Junhee smiled and quietly pushed back a strand of pink hair from the youngest’s forehead.

He showered quickly, and relief washed through him as he collapsed into bed. His legs trembled violently, and for a moment his vision swam. But these days, he knew the difference between falling asleep and passing out, and he was keen not to do the latter. He pushed himself up to sitting and grabbed the bowl of stew, shutting his eyes in relief at his first proper meal of the day.

He pulled out his phone, and at the top of his notifications: _KakaoTalk message – Yuchan._

Suddenly, his weariness disappeared.

_Yuchan: Sorry for the late message, I just got off work *cry*_

Junhee took another mouthful of rice and juggled his spoon and his phone.

_Junhee: Don’t worry, me too. How was your day?_

Was that a bit much? Asking about his day – was he acting too close too soon? He had no idea how this worked…

_Yuchan: It was really good, only I’m sleepy from staying up messaging boys so late…_

_Yuchan: How was yours?_

Junhee snorted with laughter, abandoned his food and lay back on his pillow.

_Junhee: What irresponsible guys to keep you up like that. You should find someone better_

_Junhee: And yeah, it was good. Just got in from the gym._

_Yuchan: Just drop that in there… Smooth…_

_Junhee: Shut it_

_Yuchan: What do you do for work, btw?_

Ah. And there it was, the question he had been dreading.

When he had looked up at Yuchan in the café, he had seen a complete absence of recognition in his face. And since then, through their messages, it had been apparent: Yuchan showed no signs of having a clue who Junhee was.

No clue that he was an idol, a main vocalist, one of seven members of AJB - among the hottest groups on Korea’s music stages right now.

And so Junhee waged an internal war. He didn’t want to lie, but he also didn’t want this to stop, whatever _this_ was. His heart had fluttered like crazy when Yuchan had asked for his number, and messaging someone like this… It was refreshing. Exciting, even. And so far removed from the girls who flocked around him because of his fame, or success, or famous friends. For years, he had lost the privilege of knowing who liked him for _him_. He didn’t want to risk changing things with Yuchan now…

_Junhee: I’m a musician. I play shows and do some writing and producing._

Well… it wasn’t _un_ true.

_Yuchan: For real?!?_

_Junhee: It’s really not all that! So, when are you free next week? Got a day off?_

He thought ahead to his own schedule – and while he did get free time, it was scattered at best. He mentally ran through his commitments in the coming days. _Please say Tuesday, please say Tuesday…_

_Yuchan: Yeah, does Tuesday work?_

Junhee felt a flush of relief. He turned over onto his belly.

_Junhee: Perfect. Leave it to me, I’ll text you a plan._

He reached and turned off the lamp, snuggling into his pillow. With a tap he opened Instagram, logged in with the blank private account he kept for browsing, and found Yuchan’s profile from the link he had sent the night before. It was a colourful collage of Yuchan’s life: photos of artful coffees, dinners with friends, the seafront on Jeju, his family… And in every photo in which he featured, he had that massive smile, the one that lit up his face and crinkled his eyes. Junhee sighed, lip bitten. This guy was so cute, but in a way like he was oblivious to it.

And that was Junhee’s biggest weakness. He was surrounded by beautiful people every single day. People dressed in expensive clothes, perfectly made up in a hundred products, taking a dozen selcas a day and drowning in compliments from adoring fans. But this boy… There was something so utterly endearing about the way he had flushed so much at Junhee’s awkward flirting, the way he fretted with his hair over and over in little video clips on his Instagram, the way he was always dressed in too-big jumpers and skinny jeans. God, he was _gorgeous_.

A small, but clear voice whispered through his daydreams. _Don’t forget - you signed a contract with a no-dating clause._

It was far from uncommon - idols committing to avoiding dating for as long as they were in their groups. After all, he and the boys’ were marketed as their fandom’s boyfriends. And he didn’t mind that – he loved the fans, loved meeting them and seeing their shining eyes and beaming smiles. Loved knowing that their music and schedules brought happiness into the days of people that might need it. Hell, it’s why he’d become an idol in the first place.

This was okay, wasn’t it? He was just going to meet a guy – it’s not like the agency even knew his sexuality.

He allowed the gnawing worry to slip from his mind, and went back to his daydreams, his phone still in one hand as he fell asleep.

~

**_Yuchan_ **

Yuchan’s room had been swamped in an ever-growing sprawl of clothes. T-shirts, jumpers and button-downs had been rejected and flung onto the carpet until hardly anything remained inside his wardrobe. Eventually, he was defeated, and sat cross-legged among his pile of clothes in just his boxers, deflated.

“Are you- oh.” Kyungmi appeared in the doorway, surprise halting her words. “Well this is going well, I can see.”

“Help me…” Yuchan looked up at her beseechingly. “I don’t go on dates, you know this. I don’t know what to wear, and I can’t fix my hair…” He sighed. “Please help me look halfway to decent.”

Kyungmi picked her way across the chaos and crouched down next to Yuchan. She put her hands on his bare shoulders.

“Here’s a novel concept for you: this guy is going on a date with you because he likes you? And he thinks you’re attractive?” Yuchan looked up at her with scepticism. “Good god, I wish I could go to a store and buy you some self-confidence.” She pulled him up, and began to sift through the clothes around her, pulling out articles. “Here. This shirt comes up way too big on you and it’s cute – tuck it into skinny jeans, roll them up, and wear sneakers.” She made an exasperated face. “Done.”

Yuchan did as he was told and went back to fretting in the mirror. It would have to do. Anxious, he pulled at his bangs, trying to tame them. Growing up, his friends had nicknamed him Beggar Chan, after his sloppy dress-sense that found him kicking around in sweatpants and t-shirts. While he knew it was just a joke, a little seed of self-doubt had been planted in his chest, and had only flourished with time. And here, in Seoul, everyone was so immaculate, so focussed on appearance… He wasn’t sure how his simple look was going to hold up on any kind of date.

His fretting was cut short when his phone pinged.

_Junhee: I think I’m outside?_

Yesterday, Junhee had messaged to suggest they go out to Bukhansan for their date. Yuchan had felt a flood of relief – being outdoors was way more comfortable to him than going to some fancy restaurant or some other city activity. And, he had thought, it was kind of a cute idea.

Kyungmi’s voice followed him out the front door.

“Have fun..!”

Yuchan’s hands were shaking as he headed outside. He soon spotted Junhee leaning against a sporty white car, his chin and arm propped on the roof as he scrolled through his phone. The older boy looked up and broke into a smile so ridiculously handsome it made Yuchan’s stomach flip over.

“Hey!” Yuchan heard the nervousness in his own voice and covered it with a smile. Junhee watched him, his smile mischievous.

“Hey. Ready to go?”

Yuchan nodded, his face warm from that little glance up and down Junhee gave him. The flush only deepened when they pulled off the estate – _why_ did he have to have such a thing for hot boys driving..?

“You been out to Bukhansan many times before?” The question snapped Yuchan from his fantasising.

“I’ve actually never been out there. Kept meaning to in the last year, but no one from Seoul ever wants to do any actual Seoul-sightseeing stuff.” He laughed – _that_ laugh, the one everyone copied as a joke and that he hated.

“No way!” Junhee pushed back his black hair. Today, the blue contact lenses were gone, and his eyes were a rich mocha. “Well… I’m happy to do the whole visiting Seoul thing with you.”

They fell into conversation easily. The nerves gradually eased in Yuchan’s belly – this wasn’t so hard, no less natural than their flowing conversations over IM. Junhee was easy company, as though he was completely comfortable talking to virtual strangers. The drive was little over fifteen minutes, and their conversation barely faltered as they began their hike amid the families with children and couples who had come to see the views of the mountain that rose up on the outskirts of Seoul.

“Are you close with your family?” Junhee asked as they walked uphill. He was dressed in a striped shirt that practically drowned him, tucked into jeans that had Yuchan staring at his tiny waist. He caught himself and looked away hastily.

“Yeah.” He was hit with a pang of longing for his mom and dad, and a more complex twist of emotion for his older brother. He loved him dearly but… there were complexities there he wasn’t about to dive into now. “I miss being able to see them so much. Jeju’s pretty insular, it was a bit of a transition moving here.” He put his hands in his pockets. “How about you?”

“Not so much.” Junhee looked away. “My mom and dad didn’t love the idea of me pursuing music. Wanted me to take over the family restaurant… But I was a bit of a wayward kid.” He smiled, and _god_ , what a smile… “I never showed at school, my grades were _so_ bad, and all I wanted to do was sing.”

“Ah, following in the family footsteps, huh.” Yuchan sighed. “Same. Restaurant owner parents. Wanted me and my brother to take over… Take over the Kang family business.”

“That’s exactly it. Only son, so it was my place to carry on the… the Seong family name.”

Yuchan bit back a smile. _Seong Junhee_. Even his name was pretty…

“It’s important to follow your dreams.” Their eyes met, and Yuchan shrugged. “You’re happy, and that’s what matters.”

“Yeah…” Junhee looked thoughtful, and he smiled, his eyes warm. “I agree.”

And somehow, everything began to spill. Their childhoods, the music they loved, the places they had visited… Yuchan forgot that he had only just met this boy, slipping into a peaceful sense of comfort he reserved for his closest friends. All the social anxieties that made voices of doubt whisper away in his subconscious disappeared, and he found himself talking without any fear of what Junhee might think.

Around them, the landscape grew rocky and the trees burst in a hundred shades of green. Down below, Seoul faded into a sprawling grey expanse, and Yuchan took a deep breath. It was so much easier to breathe up here, it was almost – almost, but not quite – like being back in the countryside on Jeju.

High up into the mountain’s national park, they took a breather, sitting side by side on a rocky outcrop looking down on the distant capital city.

“By the way,” Junhee said, nudging Yuchan’s arm. “Had you noticed? We’re totally dressed the same.”

Yuchan laughed, looking down at their oversized shirts and black skinny jeans. “I had… Great minds, right?”

“Mh. Boyfriend look.” Junhee glanced at him, a little smile quipping on his lips.

Yuchan looked up to meet his eyes fast. His heart wouldn’t stop racing, his head wouldn’t stop swimming… And Junhee kept _looking_ at him like that, like… like he was interested in what Yuchan had to say, like he was happy in his company, like he was just as hooked on Yuchan the way Yuchan was already hooked on him…

“Oh, yeah. I bought us this.” Junhee grabbed his backpack and it snapped Yuchan out of his giddy little trance. He pulled out two perfectly-made bento boxes, filled with sushi and tempura. “You said on Kakaotalk sushi was your favourite, so…”

Yuchan accepted one of the lunches, certain that his face was betraying just how touched he was. “Did you make this..?”

Junhee snorted. “Are you fucking kidding? I ordered it. I can’t cook for shit.”

Yuchan burst out laughing at that. “I’m not going to lie, the only first dates I’ve been on have usually been drinking cheap wine in a slightly-less-tacky-than-normal bar.” He laughed, playing with his hair in embarrassment. “This is… this is really nice.”

“Well…” Junhee mused, his eyes back out on the horizon. “I don’t really date, so I might as well do it properly when I like someone.”

They ate, eyes out over the view – except for the glances Yuchan stole, and the ones he caught Junhee making in return.

The day passed far, far too quickly. After eating, they made their descent, talking at a hundred miles an hour. Tourists were flocking as the afternoon grew late, and Yuchan found himself dodging cameras, feeling like he was repeatedly getting in the way of people’s shots. He kept ducking apologetic bows when he found himself looking into another lens.

All too soon, Junhee was driving him home. They pulled up around the back of Yuchan’s apartment block, and Yuchan unclipped his seatbelt.

“This was… really fun.” He looked up, once again smiling to hide the heat that was pouring over his face.

“It was.” Junhee watched him, that intense stare and that small smile back on his face.

“Shall we… When are you next free?”

“Sunday?”

Yuchan nodded. “Sunday works.” He hesitated, and then summoned ever last ounce of courage and leaned across to peck Junhee on the cheek. “This was… the best first date I’ve had.” And with that, he laughed nervously, and hopped out the car.

He was halfway to the front door when Junhee called him. He turned, and found the other boy jogging over to him, holding out a hand.

“You nearly left this.” He held out Yuchan’s bracelet, the one he had a habit of removing and replacing when he was nervous, so often that he was always losing it.

“Ah, thanks…” He smiled at Junhee, and then suddenly felt warm as he watched him, playing with the bracelet with awkward fingers, and-

He couldn’t help the little noise that escaped his lips as Junhee kissed him.

It was simple, and fleeting, but it made Yuchan see stars. As he opened his eyes, he found Junhee looking into his face with an expression of affection and apprehension. Yuchan smiled, giddy.

“See you Sunday?” His voice quivered a little.

“See you Sunday.”

They hesitated, and then snatched another fast kiss, and a third. And then both of them laughed, pink-faced, and turned in their opposite directions. Yuchan glanced once over his shoulder before disappearing into the apartment block, feeling a hell of a lot like he was about to pass out.

As the door to his apartment shut, he leaned back on it, staring unseeing at the room around him. He could practically hear his own heartbeat, could feel his knees trembling from adrenaline. Oh god, oh _god_ , he was so nice and _so_ hot and he’d _goddamn kissed him_ …

He made it to his bedroom and fell down on his bed face first, grinning into the duvet. He knew he shouldn’t get too carried away, he knew that, but he couldn’t stop the happiness blossoming in his chest. It had been a long time since he had felt so at ease in someone’s company, and so desperate to see them again. Already, he wanted to message Junhee, tell him how much fun he had had – even in the giddiness he knew he had to reign it in.

He was gorgeous. Absolutely, impossibly fucking _gorgeous_. Yuchan and Kyungmi spent many hours watching dramas and movies together, and sighing over those handsome men on the screen with their high cheekbones and perfect shiny hair. Junhee could easily be an actor, he would have everyone fawning over him…

But he was a musician. Could he be more perfect? Yuchan rolled over, letting out a dramatic sigh. He wished Junhee had social media – he’d asked, and Junhee had laughed and said he was too technophobic for all that. He wanted to be able to lose himself scrolling through cute photos of him. Instead, he tried to busy himself tidying the chaos of clothes on his bedroom floor – and all the while breaking into dizzy smiles of excitement.

It was for the best that Yuchan took to making himself busy, and that he wasn’t in the habit of following pop culture. Otherwise, he might have seen the hastily snapped photos of himself and Junhee at Bukhansan appearing online, and the flurry of comments debating who this fresh-faced kid in an oversized blue shirt was.

_Gotta be family?_

_WHAT IF HE’S A NEW TRAINEE?!_

No – Yuchan remained on his cloud, oblivious to the girls online speculating about his identity.

~

**_Junhee_ **

Junhee flopped down on the bed, piling in close with his friends. Two staff members sat behind a tripod, and gave them the nod.

“Ready?” She gave the thumbs up, and they turned on their smiles.

“Hey! Honeybees, are you coming in?” Next to Junhee, Chinsun peered at the number on his phone, which flew up into the thousands within seconds. “Hi guys!”

“Let’s greet,” Haesong directed. “One, two, three, _always in motion_ , we’re AJB!” They nodded their heads, and the live broadcast began.

When they had first debuted, talking to camera had felt unnatural and forced. Junhee remembered those early days, worrying about whether or not he was funny, forcing his tone to sound natural and light. Now, it was second nature. He had grown comfortable in the adoration of their fandom and learned to chatter away with his best friends as though tens of thousands of people weren’t watching and commenting.

He enjoyed it now. He pulled out his phone, watching comments fly down the side of the screen: questions, _I love yous_ , marriage proposals – the lot. He read one aloud to the boys, making them laugh.

“This comeback really has been special to us.” Minhyuk propped his chin on his hands next to Junhee and they all nodded. “Now promotions are ending, we’ll be straight back to working on our next exciting things for you all.”

“Hey _hyung_ , this comment says now you’re free to plan the wedding…”

“My wedding?” Minhyuk looked baffled. “That’s news to me. What are you on about, Honeybee?”

Haesong kept scrolling through comments. “This one says ‘you can’t get married because you’re married to Honeybee.’” The boys all laughed at that. “We know, we know, we only have eyes for you all…”

Junhee glanced down at his phone, pretending to scroll through comments, but his eyes were unfocussed. He couldn’t quash the little bubble of resentment that rose in his chest at comments like that – and then the guilt that always followed it. He had dedicated his life to being an idol, and their fandom were the ones that supported them, bought their music, came to their shows and made all of it possible. But those comments of _possession_ , they made him desperately uncomfortable.

And with that familiar confliction came a new image. Yuchan, and the way he had quivered oh-so-slightly as Junhee had kissed him, an excited little smile on his face as they had broken apart. Afterwards, Junhee had driven home feeling like he was drugged, bursting with serotonin. It was enough to drown the fear around the fact he wasn’t quite sure what the hell he was doing. Enough to quiet the anxiety over the way he was withholding his career from Yuchan and, _shit_ , had even panicked and given a false family name.

He was just blinded by the way it felt to see Yuchan’s number light up his phone, and the little thrill that had gone down his spine to snatch even the most chaste kiss from him. And he was willing to blinker himself to what might happen down the line, where all this was going – because all he could think about was the next time he saw him.

He forced himself to concentrate on the broadcast and forget about the words of their fans.

_It’s just a date. I can kiss a boy – they just never have to know._

~

Junhee broke into a run, glancing at his phone with a curse. Their Sunday afternoon schedule had overrun and he had barely made it home in time to change and scrape off his makeup. He took the steps up to the restaurant two at a time.

Inside, he caught his breath, and broke into a smile as he found a familiar face.

“I’m so sorry for keeping you waiting!”

Yuchan looked up, and the smile crinkling his dark eyes made Junhee’s stomach lurch with butterflies. They may have messaged every day since their trip to Bukhansan but he had still been desperate to meet in person again, the thought of this evening filling his head at every schedule, every rehearsal.

“Hey! It’s fine, honestly. I was late getting out of work anyway, so I’ve not been here long.”

Junhee sat down next to him. He had once again led the way with their plans – keen to retain control over the places they went, just in case… And so he had suggested this little gem of a restaurant hidden away in a side street, open-fronted to the warm evening air and filled with fresh flowers and the scent of herbs and spices.

“I’ve wanted a drink all day,” Junhee sighed, opening the wine list. “Do you want to split a bottle?” Yuchan glanced at the list – and Junhee detected something on his face. Nervousness? He touched Yuchan’s wrist. “By the way – I’m paying for this.”

“What? No way, I didn’t agree to tha-”

“Well, tough.” Junhee leaned close to his face and narrowed his eyes. “Because I’m not taking no for an answer.”

Yuchan sighed dramatically, a smile flickering around his mouth. “I have a feeling I’m not going to win this fight.”

And Junhee began to feel all the stress from the day fade away, all the tightness in his weary muscles loosen. They caught up about their days as they drank their wine, and Junhee cupped his chin in his hand, finding it very hard to stop watching Yuchan long enough to look at the menu. He was torn away when the waiter approached and gently interrupted their conversation.

“Oh! Uh…” Junhee looked down quickly, mentally discarding half the menu in a few seconds. “I’ll just have the Thai salad please-”

“What?” Yuchan looked at him, scoffing. “Who orders a salad?!”

Junhee pulled a face. “…I do?”

“I eat like, six times a day, you’re not getting off with ordering a leaf.”

Junhee raised an eyebrow, amused. “You eat that much and you still look like that..?” Ah – that little blush he earned was so worth it. He made a split decision and closed the menu with a snap. “Go on then. Order for me.”

They fell back into conversation, and Junhee found that the smile on his face just never seemed to leave. Perhaps the wine was helping – but the two of them kept breaking out into giggles over the stories they were telling, Yuchan’s eyes wide and his face expressive.

Junhee was far too happy to pay mind to the amount of food he was eating – and that was saying something. It was drilled into him to be mindful of every last mouthful – but right now he couldn’t bring himself to care. The anxious voice that talked at him relentlessly as he ate was now subdued to just a brief whisper of guilt.

When they got their check, Yuchan complained again at Junhee’s insistence on paying.

“I’m older than you,” he scolded, swatting his complaints away.

“…Thank you.”

Junhee hung around waiting as Yuchan went to the bathroom before they left, and looked up from his phone as a young waitress appeared at his side. Her eyes were filled with a familiar excitement and his heart sank.

“Excuse me, um, I’m sorry to bother you but I recognised you and I love your music and I wondered-”

“Now’s not a good time. Sorry.” He shrugged apologetically – a little guilty at the look of disappointment that crossed her face, but more anxious to get rid of her before Yuchan got back. Thankfully, she bowed and left in a hurry, and he had time to smooth over his expression as Yuchan returned.

The summer night was still warm, and the moon hung full and white in the velvet sky. Junhee took a deep breath, and let it out with a sigh.

“Are you… alright?”

He turned, and found Yuchan looking at him with a barely concealed smirk. Junhee squinted a little.

“I… I guess I might be a little tipsy.”

Yuchan laughed. “Yeah, me too.” He pushed back his bangs. “You wanna walk down by the river?”

“Mh.”

Han River was quiet at this time of night. A cool breeze drifted across the water, and Junhee welcomed the way it caught his hair and cooled his face.

“I don’t do this much.”

He looked up at Yuchan, who walked with his hands in his pockets. “Coming down here?”

“No… Meeting people I feel comfortable with.”

Junhee slowed a little. “Really?”

“Yeah.” Yuchan looked away. The wine had left a pale pink flush in his cheeks. “I mean, I’m outgoing, and I can talk to whoever. And I guess… I can be loud sometimes too. But I find it hard to feel comfortable around new people. Especially so fast.”

Junhee’s heart skipped. “Me too.” He paused. Back in the café, this had been a moment of impulse, acting on… _something_ that drew him so fiercely to that messy-haired barista. Someone to text for a day or two, perhaps… But it hadn’t panned out that way, and he felt desperate not to let this new feeling in his chest stop. “We… We’re going to keep seeing each other, right?”

Yuchan looked up. “Yeah. I really want to.”

The breeze caught his hair, and sent his bangs dancing over his face. He glanced at Junhee with this _look_ , one that lit his insides with embers and made his breath catch.

He couldn’t do this, he couldn’t date while in his contract, he couldn’t meet a boy and fall head over heels for him, he just couldn’t-

Yuchan kissed him and he forgot all his arguments.

This time it wasn’t quick and nervous. Their mouths melted together, and Junhee pulled Yuchan in close. The feeling of circling his arms around that boy’s waist, the taste of wine on his tongue… Yuchan put two fingers under Junhee’s chin, tilting his face up as he was that little bit shorter, and that tiniest motion inexplicably sent sparks dancing down Junhee’s body. They broke apart, but Yuchan stayed close, curling both hands around the back of Junhee’s neck, all dark eyes and parted lips and- He kissed him again, and this time their lips moved against one another’s for a long time.

Stood out on the riverside, Junhee forgot everything else. Forgot the sleep deprivation that chased him through every day, and the sense of responsibility on his shoulders to set a good example to their fans. Forgot the highs of being an idol and the shackles on his life that came alongside them. The only thing that mattered, right now, was that this boy was holding him, and that his kiss felt like distilled lightning.

~

**_Yuchan_ **

For two weeks, Yuchan lived in a giddy wonderland. He met Junhee whenever their schedules allowed – snatching hours in the evening or taking lazy morning walks with coffee. And when they were apart, he felt this new sense of buoyancy – at work, at home, with his friends. A regular at the café had even commented that he was humming more than usual.

So happy, he could almost hide in that bubble from all his problems. Almost, but not quite.

He sat in his room on Friday evening, wrapped in a onesie and watching a drama on his laptop. Kyungmi was out and Junhee was working. Whenever Yuchan asked about work, Junhee waved it aside – either too self-conscious of talking about himself or fearful of boring Yuchan with the details. So he enjoyed a little moment of peace to himself.

His phone buzzed to break the silence.

“Hey, Channie.” As soon as he picked up, his elder brother’s voice brought with it a familiar tone. Yuchan’s heart sank.

“Hey, Yujin.” He paused the drama and sat up. “What’s up?”

“I, ah… Bro, you know I hate having to call about this stuff…”

Yuchan sighed, but he was careful to keep it silent. He forced his voice to remain light. “You know it’s okay.”

“Well, I kind of screwed up my repayment schedule. I need to pay another 120,000 won tomorrow on one of my cards. I’m so sorry to have to ask…”

Yuchan shut his eyes and leaned his forehead into the duvet.

His move to Seoul had not been a decision made for fun. It had been made almost entirely in the hope he could earn more money here… because his elder brother had gambled away _everything_. None of the family had known, until money started to go missing from the restaurant – first small amounts hardly noticed, and then the amounts rose until they had involved the police. He would never forget the night Yujin had come clean, breaking down in front of them. By then, he was far, far into a gambling addiction and up to his neck in debt.

For a long time, Yuchan had been prone to waves of anger when he was alone. How could his brother have been so _stupid?_ It had hurt their whole family, jeopardised their business… But, still, it was his brother. His family was close, and it was his fraternal responsibility to help Yujin. At first, he had just picked up shifts here and there in a café on Jeju around his work at the restaurant, but it soon became apparent that it wasn’t enough. And so, he had made the decision to relocate to Seoul, where he could work enough hours and receive a higher pay that would cover his living costs and leave him enough to wire the extra back to his brother.

“Channie?”

“Yeah! Yeah, sorry.” He snapped from his thoughts. “That’s fine. I’ll send it over.” He pushed away the surge of anxiety that came at the thought of losing that much money unexpectedly. God, things were going to be tight this month.

“Thank you so much Chan. I’m going to pay you back for this one day, I promise.” Yujin paused. “How’s everything going, anyway?”

“Yeah, same old.” Yuchan wanted to tell him about Junhee, knew how much his brother would delight in the news. They were close, even after everything, and there was nothing they didn’t share. But right now, the wind had been stolen from his sails and he didn’t feel like talking. “I gotta go cook some food though, I’ll catch you later.”

As he hung up, he pulled up the hood of his onesie and let out a long sigh. Opening his bank app, he sent the money over to his brother’s account, the figure left remaining making him feel nauseous. He reached to grab the notebook beside his bed, filled with little columns of figures. The money he had spent on breakfast with Junhee was yet to clear from his account, and he still had to pay his phone bill…

It wasn’t often that he let it get to him. And he never, _ever_ let anyone else see. But now, he let tears fill his eyes as he turned over and buried his face in his pillow. Stress filled every part of his body and he began to sniffle, frustrated by it all, fed up with his responsibilities, and guilty for admitting that he resented this situation so much.

~

A little grey cloud followed him the next day at work. Of course, nobody noticed – Yuchan was an expert at turning on a smile and brightening the room even when his own heart was aching. And besides – moping wasn’t going to change his situation.

He carefully made up the chai latte, dusting the top with dark chocolate to counter the sweet spices. The elderly lady watched him closely.

“I’ve got to say, you make the best chai anywhere in the city.”

Yuchan laughed. “You’re too kind, but thank you. Shall I bring it over for you? Where would you like to sit?”

“Oh, you’re a dear…” He walked with the lady to an armchair, and set down the mug carefully. “You’re a nice boy. Here – for your tips. Make sure you take it yourself though.” She pressed a 10,000 won note into his hand, and he bowed gratefully.

Back at the counter, he unfolded the note with a sigh. It was nice of the lady to want him to take it himself, and boy could he use the money. Nevertheless, he tucked it into the tip pot that would get shared out in their monthly wages. He couldn’t do that to the others.

The peak of customers came and went with rush hour, and the last few people working away on laptops remained. Yuchan stretched his arms over his head as the doorbell tinkled. He looked up, and his heart immediately lifted.

“Hey! What are you doing here?”

Junhee smiled as he pulled down his mask. His blue contact lenses were in and his hair all artfully swept back from his forehead. “I was hoping I could get some more coffee thrown over me…” he teased, and Yuchan grinned.

“That can be arranged.” He pushed up his sleeves. “You wanna drink? It’s on us – not like anyone else is around to say otherwise.”

Junhee frowned. “Yeah, but I’ll pay. I’m not accepting free stuff.”

They bickered for a minute, until Yuchan finally relented and put through Junhee’s drink on the iPad for contactless payment as the cheapest thing on the menu. He made up an iced americano and handed it to Junhee, frowning down at the tablet.

“Uh, Junhee, I think you just fucked up.”

“I didn’t.”

Yuchan looked up at him quickly. “Then… _why_ are you tipping us 75,000 won?!”

Junhee shrugged. “It gets split among you all, right?” Yuchan nodded dumbly. “Well, I gotta say thanks to this place for giving me a b-” He stopped, blinked, and blushed. “Giving me you.”

He wanted to protest, but Yuchan got very caught up on that little stumble. “Giving you a what, now?” he teased, grinning – but inside, his heart skipped. Oh, how he wished Junhee hadn’t caught himself.

“Shut it, you.” Junhee sipped from his drink with an eyeroll.

“Are you off work then?” Yuchan asked, and Junhee nodded. “I mean… do you wanna hang around? I’ll be done in half an hour… After, you could… come back to mine?”

He’d been putting it off, inviting Junhee over. Of course – he hadn’t an invite the other way, either, but he had started to long for evenings in their own privacy, away from the planning of dates and outings. He wasn’t normally embarrassed about the way he lived– he was in his early twenties, it was hardly unheard of to be living in a flat-share in a sketchy bit of town. But Junhee was older, and he was always dressed in nice clothes – hell, he had been wearing Balenciaga the first time they met – and his car was expensive… He was worried that he would see that Yuchan wasn’t quite on his level.

Junhee’s lips curled up into a smile. “Yeah. I’d love to.” He leaned over the counter and they grabbed a quick kiss, and grinned.

Yuchan’s friend was scheduled to lock up, so he grabbed his things as the store closed and fetched Junhee. He hung the apron over his shoulder and cringed a little.

“Sorry, I look like such a mess,” he laughed, pushing back his frazzled hair.

“You look fine.” Junhee curled back a tendril of his hair for him.

The walk wasn’t long, and Yuchan pushed away the nervousness that inexplicably filled his belly. He nodded to his neighbour who was smoking on the front step, and led Junhee up to the third floor. Kyungmi was away with work for a few days – and thankfully, the two of them had cleaned up the apartment before she had left.

“Well, this is me.” Yuchan laughed nervously as he showed them in and kicked off his shoes. “It’s really not much, I’m afraid… but it’s home.”

“Channie.” His heart jolted – both because it was the first time Junhee had called him that, and because of the hands he put on Yuchan’s waist. “Can I ask you to do something for me?”

Yuchan swallowed hard. “Uh… yeah?”

“Stop apologising for yourself.” Junhee reached up and smoothed back Yuchan’s hair. “You say sorry for the way you look and things a lot. I get it, but… You don’t have to apologise about these things to me. Okay?”

Yuchan nodded, not quite trusting his voice.

If Junhee did think anything of the little apartment with its mismatched furniture and clutter, it wasn’t apparent. He made himself at home very quickly, and the tension in Yuchan’s shoulders eased. He made them both food, and after eating they agreed on a drama they had both been meaning to start. Junhee pulled Yuchan back in between his legs, and Yuchan leaned back on him, fizzing with happiness as Junhee pressed kisses into his shoulder.

“Would you hate me if I changed into sweatpants?” he asked, stretching, as they started the second episode. Junhee pushed him forward.

“No, go on. You smell like coffee and it’s getting me buzzed.”

Yuchan slapped his leg playfully. “Do you want some comfy clothes?”

“Yeah.”

He fetched fresh clothes from the bathroom airing cupboard and changed quickly, and pulled out an extra set for Junhee, pointing him to his room to get changed.

“Hey, Channie?”

Yuchan trailed into his room, and found Junhee looking at the cluster of photos pinned up next to his wardrobe. He had changed into Yuchan’s clothes, and they drowned his skinny frame just a little, in a way that made Yuchan melt.

“Is this your family?”

“Mh.” Yuchan joined him, wrapping his arms around him from behind. “That one on the beach is my mom and my aunt. And that one’s my dad, my big brother and me.”

“Cute.” Junhee pulled Yuchan’s arm up and trailed kisses down his wrist. It made him shiver – and it didn’t go unnoticed. Junhee turned, and leaned up to kiss him lazily, playing with his bottom lip between sharp teeth.

The sensation that went through Yuchan was like the opening of a floodgate. He curled his tongue into Junhee’s mouth, the deepness of the kiss sending blood rushing straight down his body. Junhee pulled away and kissed below his ear, trailed his tongue down his neck, and sucked at the sensitive spot above his collar bone.

Fuck, it felt like his legs could give from beneath him, and he sank down onto the bed, pulling Junhee into his lap with a whimper. Junhee paused, his blue eyes fogged and heavy-lidded and his lips swollen from their kiss. Yuchan suddenly had a very strong, very visceral desire to mess up that perfectly tamed hair.

Another kiss, and Yuchan found himself on his back, Junhee crawling over him. Their mouths played with one another messily, until Yuchan grabbed Junhee’s thighs and flipped them both over. Junhee looked up with a gasp, his eyes a little blown out, and he let out nothing short of a moan as Yuchan pressed against him.

The fact that he didn’t know what he was doing didn’t stop Yuchan. Junhee’s tongue was like his own personal poison, and his body just felt so good, all toned muscle and hot hardness that he kept pressing up into Yuchan, his t-shirt riding up and showing off his stomach…

“Yuchan,” he breathed, his fingers pushing under Yuchan’s shirt and finding his bare back. “Are you a top?”

And there it was – anxiety piercing the little bubble of lust and bringing with it a flood of his self-doubt. It made him freeze, despite all the hormones firing through his bloodstream. He looked down at Junhee, unsure what to say, and then he blurted it out:

“I don’t think I’m ready for this yet.”

Junhee’s eyes widened in surprise, and Yuchan pulled back, face burning with shame. He sat up, eyes turned away. He felt Junhee sit up beside him.

“Hey.” His voice was incredibly soft. “Yuchan… it’s okay.” A hand found his arm. “I’m so sorry, I must have totally misread this…”

“No, no…” Yuchan shook his head, still feeling like his face was on fire. “It’s… You didn’t.” With difficulty, he managed to meet Junhee’s eyes: they were filled with gentle concern for him, and with it, a small question. Yuchan took a deep breath, and let it out slowly.

“What is it?” Junhee took his hand with gentle fingers.

“I’m going to be honest.” Yuchan heard the little tremble of nerves in his own voice. He hesitated. “I’ve… only slept with one person before.”

“Okay.” Junhee squeezed his hand. “We can take it slow.”

“Well… Also…” Yuchan paused. “That person was my ex-girlfriend.” A little flash of realisation appeared on Junhee’s face. “I’m sorry… I should have said…”

“Yuchan.” Junhee looked into his face, his eyes affectionate, and a little amused. “What did I tell you about apologising? It’s fine. I don’t care how many guys you have or haven’t been with. We can take this at whatever speed you want.” He stroked Yuchan’s thumb with his own. “Are you bi?”

Yuchan cleared his throat. “Well… Maybe…” he squeaked, and coughed again. “I don’t know… I haven’t settled on a label yet… I’m sorry…” His face continued to burn and he cringed hard.

Junhee, to his surprise, let out a quiet breath of laughter, before pressing a kiss into Yuchan’s shoulder. “Look, Channie,” he said, his tone gentle. “Right now, are you attracted to me?”

Yuchan looked up. “Yes, of course...”

“Then I really don’t care how you define yourself. I mean, if you want to work on that, I get that, of course, but… it doesn’t affect me and I don’t mind.”

Yuchan searched his face, and found honesty in his eyes. He swallowed down the emotion that rose thick in his throat.

“Thanks, Junhee.” He played with the material of his sweatpants. “Will you… Do you wanna stay the night anyway?”

Junhee kissed him gently. “Yeah, I do.” He pulled out his phone. “Let me message the guys I live with to let them know, otherwise they’ll think I got lost.” He tapped out a quick message. “Wanna get back to episode two?”

Yuchan felt a weight off his shoulders as they cuddled close in bed to watch their show. He’d hoped he could breeze through this without having to admit to Junhee that he had never been this far with a boy before. But it was unavoidable, he supposed – things were new to him again. He just needed a little time to work things out.

“What time do you start work tomorrow?” he asked a while later, leaning on Junhee’s shoulder. When no response came, he looked up, and found Junhee’s eyes closed and his lips slightly parted. He smiled, brushing back his hair. “Hey.” Junhee opened his eyes sleepily. “Come on, let’s go to bed.”

He only hesitated once before pulling off his clothes down to his underwear, and shamelessly glanced at Junhee doing the same. He couldn’t even stop the noise of disbelief from leaving his mouth.

“What?” Junhee looked up with a raise eyebrow, and then immediately looked Yuchan up and down, a smile creeping onto his lips.

“You.” Yuchan looked at his defined abs and the toned line that ran up his thighs. “It’s not fair.” He pulled Junhee onto the bed, planted a quick kiss on his stomach – and enjoyed the squirm it earned him – and then lay down with him.

“Says you.” Junhee coiled against him as Yuchan turned out the light. “Sweet dreams, Channie.”

Yuchan savoured the long, lingering kiss, totally infatuated over the way it felt to have Junhee’s bare skin against his, now that any pressure had disappeared. “Goodnight, Junhee.”

~

**_Junhee_ **

Every morning that Junhee woke up, anxiety jolted through him. What day was it? Did he have a schedule? Was he late to go the gym? What had he eaten the day before – was it alright to have breakfast?

He opened his eyes to an unfamiliar room, and a soft breathing beside him.

His heart panged. Yuchan was fast asleep, curled up on his side, his bangs falling over his eyes. It had been a long while since Junhee had woken up in someone else’s bed, and a _hell_ of a long time since it was someone he cared about. It was easiest to hook up with other people in the industry – and of course, that happened all the time, as both idols could be protected from the likelihood of anyone spilling it to the press. But this morning was oh-so different.

He reached out a hand to brush back Yuchan’s hair. He was so handsome, it was _crazy_. And he didn’t even know it. Junhee had worked out that his confident, outgoing exterior hid insecurity; he was someone who didn’t have a lot of confidence in himself and certainly not in his appearance. Junhee was going to have to work on that.

He thought back on the night before. Yuchan had burned red after his confession, but if anything, it was a little endearing. Between his years before music, his trainee years, and now… He’d lost track of his own tally. And god only knew the insecurity behind all that, seeking self-love in the arms of boys who barely knew his name.

A vibration on the bedside table caused Yuchan to stir. He groped for his phone, blinking at it hazily. “Mh, hello?” A voice spoke on the other end while Junhee took Yuchan’s other hand and played with his fingers. Ugh, even his _hands_ were attractive. “It’s alright. I can’t this morning.” He paused. “No, my boyfriend’s here.”

Junhee carried on tracing Yuchan’s ring finger. And then he stopped. He looked up quickly.

Yuchan stared back at him, eyes wide, and then a pink stain leaked across his cheeks. “I gotta go, yeah, later.” He hung up the phone, the flush darkening. “I-I’m so sorry, I’m half-asleep, I didn’t…”

“Shh.” Junhee cupped his cheek, his heart beating fast. He couldn’t stop the smile bleeding onto his face. “I… don’t mind my boyfriend saying that…”

Yuchan looked at him unmoving, and then a similar grin melted across his face. “Yeah?”

“Yeah.” He hoped he would never forget the happy look in Yuchan’s eyes right now. He kissed his shoulder. “Your boyfriend does need to get moving though. I’ve got to be at the studio at midday.”

“What are you working on?”

Junhee began to pull on his clothes. “Oh, just throwing around some new ideas for some songs. Nothing exciting.”

He made his goodbyes and headed out of the apartment, pulling out his phone to call a cab. It only took twenty minutes to get back to the dorms, and as he arrived he contemplated that he felt better rested than he had done in a very long time.

As he walked into their front room, four of the boys were sat around eating breakfast. Their eyes lit up as he entered.

“Ah, Park Junhee, you dirty stop-out!” Jihoon smirked around his ramen. He imitated Junhee’s text from the night before. “‘I’m staying out with some friends, back tomorrow’.” He snorted. “We’ve known you seven years and you _still_ think you can hide when you’re getting laid?”

Junhee wanted to indignantly fight his laughter, but he failed. “God, you’re making me have flashbacks to my dad waiting up to kill me for coming home late.”

“Was it someone we know?”

“Nope.”

“A rookie..?!”

“Look, eat your food and mind your own business.” Junhee walked past them, heading for the kitchen. He found Haesong cleaning up after the others, and he smiled. “Morning.”

Their leader looked up. “Was it someone we know?”

Junhee groaned. “Not you as well.”

Haesong rolled his eyes. “We’re basically seven cells in the same brain, don’t even think about hiding it from us.”

Junhee grinned, and leaned his elbows on the counter. “It’s not someone you know.”

“Oh? Someone from an agency? Staff?”

“Actually… no.” Junhee hesitated, unsure of how to proceed. Haesong was like a big brother – he always had been. When Junhee had moved to their company as a fresh-faced trainee at twenty, it was Haesong who had guided him when he needed it – and scolded him when he needed that, too. He lowered his voice. “It’s not someone in the industry.”

Haesong looked immediately alarmed. “Who is it?”

“He’s… I met him in a café.” Junhee felt his face go a little warm. “I didn’t really plan on anything happening but… it did.”

“Wait, is this the ‘friend’ you’ve been hurrying off to meet for the past few weeks?!” Junhee nodded and Haesong frowned. “So… This isn’t just hooking up, is it?”

“Well… no.” He rubbed his neck. “I mean, we haven’t even slept together yet.”

Haesong sighed, and his voice quietened to match Junhee’s. “You know how dangerous this is, right? If the agency finds out, you’re fucked. You signed a contract, Junhee.”

“I know.” Junhee looked away. “But I really like him.”

“And this guy? He’s happy knowing what you do? Knowing how careful you’re gonna have to be?” Junhee stayed mute and a real look of disbelief crossed over Haesong’s face. “Don’t tell me you haven’t told him…”

“I want to, but I… He doesn’t recognise me. He doesn’t follow this kind of music and… I like that. I like just being normal with h-”

“What if he, I dunno, googles your name?!”

“…I gave him a fake one.”

“Junhee!” Haesong looked at him with utter incredulity. He shook his head slowly. “Okay, what you have isn’t a relationship, Junhee. What you have is a complete mess.” Junhee didn’t speak. “Look, I’m not against you dating, if you’ve actually met someone you care about. It’s not the first time in our group, it happens. But Jesus, Junhee… You can’t have a relationship with someone who doesn’t even know your real name. Or anything about your life.” He spread his hands. “What happens when he wants to visit you at home? Or talk about your job? What then?”

Junhee rested his head in his hands. “I know…”

“You need to come clean, or end it. Because he’s going to find out sooner or later, and trust me, I don’t know the guy but he will _not_ be happy to find out through any other way.” He sighed.

“I didn’t mean to lie… It just got past a point I could go back.” It was a lame excuse, and Junhee knew it.

“Well, you made your own bed, now lie in it.” Haesong picked up his phone and headed for the doorway. “I love you Junhee, you know that. But fucking well clean up this mess.”

~

**_Yuchan_ **

It was evenings like this that made Yuchan so grateful for meeting Kyungmi. They sat on the living room floor, joined by two of Kyungmi’s friends, far too much pizza spread between them and their laughter loud. It was the simple pleasures in life, but after a long day at work, it was all he needed.

“So yeah, I guess you could say it’s going well.” Kyungmi’s friend Anna smiled, giddy, as she talked about the new guy she was dating. “But anyway, enough about me. Yuchan!” She held up a pizza slice in his direction. “I hear I’m not the only one…”

They all turned to him with eager eyes and Yuchan laughed. “Yeah… I met someone too.”

“Tell us everything.” Anna spoke around her pizza. “ _Ev-er-y-thing._ ”

And so, a little pink, he told them about Junhee – the way they met, their dates, and how things were going.

“And he’s so hot,” Kyungmi added, making Yuchan laugh. “What? He is. It’s ridiculous.”

“Do you have a photo?” asked Seoyoon.

He scrolled through his gallery to find one of the photos they had taken together. He held it up to the girls, and their eyes went wide.

“Woah, he’s _beautiful_ ,” Anna said. She leaned closer. “He looks…”

Seoyoon had already taken the phone from Yuchan, peering closer at the screen. “Anna…” she said slowly, her eyes filled with disbelief. The other girl wore a similar expression.

“What..?” Yuchan said, looking between the two of them, lost. They continued to look at each other, and then Anna pulled out her own phone. She scrolled through her Twitter feed and pulled up a photo, and held both screens up to Seoyoon.

“What the fuck…” Seoyoon managed, dropping the pizza she was halfway through eating. “Uh, Chan? You know who you’re dating, right?”

Yuchan stared at them both, baffled.

Seoyoon turned the phone screens to face him.

On one, his photo, a little poorly-framed, but it was cute, his and Junhee’s faces happy. On Anna’s, a photo of two boys, beautifully made up, microphones in-hand, holding a little cut-out of the SBS logo. And it was unmistakeably Junhee.

“Where… what?!”

“Yuchan, that’s Park Junhee. As in, Jun from AJB? You know, the _massive_ idol group..?!”

Yuchan took the phone. He scrolled through the Twitter feed. _AJB: Always in Motion._ 1.2 million followers. Official Instagram accounts… Fancafe link… Vlive link... And photo after photo of seven boys, seven boys and one very familiar face.

“Holy _fuck_ , Channie, you’re dating an idol!” The squealing came thick and fast from the girls. “He’s famous, girls literally throw themselves at him, oh my god..!”

But Yuchan stopped hearing it. He stared at the phone, unseeing. It felt a lot like his world had tipped upside down.

How was this possible? Junhee… he wasn’t a _someone_ , he was just _his_ someone…

Which meant everything Junhee he had told him about his work… was a lie. That he didn’t have social media, that he just didn’t like to talk about his job…

His name. He hadn’t even known his real name.

“Yuchan?”

Tears very quickly and very violently choked his throat. He dropped Anna’s phone and scrambled to his feet, stumbling past them and into his room where he shut the door with a snap.

The emotion came flooding out and he didn’t even know what he felt – all he knew was that everything hurt. That it felt so much like the day Yujin had confessed to his family about his lies. He sobbed desperately, and with shaking hands unlocked his phone.

“Hey, Channie! How-”

“When the _fuck_ were you planning to tell me?!”

The line went silent, and Yuchan broke into hopeless tears.

“Yuchan…”

“Tell me I’ve got it wrong, or tell me exactly what the fuck is going on. Because it looks a lot like I don’t even know who the hell you are…”

“You haven’t got it wrong.” Junhee’s voice was low and quiet. “I’m… I’m so sorry. I know this is going to sound like a lie but I was planning to tell you. Really soon. I… I’m so sorry you found out before I could talk to you.” Yuchan said nothing, pressing his fingers against his eyes as he cried. “Chan, please. Let me come over to you and we can talk.”

“So you can feed me more of your bullshit?” He knew it was harsh, but it hurt, everything hurt and everything was crumbling away…

“No. You’re totally right to feel that way. I’ve… I’ve lied to you. Really lied. I just… I’ll tell you everything. Please, Yuchan, I-” Junhee’s voice caught. “I know how this seems. I made a complete mess of this and I don’t expect you to be anything other than fucking furious at me. But I will tell you that everything about _us_ is true. I… I truly care about you. Please let me come and talk to you.”

Yuchan leaned back against the wall, trying to breathe through his tears. He didn’t know what he wanted, he didn’t know what was the right thing to do. He just wanted to believe that Junhee cared for him the way he’d thought.

“Okay.” He took another shuddering breath. “But coming here does _not_ mean I forgive you. I’m so pissed, Junhee...”

“I know. I’m heading over now.”

Yuchan hung up the phone without saying goodbye. He slid his back down the wall until he was sitting and pulled up his knees, the tears starting afresh.

A gentle knock came on the door.

“Channie, sweetheart?” It was Kyungmi. “Are you okay?”

“No…” He looked up at her, tears staining his face. “I feel like a fucking idiot. Everything was a lie.”

“You’re not an idiot.” She sat down next to him. “And… perhaps it wasn’t _all_ a lie. I’m not condoning the lies he spun,” she said quickly. “But I don’t think his feelings are false.” She stroked his hair. “I’m not for a second saying that should change how mad you are, but… I think what the two of you have is real, anyway.”

“But are my feelings real?” he echoed hollowly. “If I don’t even know the person I feel them for?” He shook his head, wiping tears from his face. “He’s coming over now, and I-” He choked again, and Kyungmi smoothed his hair.

“The girls and I will go to the bar on the corner, give you some space, okay?” He nodded. “But if you need us, just call. We’ll be right home.”

He waited to hear the door close and then got to his feet, still shaking. He paced until the doorbell rang.

Junhee’s eyes snapped straight to his face as he opened the door. He looked a little dishevelled, like he might have recently woken up, and his normally well put-together outfits had been traded for a big hoodie and skinny jeans.

“Hey.” His voice was careful, like he was testing the water. Yuchan turned away and walked back to the living room, his shoulders shaking as Junhee followed him.

“Yuchan…” He turned around again, and Junhee watched him, his face forlorn. “I… I want to hug you because you’re crying.”

“No.”

“N-no, I know… I…” Junhee took a hesitant step back. “I know. I’ve… lost the right to that.” He swallowed. “I’m sorry, I truly am…”

“Do you know what an idiot I feel?” The words finally broke free, and Junhee shut up fast. Yuchan shook his head in disbelief, tears still standing in his eyes. “I… I’ve been telling all my friends about this amazing guy I’ve met and how happy I am. And I just showed them a photo of you and… and _they_ told me who you were. And I had no idea. Do you know how stupid that made me feel?!”

Junhee stayed mute, and held his gaze.

“And I… I’ve been so happy, over this _person_ I thought I was dating, this person who said he’s my _boyfriend_ and it turns out I don’t know him at all.” He threw out his hands, a tear dripping from his chin. “After everything I told you, about… about my past and my sexuality and… and… and I didn’t even know your name…”

“Yuchan, please know I never meant to hurt you, and I’m so glad you trusted me with those things-”

“But you couldn’t trust me in return!” His voice cracked, and the tears began to flow in earnest. “I opened up to you and you… you _lied_. You lied over and over again and now I’m thinking back on all the times you lied, about your job, about who you lived with…” He wiped his face. “I don’t even know what the lie was for, I mean what was the point? Were you… were you just trying to sleep with me..?”

“ _No_ , Chan-”

“Then I don’t understand.” He knew he wasn’t letting Junhee speak, but it just kept rising up like bubbles in his throat and he couldn’t hold it back. “The fake name, the fake job… You must have been running off to schedules and telling me something different and…” He finally gave in to tears, and sank down onto the sofa. He put his face in his hands. “I just don’t want people to _lie_ anymore, I’m sick of it. Because my brother lied and it ruined everything… Why did you have to turn out to be the same…”

He sobbed, and now he wasn’t sure it was just about Junhee anymore. After a pause, very quiet footsteps approached him. He opened his eyes to find Junhee crouched in front of him, his dark eyes looking up at him with sadness.

“What did your brother do?”

“He started gambling until he was addicted.” He wasn’t sure why he was saying this now, why he was finally letting this spill to someone for the first time, when he had told _no one._ “And he got into debt, and started stealing from my family’s restaurant, and it nearly destroyed everything we’d all worked for. And it nearly broke up my mom and dad, and they still fight over it.” Tears stuck in his throat. “And my brother is in _so_ much debt, and I have to help him. I send him all the money I can but I’m a fucking _barista_ and I can barely make rent, I’m flat broke. I love him, he’s my brother, but if he’d just told us all the _truth_ it would never have gotten so far, I wouldn’t be here like this, I wouldn’t be struggling just to survive…”

And he finally broke, letting his tears come and wash away his words.

A gentle thumb brushed away a tear.

He looked up, gasping for breath. He was taken aback to find tears on Junhee’s face. Junhee held out a cautious hand, then withdrew it, so clearly trying not to step over the line. Yuchan crumbled and slid to sit on the floor, burying his face on Junhee’s shoulder. He thought everything had changed, but his arms still felt the same around him.

Eventually, the tears began to dry up, and he pulled himself away.

“Do you… do you want to hear what I have to say?” Junhee watched him, his face etched with worry. “I understand if not.”

Yuchan studied him, conflicted. He nodded.

“I’ll tell you everything, okay? And any questions you ask, I’ll answer… It’s nothing but honesty now, okay?” He took a deep breath. “I became a trainee when I was eighteen. I moved to Seoul by myself, and from then I lived and breathed music and performing. I debuted in AJB when I was 21, so five and a half years ago. After our first year, we started to really gain traction. Not just in Korea, but overseas, too. And suddenly, people started to know who I was. People would recognise me, fans would pop up in the most random of places – cafes, airport lobbies – and that wasn’t all that bad. It meant we were getting popular. That was our dream.

“I’m really not asking for pity when I say this but… It also meant I stopped being able to meet people and believe in their authenticity. I got burned in the early days. Suddenly, people wanted to be friends with me, or closer, because of the group I was in, or because they thought I could put a word in with an agency for them. I… I stopped making friends. I just stay with the boys – they’re my brothers, and I don’t really have friends besides them and other idols I know. And so meeting someone I actually care for… finding a relationship… it was out of the question. Plus,” he added, looking uncomfortable as he glanced away, “we’ve all signed a contract with a no dating clause.

“So, anyway, then I met you.” Yuchan’s stomach turned over as Junhee looked up at him. “You… made me happy. Instantly. I’m not even sure how, but you just did… And you didn’t recognise me, didn’t know anything about me. It was just completely _normal_. Not in a bad way-” he added quickly. “But I just… I could just let myself like you, and message you, and be excited about getting to know you.”

“While holding back on letting me get to know you.” Yuchan’s voice was sharp, but at least the tears had dried.

“Yeah. By holding back on letting you get to know me,” Junhee agreed. “I wanted to. I really did. But I was scared that you’d be put off, or you’d think less of me, or… I don’t know. It was really fucking stupid and unfair of me. But I just… I like you so much, I panicked, and I was afraid of losing you.” He shrugged helplessly. “I know that’s cliched, but it’s true. Suddenly every day was a bit brighter. Whenever you text me I kept grinning at my phone, and I worked hard to get a chance to see you again. And I did open up to you – I know it wasn’t about AJB, but everything else was true, I promise.”

Junhee looked desperate, searching Yuchan’s face for a reaction. “So that’s… that’s why I did it. It doesn’t excuse it. But I hope you know I did it because… Well…” He looked down, looking sad. “I wanted to hold onto this. To you. I’m so sorry. What I did was wrong and it hurt you, and I’m sorry that it hurt you even more because of what’s happened in your family. Just… Just know that everything I’ve shown you about how I feel about you… None of that has ever been a lie. You’re…” His voice wobbled and he blinked hard. “I want to be with you more than anything else. But I understand if I’ve fucked up my shot with you. I’ll go.”

Yuchan watched him, silent.

It… made sense. He wasn’t using it as an excuse, but it did explain his behaviour.

“So… everything else was true?” he asked slowly.

“Yes.”

“You’re twenty-seven?” A nod. “And you’re from Jeolla-do? All of that stuff was true?”

“Yes. It was, and I’ll tell you everything else you want to know.”

Yuchan nodded slowly. “And… you’d really want to break your no-dating clause for me?”

Junhee wasn’t able to hide the hope that sprang to his eyes – and Yuchan felt a little prickle of heat at the way he looked so desperate for forgiveness. “Channie… If you were crazy enough to forgive me, they could just try and stop me.”

The fact was, Yuchan had hoped there was a reason, hoped that Junhee could explain it and make everything better. And watching him talk so openly, with all those barriers finally down, looking a little messy and vulnerable… He believed him, more than he had even believed in his affections before all of this. His head hurt from the tears, from shouting, from feeling confused and afraid-

The kiss he caught from Junhee’s lips was conflicted and brought a rush of relief and emotion. Junhee’s hands jerks to clutch the front of Yuchan’s shirt, and as they pulled away his eyes were full of disbelief and hope.

“Never lie to me like this again.” Yuchan swallowed, his face close to Junhee’s.

Junhee shook his head, his hands still clinging tight. “I swear to god, I won’t…” He kissed him back, his mouth reaching frantically for Yuchan’s.

“I’m still… I’m still pissed at you.”

“I know.” Junhee cupped his face, breathing a little harder. “I’ll work hard to fix it…”

And then Yuchan gave in completely. It was going to be a lot to process, but he had looked in Junhee’s eyes and seen the honesty there. This was still the person he got rushes of dizziness over, still the person he wanted to see every day, no matter what his profession was. He was still utterly addicted to him.

He pulled Junhee into his lap, lost in his kisses. When Junhee leaned away, he saw with a pang that tears clung to his lash line.

“Why are you crying?” Yuchan whispered, stroking his back.

“I’m so glad to have a second chance. I thought I’d lose you…” He trailed kisses along Yuchan’s neck, and it felt like magic.

Yuchan was still reeling. And angry and relieved and shocked and it all came out in bitten lips and grabbing hands and sharp little intakes of breath. His head span – he was holding onto him, he wasn’t going to lose him and be on his own again. And the idea of losing him made it hit him how badly he needed him, how much he wanted him.

A little whimper escaped his lips and he hesitated, and then pulled off Junhee’s shirt with shaking hands and followed it with his own. And then they were on each other on the floor, kisses on throats and hips grinding out gasps from one another.

Junhee pushed Yuchan off him, and traced his tongue down his chest and stomach. Yuchan groaned as Junhee sucked gently next to his hip bones, leaving dark marks on his skin. Yuchan watched him work, his thighs aching so much it hurt, his jeans suddenly far too tight. Junhee hesitated, and looked up at Yuchan for permission. And just that look, all desperate desire through lashes, it nearly sent Yuchan over the edge. He nodded.

The room whited out. And then it faded in and out, and all he could do was arch his back and wind his hand through Junhee’s hair. For a frozen moment, he couldn’t even remember his own damn name. Too much… it was _too much_ … He pulled Junhee back up and kissed him messily. They scrabbled out of their jeans, their legs tangled, their hands stroking and fingers exploring until Yuchan pinned Junhee down with a growl.

“You sure?” It was the only words Junhee got out, creating a moment’s pause. Yuchan quivered in anticipation, his hand holding up Junhee’s leg.

He didn’t answer, but they both let out a mutual cry. And then the grabbing hands were back, and Yuchan swore the entire room was going to fade out, but Junhee guided his hips with tight hands and _fuck_ , it was bliss.

For just a moment, Yuchan was able to open his eyes. To see Junhee spread out on the floor underneath him, sweat on his forehead, hair tangled, and all that usual composure beautifully banished from his face… It was too much, and it was everything, and Yuchan realised that he was getting to know him after all, the _real_ him, in perhaps a way no one else did.

~

**_Junhee_ **

Dreams snagged on Junhee’s consciousness as he woke up. He was on a white beach, a long way from Korea, and he had nowhere to be.

He awoke instead to find himself pressed up against someone else’s skin. He instantly stopped craving that exotic getaway - reality was even sweeter. He pushed himself up onto an elbow. First, he pushed Yuchan’s hair back, smiling at the way it fell back over his forehead stubbornly. Then a gentle thumb over his thick bottom lip, fingers along his collarbone, before he took his hand and began to trace along his fingers. He was pretty sure he could be given hours to explore Yuchan, and not for a moment get tired of it.

“Mh.” Yuchan’s eyebrows knitted as he woke up, opening one bleary eye.

“Good morning.”

“Mh.” He stayed frowning, a pout on his lips. “…I’m hungry.”

Junhee snickered. “Jeez, already?” He lay back down under Yuchan’s arm and pulled out his phone. “I’ll order you breakfast. What do you want?”

“No, no,” Yuchan batted at him with one hand. “Just get yourself something.”

“I don’t eat breakfast.” He turned over; it felt blissful to lie against Yuchan’s chest. “Hey, Yuchannie?”

“Mh, Junhee…ie?”

He snorted. “Good one.” He traced a freckle on Yuchan’s clavicle. “Are we gonna be all good?”

“Yeah. I think so.” Yuchan wrapped his arms around him, finally opening his eyes. “I’m sorry I got so… Y’know.”

“No.” Junhee shook his head. “Don’t apologise. You were right to flip out. And… I know I still have a lot of trust to regain. But… I’m glad we’re going to be good.” There was a moment’s quietness.

“Will you tell me about AJB?”

He looked up, a little flurry of nervousness in his chest.

“Well… We debuted over five years ago. There’s seven of us. Haesong – he’s our leader and the oldest, Chinsun, Kisang – our maknae, Minhyuk, Byungchul, Jihoon and me. So we all live together, obviously. I share a room with Kisang.” He smiled, thinking of his brothers. “He’s just a baby but we get on so well. We all do.” He shuffled a little. “We had a comeback about a month ago and we’ve been promoting it since. Well, until this week. We wrapped up promotions. Got three music show wins for it, which was great.”

“Could you show me?”

Junhee looked up quickly, and found curiosity on Yuchan’s face. His heart fluttered. “Yeah.”

He pulled up his phone and went to their YouTube page, hesitated, and then pulled up their comeback stage and handed it to Yuchan. He picked at his nails, glancing up occasionally at Yuchan to gauge his reaction.

“…What do you think?” He couldn’t keep the note of trepidation from his voice.

“Junhee… This is insane.” Yuchan finished the video and clicked straight to the next: one of their Vlogs. “You’re… ludicrously talented.” He carried on watching the video; it followed their last concert in Seoul, and the seven boys messing around in their black leather stage outfits as they got their hair and makeup touched up. Yuchan sighed dramatically.

“What?” Junhee asked, reaching for the glass of water beside the bed.

“I just… You’re _so_ attractive, and you’re sucking _my_ dick.”

Junhee coughed his water over the both of them.

“Chan!”

Yuchan laughed loud. “Oh what, _now_ you’re shy?”

Junhee wiped his legs, and then growled. “You little punk.” He pinned Yuchan’s shoulders and shook them, and in return he got lifted up and planted back down into the pillows, both of them giggling. They fought with each other, tugging at each other’s arms, until Junhee pulled Yuchan with him as he tumbled backwards off the bed, shrieking as Yuchan’s bit his upper arm.

“Shut it!” Yuchan laughed, breaking away. “My housemate’s going to think I’m murdering you!”

They clambered back into bed, dishevelled. Yuchan pulled up his phone as Junhee played with his hair, scrolling through AJB’s Twitter feed.

“This look is so pretty…” he murmured, pausing over a set of photos from a show last year, Junhee and three of the boys featured, dressed in deep blue shirts and dark eye makeup.

“Yeah, but I have a hundred layers of makeup on. Look at the reality.” He squashed his own cheeks. “All spotty and dark circles.”

“I like your makeup _and_ your bare face.” Yuchan ran his hand along Junhee’s forearm. “So, idols don’t really date publicly… right?”

Junhee sighed. “Nope. I mean, people in the industry date. We’re… human beings. Fans want us to be sort of married to them, but… we need love, and sex, and family too.” He shrugged. “It tends to happen behind closed doors though. And a lot of us date other idols, or choreographers, whatever – people in the industry that can be trusted not to be a crazy sasaeng and run to _Dispatch_. And who understand that it has to be a very private relationship. Even agencies reinforce the no-dating thing. They expect us to be devoted to the job. I understand that we’re lucky to be where we are and no one should be slacking off – I’m not throwing a pity party about the sacrifices I’ve had to make – but… Yeah. Some companies are worse than others. Mine had us sign a no-dating clause in our contracts.”

“That’s crazy…”

“Yeah. So… if they found out I was here, they would say it could ‘tarnish my reputation’ and we’d lose fans, because they sort of see me as theirs.”

Yuchan looked up at Junhee’s face. “You’re not their possession, though.”

“No, perhaps not. But I signed up for this. And I love the fans. I really do.” He swallowed, meeting Yuchan’s eyes. “It just means… we have to keep this quiet. I’m sorry…”

“It’s okay…” Yuchan nodded. “I understand.”

They fell into silence, both reflecting on what lay ahead. So much to navigate…

“I’ll work out how to do this.” Junhee’s voice was firm. “I promise. This is all on me: it’s my job and company, I’ll make sure to find a way for this to work for us both.”

Yuchan looked up, and Junhee was surprised to see the fiery determination on his face.

“Together.” Their eyes met. “We’ll work out how to do this together.”

_｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ End of Part I ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And we're back..!
> 
> I hope you're all keeping well and staying healthy. I was so happy that you enjoyed my first two fics - so here we are changing things up with a JunChan story. I've been spending lots of nights writing this at 2am... whoops! I really hope you enjoyed the first part!
> 
> With love,  
> The Indigo Dragonfly
> 
> [Come say hi on Twitter!](https://twitter.com/IndiDragonfly)
> 
> ~
> 
> Part II: coming soon


	2. Part II

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuchan finally knows the secret behind the boy he met in the coffee shop - he's dating Junhee, main vocalist of hotshot idol group AJB. And in turn, Yuchan has let Junhee in on his situation, as he supports his messy elder brother and struggles to get by.
> 
> Their truths are out in the open and trust is slowly blossoming. But Yuchan is only starting to learn about the wild world of the music industry, and the watchful eyes that follow idols through every minute of the day...

**_Yuchan_ **

Yuchan paced, biting at his nails, until his phone buzzed once.

He leaped out his room and ran through the apartment, yanking back the bolt on the front door. Junhee was barely through the doorway before Yuchan picked him up and his legs wrapped around Yuchan’s hips. Somehow, around kisses, one hand under Junhee’s left thigh, he used his free hand to begin pulling open the buttons on Junhee’s shirt, carrying him hazardously across to his room.

They bumped - literally – into Kyungmi as she left her room.

“Unf,” Yuchan gasped, as they both stared at her, going pink. “Sorry.”

Kyungmi let out no less than a cackle. “You’re not sorry at all. Go enjoy… I dunno, each other.”

Yuchan grinned sheepishly, and carried Junhee into his room.

“Ah, don’t,” Junhee gasped as Yuchan tossed him down on his bed and kissed the side of his face. “You’ll be eating makeup. I didn’t have time to get it off. I’m caked in it.”

“Like I care.” He sat up, looking down at Junhee. His eyes were edged with peach, his skin made up like glass. The shirt that was now undone to his stomach was a beautiful billowy white material that caught the light, tucked into expensive black jeans. Yuchan groaned.

“What?”

“You look like a fucking angel,” he whined, and wasted no time in messing him up entirely.

It was four weeks since Yuchan had found out about Junhee’s career, and eleven days precisely since he’d been able to see him last. AJB had spent a week filming a reality show in Japan, and then flown back to four days of photoshoots and meetings for some premium fan content. Eleven days, but it had felt like a lifetime to Yuchan. They were doing an excellent job of acting like a pair of dizzy teenagers; skipping a heartbeat every time they met, falling asleep on the phone together at night, unable to keep their hands off each other. Junhee had relaxed so much since Yuchan had found out the truth – and it felt like they were growing closer and closer, fast.

It was still a lot to process. Some days, Yuchan would give in to temptation and end up scrolling through endless fan Twitter accounts, YouTube clips and VLive videos, not quite able to fathom that one of the boys these people screamed over was… just Junhee. For the most part, it was amusing, and only occasionally unnerving. He had dipped a little too far into the online community one day and found a circle of young women posting explicitly about their favourite idol, quick to screenshot and share every split second his shirt rode up, every good angle in tight jeans. That in itself he didn’t have a problem with, per se – but it began to rapidly wage war on his insecurities, and he had put down his phone firmly.

That polished boy in the photos wasn’t the one here now. As they collapsed together half an hour later, a little spun out, Junhee clung to Yuchan’s waist, those blue eyes big and happy as he peered up at him.

“I really missed you.”

Yuchan smiled, nuzzling his hair. “I missed you too.”

They lay together in silence, catching their breath and content just to be back together. Junhee began to talk to him about the day’s schedule and he listened, still fascinated by this new world.

“But… I have bad news.” Junhee rolled over and propped his chin on his hands. “I have to go super early in the morning.” Yuchan felt a pang of sadness. “I know I said I would be able to stay a bit, but… I need to be back at the dorm, we’ve got to go into the studio first thing. I’m sorry.”

“Hey, it’s okay.” Yuchan smiled. “I understand. What time do you have to go?”

“…Half four.”

“Half four!” Yuchan sat up, reaching for his phone. “Junhee, it’s midnight now!” His voice softened. “You should have stayed home and slept, dummy. You didn’t need to come here.”

“But.. I really wanted to see you. I’d rather have a couple hours sleep here with you than twice as much on my own.”

Yuchan couldn’t quite find the resolve to argue with that.

“Just make sure you’re looking after yourself,” he said instead, brushing back Junhee’s bangs and kissing his forehead. “They’re really pushing you hard right now.”

“Yeah…” He snuggled into the pillow and yawned. “But you’re still going to come to our show on Friday, right?”

Yuchan reached to turn out the light, even though he knew they would find it hard to stop talking after way too long apart. “You kidding? I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

~

**_Junhee_ **

At some indiscernible point, learning choreography morphed into strengthening muscle memory. He had lost count how many times they had rehearsed this song today – fifteen? Sixteen? And then there were the other seventeen songs on their setlist. Tomorrow’s show routine had to be perfect, and they would graft until it was.

“You’re nearly there.” Junhee looked up at their choreographer as he wiped sweat from his neck. She sat with an iced coffee against the mirrors. “I know it’s a while since you performed this last – just tighten the screws around the edges, okay? Minhyuk, watch your hands and fingers. _Extend_.”

“Yes, teacher.”

“It’s little things like that that will set you apart.” She clapped her hands once. “Again.”

The seven of them went back to their starting positions. Junhee took a deep, slow breath. Every muscle in his body hurt. He was going to need one of the boys to help stretch out his legs later, otherwise he was going to wake up tomorrow on concert day completely seized up. A little trickle of cold sweat ran down his cheek and spots blinked across his eyes – but he had no time for them. Focus.

Their song started from the top and muscle memory kicked in once more. They danced in perfect unison, executing each move with the polished professionalism of years in the business.

Junhee watched himself in the mirror, determined to catch any tiny faults. But… why was the mirror so foggy..? Why did his feet feel so far away..?

He stopped dead, and then everything went black.

He came around lay on his back. Five worried faces crowded into the space above him, looking down at him as he opened his eyes. A sixth appeared, telling them all to back off.

“Junhee?” Haesong crouched over him, helping him as he sat up. “Easy… easy… Come on. Nice and slow.” He slipped under Junhee’s arm and helped him to his feet. Junhee wobbled. His legs were quivering, and he clutched onto his elder brother as he helped him out of the side door that led to the terrace.

“Here, drink this.” Haesong sat him down in a chair, crouched in front of him and held out an energy drink. Junhee took it, struggling to drink when his hands trembled so hard. “We can’t have you passing out, Junhee… You need to say if you need a break.”

“I don’t need a break.” Junhee tried to get to his feet but he was forced back down.

“Stop fucking around.” Oh, it was _that_ tone, the one Haesong reserved for the rare occasions he drew on his position as their leader. “Or we’ll have you collapsing halfway through tomorrow’s show.” His voice softened. “Junhee, imagine this was one of the babies. You’d be sending them right home to bed until they felt better, wouldn’t you?”

Junhee held his gaze unhappily, and he knew that he was right. He was spared from answering as the door opened, and CEO Choi walked outside, his mouth pressed into a thin line. Junhee’s heart sank.

“Hae, you can head in. I’d like a word with Mr Park.”

Junhee squirmed awkwardly as Mr Choi drew up a seat and joined him. He had the kind of stare that he swore could cut through steel.

“Well you can stop looking like I’m about to beat you up, for a start.”

Junhee looked up, sheepish. “Sorry, sir…”

He sighed. “Are you going to tell me why my main vocal is fainting in rehearsals?” Junhee stayed mute and Mr Choi leaned forward, sighing once again. “Let’s rephrase that then. Are you going to tell me what you’ve eaten today?”

Junhee looked away over the Seoul skyline. Mr Choi was somehow like their group’s father – stern, not unkind, and impossible to lie to. “Nothing yet, sir.”

There was a weighted silence. “Junhee, it’s six in the evening.” He took the energy drink from Junhee’s hand. “And you can stop drinking this shit too, all of you. Ah, really…”

“I haven’t had time yet.” Junhee met his eyes awkwardly. “I’ll get something later.”

“No, you’ll get something now. And you’ll go home _now_. And rest until tomorrow.” Junhee kept tight-lipped, knowing that protesting would get him nowhere. “You know, Junhee, we’d tell you if you needed to diet…”

He knew that. But the pressure didn’t come from anyone else – it came from within. Mr Choi ran a tight ship – but he wasn’t cruel, and Junhee knew that their company was a damn lot fairer to them than many others. And while the staff pushed them hard, they only pushed them within their limits. The rest was on him. He wanted everything to be _perfect_. His singing, his dancing, his visuals… That’s what he owed the fans, right? That’s the least he could do, surely, when he was privileged enough to stand up on that stage, just like he had dreamt as a kid?

“I’m ordering food to your dorm now, and your manager will drive you home. Get your stuff.”

And with that, Mr Choi stood up and went back inside.

For a moment, Junhee stared out at the city, the wind catching his hair. Frustration bristled over his skin. This was ridiculous. He’d passed out for a few seconds. He could just eat some snacks and be fine in half an hour.

He growled and stood up, lights flashing across his vision, but he ignored them to go inside. The others were finishing another run-through and he grumpily pulled on hat, mask, hoodie and bag.

“You heading off?” Chinsun wandered over, adjusting his headband.

“Yeah. Choi sent me home from school.” He rolled his eyes.

The others looked concerned, and Kisang touched his arm. His eyes were wide. “Eat lots, okay, _hyung_? And when we’re back we’ll look after you.” He shuffled and hugged Junhee round the middle, and a little of his bad mood thawed. He stroked Kisang’s hair. Whenever he was around, Junhee melted a bit – he’s always had such a soft spot for their _maknae_.

He was quiet as their manager dropped him home, and he accepted the delivery of food that was already outside waiting. He glanced into the bag on his way inside and snorted softly. It was from his favourite ramen place. Choi liked to make out he was some crusty old man, but he was still a softie who remembered his idols’ favourite food.

Inside, he peeled off his clothes and showered, and then dressed in pyjamas and settled down with his food. God, perhaps he _was_ starving.

He ate in silence, replaying his conversations with Haesong and Mr Choi. A creeping discomfort came over him. He felt… so _weak_. The others weren’t passing out like this. The others didn’t need to take a break, go home, rest while everyone else worked. Kisang shouldn’t be looking up at him with scared eyes – Junhee should be setting an example, looking after him…

He put down his chopsticks, his eyes suddenly blurry. He blinked hard, but the tears wouldn’t go away. He took a shaking breath.

 _Yuchan_. That’s who he wanted right now. No one else would do. But he was reluctant to let him see that he was struggling… He picked up his chopsticks, wolfing another mouthful.

However, for all he was used to bottling up his feelings, he couldn’t help but remember what had happened last time he had kept something from Yuchan. How much that had nearly cost him…

He picked up his phone and dialled Yuchan’s number.

“Hey!” Oh god, even that happy voice was a balm to his heart. Junhee shut his eyes, pressing his forehead against the heel of his hand.

“Hey, baby.” Even now, the way it felt for _that_ to slip from his tongue made him curl his toes in happiness. “How are you?”

“Yeah, good! I’m just walking back home, I went to get some groceries. How’re you?”

He hesitated. “Um, yeah...” Tears rose back up his throat and he choked them down. “I’ve had a bad day.”

“A bad day? Hey, what happened?”

Junhee shut his eyes, tears leaking between his lashes. It was almost too much, hearing that little note of gentle concern in Yuchan’s voice. He took a shaky breath, determined to keep his tears silent.

“Junhee, hey…” Yuchan’s tone was gentle. “What is it? Talk to me.”

“It’s not even a big deal.” Junhee sniffed back the tears – why did this already feel so cathartic? “Practice was just… _hard_ , and I fainted.” He wiped his eyes on his sleeve. “I’m fine, but they sent me back to the dorms to rest and I just… feel useless.”

“You fainted? You poor thing…” Yuchan’s voice was sympathetic. “Well, you’re not useless. You just work incredibly hard and everyone’s body needs a break sometimes. You feel okay now?”

“Yeah, yeah I’m fine.”

“Okay. Ah, Junhee, I wish I could get you some tangerines from back home. Honestly, they cure everything…”

Junhee stopped wiping his eyes and burst out laughing despite himself. The tears stopped falling. “Channie, that’s _the_ most Jeju thing I’ve ever heard.”

“What!” He could hear the grin in Yuchan’s voice. “Well it’s true. You haven’t had them yet – you’ve yet to learn their secrets.”

“You’re so fucking weird.” He laughed again, and wiped the last of the tears dry. “I… already feel a bit better.”

“It’s okay to ring me when things are hard, you know. I’m always here for you.” Junhee sighed, drinking in how it felt to hear him say that. “Now, you’re gonna get into bed, watch a bad movie, and call me before you go to sleep, okay? So I can say goodnight?” His heart skipped. “Then tomorrow you’re gonna do this show, go to the company dinner, and then you’re going to get a cab here and I’ll wrap you up like a burrito and you can sleep all morning, and I’ll make you breakfast. It’ll be the start of two whole weeks of downtime, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Awesome. Well, you can rest a bit more and maybe, I dunno, we could plan something fun. Go explore somewhere. Something healing for you.”

“…Thank you.”

“Don’t thank me, that’s my job. Now go get into bed and text me what dumb movie you pick. ‘Kay?”

“Mh.” He got up and put his dishes in the sink. “Yuchan?”

“Yeah?”

“I…” He stopped, the word catching on his lips. He wanted to say it, he _really_ wanted to say it, but he’d never said it before and it made his belly fill with nervousness. He backed out. “I’m glad to have you.”

He heard Yuchan smile. “Me too. Now go on. Bed.”

Junhee hung up and sighed, looking at the screen. He smiled wistfully and whispered it now instead.

“I love you.”

~

**_Yuchan_ **

Yuchan couldn’t help but smile at Kyungmi’s outfit. She was wearing a hundred rainbow colours, a pair of AJB logos bobbling precariously on her headband. She beamed at him with a little skip.

“I’ve never seen you so excited,” he commented, and she twirled around again, linking her arm through his.

“Are you kidding? I haven’t been to a proper big concert in _years_. Do you know how much big groups charge for a ticket?! It’s half our rent!”

Yuchan did know – he had seen on the tickets Junhee had handed to him. 220,000 won. Each. He had stared at the number dumbly, wondering how the hell these girls who now flocked to the arena could afford to do this on a regular basis.

The noise hit them before anything else. Already, _thousands_ of fans filled the space, and their collective voice swelled to something almost physical. Lightsticks blinked around the arena, and the air was drenched in a sense of anticipation.

They found their seats after some navigation – right at the front of a section raised up a little so they could see right across the floor and stage. Yuchan leaned his arms on the railing.

“How do they do this…” he murmured, more to himself than Kyungmi, but she appeared next to him.

“Fuck knows. Imagine how it would feel knowing this many people turned out just for you…”

On the other side of Yuchan, two girls scrabbled to take their seats. Like Kyungmi, they wore bobbling headbands and clutched lightsticks and banners. The noises coming out of them were barely decipherable. He smiled as he caught the eyes of one of them and she grinned, all wobbly.

“Oh-my-god-I’m-so-excited-I-want-to-die,” she burst out, and then let out a quiet little shriek, making both Yuchan and Kyungmi laugh.

“Us too.” Kyungmi slung an arm around Yuchan’s neck. “Have you seen them before?”

“No!” the girls chimed in unison. The one closest to Yuchan checked the time anxiously on her phone; her background was a photo of Kisang and Junhee, and it was one of the most surreal moments in Yuchan’s life. “Who’s your bias?”

Yuchan didn’t miss a beat. “Chinsun.”

Kyungmi snorted loudly next to him and he grinned. “Yeah, yeah, but he gets wrecked by Junhee. _Frequently_.”

He was glad of the girls excited babbling to distract from the way his face went bright red.

The moment the first deep thrum of a note boomed through the arena was complete and utter electric. Lightsticks turned green simultaneously and thousands of voices gave a unified scream. The second seven silhouettes appeared on stage, outlines of faces on the big screens, Yuchan’s hand was grabbed in a vice grip. The girl next to him was already crying, and the second the song started she leaned on Yuchan and began to sob.

One arm around her, and one arm clutched by Kyungmi, he watched, completely and utterly unable to take his eyes from them.

It made no sense.

His Junhee, the one who wouldn’t sleep unless he was wrapped like a koala around either Yuchan or a plushie… The one who went all pink and giggly after one glass of wine… The one who liked to sit, drowned in too-big borrowed sweatpants, watching cheesy dramas with him… It couldn’t be the boy on that stage. It just _could not be_.

Watching videos online and music show performances had given him a sense of Junhee’s life as an idol. But nothing could have prepared him for _this_. It was euphoric.

They were _flawless_. They moved like they shared a consciousness, dressed in military jackets and black jeans, bright lights following each of them like a spotlight. When they stopped several songs in to greet the fans and introduce themselves, Yuchan could barely make out their words through the shrieking around him.

And then there were backing dancers, an interlude, and then the military outfits were gone and replaced with sheer shirts and leathers. The girls next to him looked like they were about to pass clean out as they watched the seven boys grind on the floor, and Yuchan felt a lot like he might join them.

Two hours passed at lightning speed. The AJB boys took a pause to speak in turn before their last song.

“You know, all of you here are the reason we exist.” Junhee paused, a hand on one hip and a smile creeping over his face as the fans screamed out their I-love-yous. “Today… it’s been special. Sometimes we get tired, or sick, or things are hard, and Honeybee is the thing that makes us keep going. We love you so much.” He made a little heart symbol and the girl next to Yuchan burst into fresh tears. “And actually, today was… extra special, for me. Um, I don’t often have family and friends here to support me but I do today, and I don’t know whereabouts you are but… Yeah.” He grinned, looking shy as Minhyuk put an arm over his shoulders and shook him gently. “I’m really happy you’re here.”

Yuchan really wasn’t sure what to do, or how to feel. He simultaneously wanted to scream, and cry, and hold Junhee very, _very_ tight.

“Oh my god, do you think his parents are here?!” one of the girls squeaked.

“After they never supported him when he was growing up,” the other cried, wiping her cheek. “Oh my god, I hope so…”

Yuchan watched Junhee, his chest thumping, and his words were lost to a thousand fans all shrieking the same thing anyway:

“Junhee… I love you.”

~

“I still can’t believe how insanely good they are.”

Kyungmi was flopped on the sofa, her hair wildly dishevelled and her eyes wide. She had been like that for the hour since they had gotten home, and Yuchan laughed.

“I mean… same.” He played with the last of his noodles, curled up in the armchair.

It wasn’t long before the doorbell rang. Yuchan hopped up and lit up in a smile as soon as he saw Junhee on his doorstep. He was wrapped up in a bucket hat, mask, and his collar was turned up, but his eyes crinkled as he stepped inside.

“Were we okay?” It was the first thing he said as he pulled down his mask, looking at Yuchan with anxious eyes.

“You… It was incredible. Junhee…”

“I’ve never had so much fun in my _life_.” Kyungmi bounced up, joining them. “Junhee, you were _so good_! You-” And she set off, reliving every favourite moment from their setlist. Junhee’s lips curled up and he shot Yuchan an amused glance.

Once they had relived the concert in detail, the three of them headed for bed. Yuchan was privately glad when he could shut the door to his bedroom and feel arms slip around him.

“You really had a good time? You thought we did okay?” Junhee searched his face, and Yuchan kissed his nose, smiling.

“Okay? You’re incredible. I’m… I’m really proud of you.” He stroked back his hair tenderly, thinking about the words he had whispered into the tide of voices at the show. He wished he had the courage to say them – he just wanted to whisper them into Junhee’s hair again and again – but a little flutter of nervousness held him back. Instead, he grabbed cleanser from the dresser, pulled Junhee onto his lap on the bed and began to gently wipe away his makeup.

“Mh.” Junhee let out a little noise of happiness as he allowed himself to get cleaned up, his eyes shut. “I could fall asleep with you doing that.”

“Sleep then. You did so well today.”

He finished up and lay Junhee down gently on the covers to let him sleep. But Junhee reached for him and pulled him close, and Yuchan pressed soft kisses onto his throat. Those words, they kept repeating, aching through every cell in his body. He didn’t know when it had happened, he didn’t know when he’d recognised a feeling he had never felt before – but now love was coursing through his veins with every beat of his heart and it was all-encompassing.

Junhee sleepily tilted his head and kissed the spot above Yuchan’s collarbones, the sensitive spot, and their kisses and touches blurred somewhere, indistinctly, into sex – slow, and tender, and gentle, and making Yuchan feel a hell of a lot like he held in his arms the most precious person on earth.

~

**_Junhee_ **

It has been a long time since Junhee had driven out of Seoul, and he sighed with contentment, one hand on the wheel and taking a sip of his iced coffee with the other. It was a glorious summer’s day, and the air that came in through the open windows was warm, an uninterrupted blue sky guiding the way.

He glanced over at Yuchan and smiled. He pillowed both arms on the passenger window, tilting his face into the sun, the wind blowing through his hair.

It was a week into the precious downtime he had after promotions and the concert, before AJB were due to start working on the next comeback. It was a time where his tired mind and body could click back into being a functioning human: he was sleeping more than a few hours a night and eating at normal mealtimes. It was so fleeting, and he knew he couldn’t get too accustomed to it, but the freedom was sweet while it lasted.

“I can see the sea!” Yuchan leaned further out the window, his eyes lit up. He turned to Junhee with a grin, grabbing his own chocolate-chip-mocha-frappuccino- _whatever_ and slurping at it happily. Junhee smirked. For a barista, he was hardly much of a coffee snob.

Yuchan was bouncing out of the car almost before Junhee could pull up the handbrake. He grabbed an entire armful of things from the backseat and whined at Junhee to hurry up, and Junhee laughed, slipping sunglasses on and putting a hand on Yuchan’s back fondly.

Who knew bringing this boy to the beach could have him so excited? Junhee drank his coffee, one hand in his jeans pocket, and raised an eyebrow as Yuchan scurried off ahead and skipped down onto the soft sands. It was times like this that Junhee keenly felt that Yuchan was a few years his junior. But it was far from a bad thing; since he was barely more than a teenager, life had been so serious, and he and the boys had rapidly needed to mature beyond their years. He had a feeling that this was good for him.

It had been some time since he’d come out to Naksan beach. A great stretch of golden sand ran along the sea, and unlike other tourist hotspots, it was refreshingly quiet. Junhee knew he could come out here and relax, unafraid of people getting too close and recognising him.

He joined Yuchan at the spot he had chosen, and collapsed onto the beach towel before Yuchan had even straightened it out.

“He-ey!” Yuchan tugged at it, but Junhee just opened one eye and smirked at him. “God, you’re so annoying.”

He didn’t mean to fall asleep – and he hadn’t the other dozen times in the past week, either. But his body was so utterly unaccustomed to downtime, and to feeling at ease, that it just swept over him. So far this week he’d woken up with a book on his face, and face down in what was left of his lunch.

When he woke up, he couldn’t find Yuchan. He sat up, stretching, and rubbed his puffy face, a smile beginning to creep over his mouth as he spotted him. God above, could this kid get any cuter…

“You know,” he said as he walked up to Yuchan, his toes sinking into the wet sand nearer the waves. “A good sandcastle needs a moat.”

Yuchan looked up, sat among his creation. There was sand on the end of his nose. “Then you can help!”

The afternoon passed in a blur of sandcastles, ice cream and paddling. Junhee honestly could not remember feeling so light and carefree.

They were still sat out as the sun began to set over the ocean and the sky turned to a dusky pink. Junhee sighed, brushing sand from his legs.

“I’ve got to be about ten shades darker after today.” He snorted. “The company will kill me.”

“Why?” Yuchan drew lines in the sand. “It’s your skin. Would they actually say something?”

Junhee shrugged. “Probably not. But I’m planning to have pink hair for this next comeback, and it’ll look prettier if I’m pale.”

“Pink!” Yuchan echoed, and Junhee was amused at his shocked expression. He drew more circles in the sand. “I… I saw photos of you from when it was blonde…”

“Mh..? And..?”

“…And I like it. A lot.” Yuchan flushed a little, and Junhee allowed a sly smile to creep over his face.

“Oh really? Hm… Perhaps I need to change the plan and go blonde instead…” He crept smug fingers over Yuchan’s thigh and kissed his cheek.

“Fine.” Yuchan scowled at him. “But don’t expect me to have any self-control around you if you do.”

Junhee laughed hard at that.

The sun began to dip into the waves, sending a golden reflection dancing at the horizon.

“The sea always puts my troubles in perspective.” Junhee looked up, surprised at Yuchan’s weary tone. He was silent for a minute, and then began to speak again, answering the question Junhee hadn’t had to voice. “I’ve been so frustrated about everything with my brother. I just… I can’t even imagine what my life would be like if I had a little money.” He sighed, resting his chin on his knees. “I don’t want fancy stuff. I don’t even want to live in a nicer apartment, although I guess that would be good too.”

“What would you want the most?” Junhee curled his fingers through Yuchan’s, watching his face carefully.

“I dunno. I guess… To be able to pursue what _I_ want to pursue.” He sighed again. “I don’t mind working at the café. But… it’s hardly what I dreamed of doing.”

“Do you know what you’d like to do?”

Yuchan bit his lip. “It sounds dumb… But I’d love to take a cooking course and get really good at it. I liked working in Mom and Dad’s restaurant and I love cooking. Not that I even get to do it much because I… I can’t really afford nice ingredients.”

“Channie…” Junhee’s heartstrings tugged. “That doesn’t sound dumb at all.” He put a hand on his knee. “You should do that. Follow your heart. Why don’t you… let me get you some nice ingredients so you can practice?”

But Yuchan was instantly shaking his head. “I don’t mean that, I’m not asking-”

“-I know you’re not. And that’s why I’m offering.” Junhee looking at him frankly. “Channie, to be honest… I know how much this affects your pride. And I get that.” He hesitated, proceeding carefully. “Would I be right in saying that… one of the reasons you’re nervous to come and meet the boys this week is because of money? And you’re worried what they might think?”

Yuchan looked up. “How did you know what..?”

“I can read you pretty well.” He smiled gently.

“Well… yeah.” Yuchan looked away, looking uncomfortable. “I mean… All of you are dressed in Gucci and Balenciaga when I look at your social media. You all have money. I’m just… broke.” He laughed, but there was sadness in it.

“The boys don’t care about anything like that. Yuchan…” He pulled him around gently. “They only care if you make me happy. They’re all from normal families and good god, we know what it’s like to be flat broke. Our company had _nothing_ when we started. We had this shitty little building, our dorm was straight-up haunted…” He let out a breath of laughter. “Yeah, we’re a bit older now and we have some nice things. But none of them care if you’ve got money. Just… Just come and meet them. It’s my equivalent of you meeting my family.”

Yuchan met his gaze. “Okay…”

“And listen, about your situation… Let me help you out.” Yuchan immediately began to protest but Junhee shushed him. “Just let me pay for all our food and our trips out, and I’ll help you work towards getting into cooking.”

“No, Junhee…”

“Look, you do so much for your family.” Junhee swivelled to face him. “You care so much about them and you’ve worked so hard to do everything you can for them. It’s time someone did the same for you.”

Yuchan looked a little watery-eyed. “I just… I don’t want to accept anyone’s charity…”

“It isn’t charity, baby… It’s what you do when you love someone.”

There was a beat where it didn’t register on Yuchan’s face, and then his eyes snapped up to Junhee’s. He searched him quickly, and Junhee’s heart stopped. Oh, well _that_ had slipped out…

“What..?” Yuchan looked a lot like he had stopped breathing.

Junhee watched him, at the distant sunset catching in his dark eyes. To hell with it. It was the truth.

“I… I’m in love with you.”

For a long moment, Yuchan just stared at him, and then he reached out a slow hand to Junhee’s waist.

“I… _God_ , me too…” He leaned close to Junhee, still searching his face.

“Really?” Junhee pulled him in tighter as he nodded. He breathed out shakily. “Could you… say it?”

Yuchan’s hand curled around the back of his neck, and he looked into Junhee’s eyes like he was able to see his soul. “I love you.”

Junhee lost himself completely in their kiss. He just wanted him, every single bit of him. He wanted to help him when he needed help, see those beautiful big smiles every day, wanted to watch him get excited over sandcastles and sugary things. He wanted to help erase that self-doubt that lingered, and shower him with so much love that he started to realise how special he was. He wanted to watch that sweet smile disappear into a hungry snarl when they were in bed, because that rough Yuchan was _his_ and no one else’s. He wanted to always wake up to him and tell him he loved him and _fuck_ , if he didn’t think he wanted all those things for the rest of his damn life…

But he couldn’t coherently express those things right now. As the sun disappeared, all he could do was kiss him hard, and hope ‘I love you’ would suffice.

~

**_Yuchan_ **

“Um… Do I look okay?”

Nervous, Yuchan pulled on his bangs, hating the way they refused to stay neatly in place. He was wearing the same outfit he’d worn the day of his first date with Junhee, and even though Kyungmi had picked it out for him that day, he fretted over whether it was enough.

“Relax…” Junhee smiled behind his mask. “They’re going to love you.”

Yuchan wasn’t so confident. The only time he’d done the ‘meeting friends and family’ thing was with his ex-girlfriend – and her parents had already known him from the town. This was meeting six grown men – all of whom knew Junhee better than anyone else… Oh, and they were world-famous, successful idols.

He trailed after Junhee into the gated parking lot, around the side of a building and up through a narrow walkway. Junhee unlocked the front door and flashed Yuchan a smile over his shoulder as he led him upstairs.

The dorm was spacious but far from fancy – Yuchan wasn’t quite sure what he’d been expecting, but after the glamour of the concert he’d attended, he would have been unsurprised to walk into somewhere that felt like a film set. But the open living room and kitchen looked like any space a normal group of young men would live in.

Three sets of eyes glanced up from a video game as they entered.

“Hey…” The lips of one boy began to curl into a smile, and suddenly Yuchan felt very warm under their obvious scrutiny. Junhee smiled at him too.

“Boys, this is Yuchan.” He curled his little finger around Yuchan’s. “Channie, this is Minhyuk, Byungchul and Jihoon.” Yuchan knew that, of course – he scrolled through their social media accounts every day. He’d watched them sing and dance and take part in reality shows, and he suddenly started to feel a little starstruck. He nodded a bow and laughed nervously.

“Hey Yuchan! Nice to meet ya!” Jihoon glanced down at the boys he sat with; they were all in sweatpants and t-shirts, snacks spread out around them and crumbs in their laps. “Uh, sorry, we’re not always like this…”

Junhee snorted. “Why lie?”

“Fair point.” Jihoon took a mouthful of crisps and shrugged. “We’re a house of slobs.”

Yuchan smiled, trying to push away the butterflies in his stomach. “Are you playing _Borderlands?_ ”

“Yeah! Do you play?” Yuchan nodded. “Oh fuck, can you help?” Byungchul shoved Minhyuk out the way and chucked a controller at Yuchan which he caught with a jolt. “C’mere, we’re having an absolute nightmare on this quest because Minnie’s useless.”

And so Yuchan joined them, immediately put at ease by their laid-back camaraderie. In fact, he got so wrapped up in their game and quick humour, he was too comfortable to even notice that Junhee wasn’t even sat with them until he returned with an improbably tiny boy wrapped around his waist.

“Wah, hi _hyung’s_ boyfriend!” If Kisang was pretty in his photos, it was absolute nothing on seeing him in person. He was all cheekbones and huge brown eyes, candyfloss hair like an anime character, and Yuchan would have thought him delicate if he’d not seen for himself how hard that boy could dance. The two of them joined the others on the floor, Junhee snuggling back to lean on Jihoon’s chest as they played. The boys asked Yuchan questions – but it wasn’t the interrogation he had feared. They just seemed to accept him into their fold, and it made Yuchan feel very happy indeed.

Later in the afternoon, Haesong and Chinsun returned from the gym, and once again Yuchan turned pink in the face of all these ludicrously attractive boys. He fought the blush from his face as Haesong wandered around in a towel and absolutely _refused_ to look at the smirk Junhee was throwing him in response.

They all had dinner together and soon the evening grew late. Yuchan was almost sad to bid the others goodbye, and was still smiling as he and Junhee headed out the front door.

“Well?” Junhee asked, hovering on the step above Yuchan. His face was full of anticipation.

“They’re great.” Yuchan grinned at the relief on Junhee’s face. “Seriously… I didn’t expect to feel so welcome. They’re… You have an amazing family.” He kept on smiling as Junhee pulled him into a tight hug.

“I’m so happy… And they loved you, I could tell.” Yuchan looked up at him, enamoured with that boyish smile that split his face – this evening had mattered so much to him. “I love this… Sharing my life with you.”

“Mh, we’ve come a long way from ‘Seong’ Junhee…” Yuchan laughed as he dodged the punch his comment earned him. “But seriously… Me too.” He took Junhee’s hands. “You can… come to Jeju some day?”

“Yeah, gotta try those magical tangerines…” This time, it was Junhee getting a gentle smack. “Sorry… Yeah. I’d love that.” He played with Yuchan’s fingers. “Maybe not ‘some day’… maybe ‘some day soon’?”

Yuchan looked up. “You’d want to meet my mom and dad?”

“Yeah.” Junhee pushed back his hair. “If you think I’m the kind of boy you can take home to your parents…”

They both grinned, and melted into making out on the steps like teenagers. Yuchan’s heart beat fast, all full of giddy relief having gotten on so well with Junhee’s boys, the idea of taking him to Jeju and introducing him to his family…

“Hey,” Junhee whispered against his ear. “I have an idea…” He glanced at his watch. “You don’t need to be home right away?”

“Er, I guess not. Work starts at ten – you’re the one going back to rehearsals at the crack of dawn.” He felt a little pang of deflation at the idea of losing Junhee to the ramping up of schedules as they prepared their next album.

“Well… Do you wanna come see where I work before I drop you home?” Junhee grinned at him, and Yuchan blinked.

“What, your company? Am I… allowed in?”

“You’re with me, and it’s late – no one will be around.”

Within ten minutes, Junhee was pulling up at the company building, flashing a grin at Yuchan before pulling up his hood and a slipping on his mask. Yuchan did the same, a little on edge as he followed Junhee inside.

The building was all shiny floors and glass, great potted plants in every corner. Yuchan’s eyes were saucers as they trailed through rehearsal rooms, offices, music studios, and the corridors lined with beautiful prints of the groups, and every award and trophy imaginable. He could practically sense the blood, sweat and tears that had gone into the creation of this company and all its success.

Finally, Junhee led Yuchan through a big dance studio filled with mirrors, and out onto a pretty terrace lit with solar lights and lined with foliage. The night breeze was warm, and stars twinkled faintly overhead.

“It’s a far cry from where we started.” Junhee leaned his arms on the low wall, looking out over the city. “We couldn’t all practice our routines at the same time else we’d bang into each other. It was super dark and gross. But after a couple of years we got successful, and in time the two junior groups were formed, and well… These days we’re lucky.”

“It’s a pretty incredible place.” Yuchan leaned back on the wall. “Does it feel a bit like a second home?”

Junhee pursed his lips, looking thoughtful. “Not a home, no.” He hesitated. “It’s always going to be work. Because as much as I love music and performing, I find it hard too. I mean… I think I’ve struggled the most in the group. With fame, and different pressures…” He looked away and Yuchan wondered with a pang what he meant by that. He smiled suddenly. “I guess you know almost everything about me now.”

“Almost?”

“Yeah.” A sly smile crept over Junhee’s face as he pulled his mask down to his chin, and then did the same to Yuchan’s. “You’ve met my boys, been here, you know about my family…” He stood close to Yuchan and tilted his face up to kiss him. Yuchan put a nervous hand on Junhee’s chest to stop him.

“Hey, is that a good idea? Here?”

“Noone’s around, it’s fine.”

Yuchan wasn’t about to put up any more of a fight. He gave in, wrapping his arms around Junhee’s waist and pulling him closer.

“Oh, so what’s left to know about you?” he asked, breaking away.

Junhee gave a mischievous smile. “I can think of one or two things left to teach you.”

“Oh?” Yuchan raised one eyebrow, blood already rushing down his body. “Can you now?”

He felt a little thrill of excitement as Junhee’s tongue filled his mouth, and he pulled back and nodded at the mirrored room they left through. “Does that studio lock?”

Junhee grinned wickedly. “It does.”

And with that, Yuchan picked him up, still kissing him as he carried him inside and slammed the door behind them.

~

**_Junhee_ **

It felt a lot like the first day back at school. Junhee had found it hard to get up early, stumbling around the dorm and finding brushing his teeth and shaving his face altogether too much of a struggle. He had thrown on Byungchul’s clothes because he couldn’t be bothered to find any sweatpants of his own, nodded off in the car, and blithered around the company until someone had put a coffee in his hands.

He sat now in the corner of their dance studio, his hair still on ends and one eye twitching. Kisang sat down next to him.

“You okay? You look dead.”

“Mh.” Junhee rubbed his face. “I’m old. It’s hard.”

Kisang snorted. “Fossil.”

“Fuck off, brat.” Junhee tried to push him, flailed, and instead flopped down in his lap.

They already had songs outlined for the next album – the industry’s pace these days was faster than ever. Some groups were putting out three or four comebacks in a year – along with tours, reality shows, special stages… It was keep up or get out. Their next comeback was a darker concept, and Junhee could already tell that the stages were going to be tougher, the dances harder…

He had to get back into the routine quickly. Already, he’d cut the crap he’d been eating on break. He felt a pang of frustration at himself – he shouldn’t have let himself eat it anyway. Not to mention the skipped gym sessions. It was just hard when he wanted to spend his precious free time with Yuchan. And when they were together, he didn’t have that voice in his head scorning him for the way he looked…

The door opened and interrupted their practice. Junhee sat up, alarmed at their manager’s expression.

“All of you. Mr Choi’s office. _Now_.”

The seven boys swapped bewildered glances, and then dutifully filed out of the studio and down the corridor to the CEO’s office. Junhee was the last to enter, and his heart skipped. Their manager sat down with Mr Choi, two of the company’s directors and the press manager.

“Is everything okay, sir?” Haesong looked concerned, but Choi silenced him with a hand.

“Sit. All of you.”

They drew up chairs and sat down. The room was quiet.

“Have any of you been online this morning?” None of the AJB boys spoke and Choi looked at Director Kim. She turned her laptop screen to face them, her mouth a thin line. “Tell me what this is.”

It was a set of grainy photos at best – taken at night, their subjects blurred. The company terrace? Two people, their hoods drawn up, getting very intimate against the wall-

_No._

Junhee had heard the term ‘the world turned upside down’, but he had no understanding of it until he found himself staring at those photos of Yuchan and him.

He was going to be sick.

How-?

The other AJB boys looked at the screen blankly, trying to make out what the photos were showing. Choi, and all the rest, had their eyes locked on Junhee. He shrank back into his chair.

He was fucked.

“Is that someone kissing out on the terrace..?” Chinsun attempted. “But who..?”

“This was posted online an hour ago by a fansite. She claims this photo was taken here, last night.” Choi leaned forward. His voice was measured. “I’m going to ask _once_. Junhee, is that you?”

Every single face turned to look at him. He couldn’t move. He couldn’t breathe. He _couldn’t_ look at the other boys.

Choi’s eyes bore into his.

“…Yes, sir.”

Choi let out a long, slow breath. “Junhee. Do you understand the consequences of this?”

“They’re calling you a _whore_ , you fucking idiot!” Kim snapped down her hand on the table as she got to her feet. “You know how ballistic the press goes over a dating scandal! They’ve just fired a photo out of you groping a girl in public view!”

Junhee had never, ever expected a member of staff to slap him. The sound snapped through the room.

“Director, _calm down_.” Choi took her arm. Junhee still held his cheek where it stung, and when he opened his eyes, he met Haesong’s. And holy hell, he wished he hadn’t. If looks could kill, he knew he’d be dead right now.

“How bad is it..?” His voice wobbled as he spoke, and he felt like he was ten years old, sat in the principal’s office waiting to find out if he was getting expelled.

Choi fixed a cold, direct look on him. “It’s bad enough.” He glowered, and then sighed. “But you have a _slither_ of fortune on your side, because if I couldn’t make out who it was in those photos, the fans online aren’t going to be able to either. We can’t clearly see you and whoever the girl is has her back to the camera.” He looked at Director Min. “We can say that you were all at home _–_ which you _should_ have been – and that it was two members of staff that will be disciplined accordingly. We’re going to claim defamation, issue a statement on legal action and blacklist the girl in question and any fansites who repost these photos.” He shook his head. “I cannot _believe_ this has happened, Junhee. I have absolutely no time to deal with you over this because we need to focus on cleaning this up, fast. Get out. All of you.”

Junhee stared, still ice cold. Leave? How could he even stand up?

The others were out the room by the time he found a way to get to his feet. He met their manager’s eyes, mouthed a wordless _I’m so sorry…_ and then shoved back his chair and left the room.

He had to find his voice. He had to, because he was about to get rounded on, he-

“What the _fuck_ , Junhee.”

They were stood staring at him as he walked into the studio. Their faces brought up fresh waves of nausea. His entire body trembled.

“I’m _so_ sorry.” Fear choked his throat. “I didn’t mean for this to happen, any of this…”

“Why are you such a goddamn airhead?” Junhee shut up fast, and Haesong stepped forward. “What the fuck is _wrong_ with you?! You get off with your boyfriend on the _company terrace_ , when _every sasaeng under the sun_ camps out around here?!”

“I didn’t think anyone would be able to see, I-”

“You better pray to _god_ that they cover this up, and that the fans believe it wasn’t you. Otherwise you’ve just dragged all of us down!” His eyes burned. “You might shred your own reputation at the drop of a hat but how dare you damage theirs!” He cast out a hand at the others. “You _deserve_ getting called a whore-”

“ _Woah_ , Hae, calm down-”

“It was just Chan…” Tears were cloying Junhee now. “I just wanted him to see this part of my life and I… I got carried away…”

“So he’s more important than this now, huh? Everything we’ve built? You’d really throw this away for a _boy_ , you fucking asshole!”

Haesong was taller and stronger than Junhee, and lit by anger. His punch flung Junhee to the floor hard.

Everyone shouted at once.

“ _Junhee_!”

They all ran and fell to their knees around him, but it was Haesong who pulled Junhee up to sitting, cupping his face. Junhee looked up through flashing stars. Their leader’s face was white.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to lash out-”

Blood trickled down Junhee’s upper lip and chin. He stared, his breath getting ragged, and then he pushed them all back, scrabbling to his feet and running from the room. People jumped out of the way as he fled down the corridor, a hand cupping his bleeding nose, and refusing – absolutely _refusing -_ to let them see him cry.

He banged the bathroom cubicle shut and burst into tears, sliding his back down the door. He cried in earnest, his entire face throbbing. He had to ring Yuchan, he had to tell him what was happening and be there for him, but he couldn’t get it together. What if they couldn’t cover this up? What if the fandom turned against him? What if Choi kicked him out, what then?

It was the worst thing to do, he knew it, but he opened his phone. A quick click through hashtags and he found it: a maelstrom of speculation. Adamant fans that scoffed at the photos, saying that they showed nothing and that it could be anyone. Idol news sites blasting the photos to thousands of followers – one sniff of blood and their eyes glittered with the hope of a fresh kill. And then he clicked on the source. The fansite who had shared them. He knew her – had sat and held her hands at fansigns so many times…

_Whore._

_Slut._

_Liar._

“I don’t belong to you…” he wept helplessly as he stared at her words.

He heard the bathroom door open and tried to stifle his tears. He didn’t want to speak to anyone, he didn’t want to see the looks on their faces, he just wanted to be alone…

“ _Hyung.._?” It was a small, fearful voice, and Junhee’s heart broke a little. “ _Hyung_ , I’m… I’m not mad at you. Will you let me in?”

Junhee hesitated, torn, and then pulled back the lock. Kisang let himself in, relocking the door and looking down at Junhee with eyes filled by worry. He sat on the floor, and Junhee crumbled, crying onto his shoulder, blood staining his t-shirt.

“I’m sick of it…” he cried, his head light and breathing shallow. Kisang held him tight, rubbing his back.

“Sick of what?”

“Everything.” Junhee couldn’t stop the words crashing out. “I fuck up everything, I’m sick of disappointing people, I’m sick of every tiny decision getting scrutinised, I’m sick of the exhaustion, I’m sick of being _fucking starving_ , I’m sick of my body hurting… I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be an idol anymore…”

“You don’t mean that.” Kisang’s voice was gentle. “Do you..?”

Junhee pulled back, gasping for breath. “I don’t know… No… I guess… But I want to be with Yuchan, Kiki… I want that too…”

“And you can be.” Kisang stroked his hair. “This isn’t about not dating him. I mean sure, now Choi knows you’re dating but… Us boys? We support you. You know that.” He took Junhee’s hand. “You just messed up a little. Yeah, you should have been careful. But… This problem is on that fansite, not you.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well… You kissed your boyfriend. That’s… really not a crime. She must have followed you here, or been waiting outside, and she took those photos and spread them with those horrible words… That’s the issue here, not you. So, I’m going to be fucking angry at her, not you. And I don’t expect you to be the one apologising.”

“Kiki…” Fresh tears welled in Junhee’s eyes.

“And the others know that too. They’re just scared.” Kisang squeezed his fingers. “But we come through things together. We’ve battled too hard to get torn down by some jealous bitch with daddy’s camera.” Junhee snorted despite himself. “Now come on, let’s clean you up. And then we’ll get some fresh air, some water and you can ring Yuchan and we’ll do what we gotta do.”

Junhee allowed Kisang to pull him to his feet, and waited numbly while their _maknae_ dabbed away the blood from his face. He wondered, not for the first time, over how on earth his best friend was only twenty-four. The two most important men in his life were so young, and yet somehow so brilliant.

He drifted back to the studio, floated through Haesong’s apologies and the others’ babbled offers of support, and trailed out onto the terrace. Kisang sat him down and ordered one of the others to go out to find some food. Junhee focussed hard on breathing.

Chinsun reappeared ten minutes later and tentatively handed Junhee a takeout bag, and ushered all but Kisang away to give him space. Junhee pulled out the food and ate mindlessly, unable to see anything other than those photos and those words that seemed to be burned into the back of his eyelids.

“It’s going to be okay.” Kisang rubbed his knee gently, bringing him back to the present. “If they kick you out, I’ll quit.”

“No, Kiki…” Junhee shook his head. “Don’t say that. If they kick me, I deserve it. You didn’t do anything wrong.” He swallowed, and then looked down at the half-finished burger and fries he was inhaling. “Oh Christ, _why_ am I eating this…”

_You’re disgusting._

_Keep this up and the fans won’t find you attractive anymore._

He shut his eyes, sick of the voices. Couldn’t they leave him alone, just for today..?

_Slut._

_Whore._

_Liar._

He pulled out his phone, desperate to distract himself. He had someone else to worry about now.

“Hey, gorgeous boy. Aren’t you at work?”

For a moment, Junhee just wanted to savour it - Yuchan’s happy voice. But he had to tell him.

“Yuchannie…” he started, but his voice grew thick and he stopped.

“Junhee? Something’s wrong, what is it?”

So quick, and in any other circumstances Junhee would have relished the way Yuchan could read his tone so naturally. “Someone… Someone took a photo of us last night.”

“What..?”

“On the terrace here. A fansite, she-” He stopped again, tears squeezing on his throat until he couldn’t breathe. “It’s grainy and you can’t really see it’s me, but she got us when we kissed and… And she leaked it online, and my CEO knows, and they’re just… They’re trying to cover it up.”

There was a pressing silence on the line.

“Chan?” he tried, tears pitching his voice a couple octaves higher.

“Listen. It’s going to be okay, Junhee… It’s going to be okay.” There was a tremor in his voice. “What have they said to you?”

“I’m… They don’t have time to deal with me because they’re bringing in our legal team, and issuing statements but… Yuchan, please can you come home from work and come to the dorm? I’m scared and I want to go home.”

“Yeah. Yeah, of course, I’ll… I’ll say there’s an emergency, I can cycle over in half an hour.”

Kisang listened quietly to their conversation, and when Junhee hung up, he stood up and touched his shoulder.

“I’ll drive you home. Get your stuff.”

~

**_Yuchan_ **

Yuchan flinched as a car blared its horn, but he didn’t let up. He wove through the traffic lightning fast, his mask pulled up against the yellow dust choking the air. As he got to the gates, he skidded to a halt and slammed in the code, and once inside, ditched his bike without bothering to lock it up. He rang the doorbell twice.

He stepped inside, said nothing, and took Junhee in the biggest hug he could manage.

Seeing Junhee cry for the first time broke his heart.

He had heard him get close to tears on the phone after an exhausting day at work, but besides that, in their time together he had never seen him get upset. Yuchan cried over bad days and cute movies and when he did, it was loud and hiccupy and unabashed. Junhee just sobbed silently, his eyes squeezed shut and his shoulders shaking like he wanted to retain his sadness in a private bubble close to his skin.

For a moment, Yuchan felt frozen, anxiety thudding through his chest. He always leaned on Junhee so hard; when he was upset, Junhee comforted him. When he had wobbled about being with a boy for the first time, Junhee had been all calm reassurance. He delicately manoeuvred through Yuchan’s emotions and had even offered his financial support. He was always full of gentle strength, always unwaveringly supportive, but Yuchan… He’d never had to do this. Sure, Junhee had mentioned struggling with idol life but he’d never shown anything but an ability to cope with everything thrown his way.

“I’m here for you, angel…” He stroked Junhee’s hair, but he was already pulling back.

“No, no…” he said, shaking his head with one hand over his tear-stricken face. “You don’t need to be. I’m here to support _you._ You shouldn’t be in a situation where someone is taking photos of you, I should never have put you in this situation…”

“Junhee.” Yuchan took both of his hands. “You’re not the one who did this… This isn’t your fault. The problem is that girl who took the photos, not you…”

“Why does everyone keep saying that…”

“Because it’s true.” Yuchan led him to one of the sofas and let him sink down, sitting in front of him. “And if people are blaming you then there’s something _seriously_ fucked up with this industry…” He stroked Junhee’s knee, reaching up the other hand to dab at the tears clutching to his chin. “I… I looked online and I saw the photos and you can’t tell it’s either one of us. It could be anyone in that photo.”

“You looked?” Junhee’s lip wobbled. “Did you… did you see what she said about me?” Yuchan hesitated and nodded. Junhee’s eyes glassed over with fresh tears. “I… I didn’t want you to have to see that.”

“You don’t have to protect me.” Yuchan cupped Junhee’s face firmly. “And if that evil little bitch calls my angel a whore one more time I swear to _god_ I will find _her_ address and I will make that motherfucker regret the day she ever so much as _glanced_ at you.”

Junhee blinked, shock freezing his tears.

“You have my back,” Yuchan continued, shrugging simply. “I’ve got yours too.” He took out his phone and held out a hand. “Can I have your phone?” Junhee handed it over wordlessly, and Yuchan went and put them both on the bookshelf, screen down. “You’re going to make yourself sick if you go looking online. Let’s just… take it easy. I’m not going anywhere, I’m not leaving you.”

Junhee stood up and very quickly wrapped himself around Yuchan. “I love you.”

Despite his fighting talk, it was a long and strange day. Yuchan tried his very best to distract Junhee and care for him however he needed, but he couldn’t fight off the sense of trepidation in his chest. The more he thought about the situation, the crazier it seemed. It dawned on him that he truly knew nothing of this insane world that Junhee lived in, and that this was just one example of the magnifying glass he lived under every day, with his every move scrutinised.

In the evening, the rest of the AJB boys returned home, looking various stages of weary. Yuchan realised with a pang that this had implications not just for Junhee, but for them too. One perceived slip and the whole group’s reputation was at stake.

All Yuchan could do was be there. He just stuck with Junhee, held him from behind as they watched an old drama in bed, until he fell into a restless sleep in his arms. Kisang came in late and shot Yuchan a look of sympathy.

“Yuchan?” he whispered, playing with his pink hair. “Are you okay? Um… I guess this is a wild day for you too.”

“I’m fine.” He chewed a nail. “What do you think they’re gonna do..?”

“The company?” Kisang looked away. “I dunno. The statement went out fast and the fans aren’t buying the sasaeng’s claims – it really does look like a photo that could be anyone. Like, you can’t even see what gender either of you are.” Yuchan’s heart skipped. He hadn’t even thought how all this would be worse if it had outed Junhee in the process… “A bunch of other idols have reached out who have been through something similar. But Choi and the directors know it was him. That’s the thing. He broke his contract…” Kisang sighed, pushing his glasses up his nose. “I don’t know, they could argue that the reason that clause is there is to stop things like this happening.”

“Why would that girl do this..?” It had been on Yuchan’s mind all day, something he simply couldn’t comprehend.

“Because to someone like her, this is like… being cheated on.” Kisang paused. “So she’s one of the girls that follows us _everywhere_. Every concert, every fansign, every schedule. She believes – genuinely believes – that she knows us, probably better than any other fans, and that she is both instrumental to our success and someone who knows us personally. Her _life_ is following Junhee around, documenting his life as an idol… He’s _hers_. He’s her belonging. And she saw him kissing someone else and it’s shattered her illusion.”

Yuchan was hit with a strange stab of guilt just for having Junhee in his arms, and then absolutely detested himself for it.

“I mean… I can get being upset but… To do this? If she likes him so much…”

“It’s more than that. She thinks he _owes_ her to be devoted to the fandom. And now she thinks he doesn’t deserve his status or success because he’s betrayed her. And I dunno, some of these girls genuinely think they’ll end up with their idols. So she sees this as an insult on her, and well… These people are crazy. It’s not enough just to walk away from being a fan – they have the means to drag someone down and they’ll do it.”

“That’s insane…”

“Isn’t it?” Kisang rubbed his face. “Try and get some rest. We’ll see what happens in the morning.”

~

**_Junhee_ **

Junhee got precisely two minutes into arriving at work before he was summoned into Choi’s office, alone. The other boys’ eyes snapped up and watched him as he left.

He was both relieved and afraid to find Choi alone. He gave a deeper-than-normal bow and closed the door behind himself quietly.

His sleep had been uneasy last night. At the best of times, he was prone to vivid dreams that snapped him awake throughout the night, although normally sleeping curled up with Yuchan helped him rest a little easier. Last night, however, even Yuchan’s arms around him couldn’t banish the bad dreams. He had woken to that horrible trickle of returning memories, and an urge to never, ever get out of bed to face the day.

But Junhee wasn’t one to run away from anything. Resolve had set over him as they had headed over to the company: whatever happened, happened. He couldn’t take back that night, and he wouldn’t apologise for wanting to be happy. If Choi kicked him out then… so be it.

Despite his resolve, his stomach lurched at the thought.

“Mr Park, take a seat.”

Choi looked like he hadn’t slept much either. His normally well-groomed hair was a little unkempt; the wrinkles in his white shirt a sign of a rushed morning.

“Sir, may I speak before you start?” Choi looked surprised, and Junhee clasped his hands in his lap. He was waved on. “I don’t want this to sound as though I’m trying to sway your judgement of me – I’m not at all. But I want to sincerely apologise to you – and the rest of the directors, and the staff – for the trouble this has caused you. I’m truly sorry.” He bowed his head. He meant it – the sasaeng he could kill, but despite everything… Choi and the team were the ones who had taken a chance on a sloppy, lost kid with a glimmer of underdeveloped talent and were the driving force behind his success. And Choi – well, he’d done a damn sight more for him than his own father ever had.

Choi sighed. “I know you are, Junhee.” Junhee kept his eyes down, playing with the skin around his nails. “What you have done is twofold. Firstly: you were monumentally _stupid_. It was not only careless, but downright thoughtless. Your entire group works too hard for someone to jeopardise it by being… _ack_ , I honestly can’t express it. You were a fucking _fool_.” The word made Junhee flinch. “At the company building? Really? The one address _every_ fan knows where to find you.

“Not only that, not only were you so keen to risk your own reputation, and that of the other boys, but you are a senior here, and one of the _eldest_ of our senior group. What kind of example does this set to your juniors? They look up to you, Junhee, and you’re supposed to guide them by walking the right path.”

God, he hadn’t even thought of that…

“That’s number one. Number _two_ -” He’d prepared for an onslaught, but this was still stinging. “Is that you broke your contract. We told you not to date so that things like this don’t happen. And I _know_ what some people say, but you are marketed as a boyfriend to your fandom and that’s part of the deal. That deal is the reason you’re sat here with your latest iPhone and your expensive car keys in your pocket and your Gucci t-shirt.”

Well… That one hit like a slap. His insides twisted with uncertainty. It was the opposite of what Yuchan and Kisang had told him – they told him that all that was unreasonable to expect, but here Choi was making a sound argument for the opposite…

“That’s serious, Junhee. You know how many kids would _kill_ to be in your shoes? How many trainees fail to even make it to their debut stage? They would trade everything in a heartbeat to get their name on that contract, and they’d be disciplined and respectful of it. But you broke a rule that was set out to give you the privilege of this career.”

For the first time, Junhee glanced up. Choi looked so utterly disappointed in him, and it hurt like Director Kim’s slap to his face. He was going to ask him to leave… It finally hit Junhee, and it felt for all the world like a glass floor had shattered from under his feet and he was falling…

“But I have a feeling you know all this, Junhee.” Choi sighed, long and weary. He leaned his elbows on the desk and rubbed his face. Junhee watched him, staying mute. “And… I’m also not a monster.” He took a sip from his coffee. “I get it. You’re twenty-seven. You’ve been signed with us for seven years, in contracts your entire adult life… Well, let’s say I know how many women I’d dated by the time I was twenty-seven.” He paused. “I don’t need to know who the girl in the picture is. I don’t need to know if she’s one of ours, someone else’s… Just break things off. Immediately.” Choi fixed his gaze on Junhee’s. “You have a very big comeback coming up, Junhee. I need your head in the game.”

It took a long moment of silence to sink in.

“Sir, you’re… not asking me to leave?”

Choi sighed once again. “No, Junhee, I’m not. And believe me, it was not an easy fight I had on my hands last night.” He got to his feet and paced to the window. “Director Kim is _not_ of the same opinion, and she’s not happy. If I were you, I’d avoid her until… well, probably until you’re back from military service in a few years.” Choi looked back at him, and the furrows in his forehead relaxed just slightly. “This was a mistake, and a big one. But I’ve watched you work extremely hard over the last seven years. And I’ve seen you grow, from a kid, into someone… well, a young man who can handle everything from meeting members of government to meeting hysterical fans. You AJB boys… You were my gamble, and I took you on when I had nothing, too. So I suppose in a way, you’re a little bit like sons to me. And I think you deserve a second chance.”

Junhee swallowed hard. “Thank you, sir.”

“A _second_ chance, though, Junhee.” Choi folded his arms. “You’re lucky that the statement has been largely accepted by the fans and our legal team are so excellent, and that they’re quashing this exceptionally online. There will be no third chance for you. Do not let me down.”

“I promise.” Junhee stood and bowed deeply, his hands shaking.

“Well, go on. Back to practice. Oh, and Junhee? The girl, gone. That’s non-negotiable.”

Junhee nodded, bowed again, and left the room. He let out a trembling breath and felt like he’d been holding it this whole time. Head spinning, he made his way back to the practice room.

~

**_Yuchan_ **

Yuchan hit the speakers’ skip button with a knuckle, his fingers messy from cooking. As was normal these days, he was playing a playlist of popular idol groups, keen to get to know more of them to understand Junhee’s world a little better. Only, inevitably, AJB’s songs would come on from time to time – and now, he couldn’t quite bear to listen. Not while he was waiting.

He had made the mistake of scrolling through Twitter on his lunchbreak. It was precisely what he had told Junhee not to do – but he was drawn, desperate to know what people were saying. Entire hashtags trended, and a flood of support for Junhee filled them. But he had also traced back to the girl behind the photos, and her circle of friends – and those who had been tugged into her malicious web. Yuchan’s hands had trembled. He had never imagined people could be so cruel online. And worst of all was the nonchalance with which they fired out their derision, their scorn. They didn’t know that he was sat here, reading it all. They thought they commented their opinions out into the ethers, but every word struck at his heart.

He went back to carefully slicing the salmon, keen to distract himself again. Kyungmi had stared in the fridge for minutes, mouth agape, when Junhee and Yuchan had first bought groceries. Their stock of ingredients was normally instant noodles and some eggs, not beautifully cut fresh fish, exotic spices, and diced meat cuts. Yuchan still felt a prickle of unease accepting Junhee’s help, but it seemed to make Junhee happy to see him happy. So, in return, the least he could do was cook him some delicious food.

He’d just gotten everything ready and begun cleaning up when the doorbell rang. His heart was suddenly in his mouth.

“Hey…” He let Junhee in, and in the space of a couple of seconds tried to gauge his day from his face.

“They’re letting me stay.”

“Oh, thank _fuck…_ ” Yuchan felt relief physically break across him like a wave, and he hugged Junhee tight. “What did Choi say?”

“He lectured me. Reminded me of what I owe to be in the position I’m in.” Junhee pulled away, shrugging off his jacket, peeling away his mask and running tired hands through his hair. “But he said he thought I deserve a second chance.” He looked exhausted, and Yuchan held back all the questions that jumped to his tongue.

“Do you wanna talk about it? Or do you want to eat and have a glass of wine and let me look after you?”

Junhee looked up with a small smile, shadows around his eyes. “Is it okay to pick the second? I’ll recount it all later, I’m just…”

“Of course.” Yuchan nodded. He knew better than to push Junhee; he would come to him when he needed to.

“Did you cook..?” Junhee trailed to the kitchen, pulling his hands inside his jumper sleeves. “This looks so good…”

“Well, I thought you might need something nice to eat.” Yuchan fetched a glass and un-stoppered a wine bottle, pouring it and handing it to Junhee. “It won’t be long ‘til it’s ready.”

He finished tidying away the chopping boards, and spared a glance at Junhee. Leaned against the counter, his hair was messy, his glasses perched on his nose as he looked down into his wine glass, drowned in a big jumper and his face lined with the faintest stubble. As if sensing he was being watched, he looked up and smiled.

“Are you thinking I look like a mess?” he asked, looking pleased to have caught Yuchan in the act.

“No… I’m thinking how even when you think you’re a mess you look so goddamn beautiful.”

Junhee put down the glass and held out a hand, and Yuchan took it, standing in front of him and kissing first his forehead, then his nose, then the little freckle on the side of his cheek. Junhee’s eyes were puffy and tired, but Yuchan’s insides still restricted at how pretty they were. He cupped his cheek and kissed his lips oh-so-softly.

Yuchan had a secret he had never told anyone. A barista he might be, but he had never really taken to coffee. It was too bitter, too strong, and so he drank it only when filled with chocolate and syrup and cream. But the coffee that always lingered subtly on Junhee’s tongue was the sweetest goddamn flavour he had ever tasted, and just like caffeine it had the power to instantly make his heart race and his hands shake.

Unable to break away, Yuchan slipped his hands down Junhee’s hips and lifted him easily onto the counter. The way his legs slid around his waist instantly, the way he crept fingers over Yuchan’s jaw as he leant down to keep kissing him, it made Yuchan _weightless_. Junhee was a drug he just couldn’t stop taking, a chemical slipping through his bloodstream and it was an addiction he never wanted to kick. Every tiny movement was another dose that got him high: a slip of a single finger into the top of Yuchan’s jeans; one foot sliding up his thigh from its place hooked around him; gentle nails tracing his collarbone before tugging the material of his t-shirt lower down his chest.

Yuchan slipped hands under him and lifted him again, every intention of getting them to his room, but Junhee’s fingers ran through his hair and he sank onto the sofa, knowing he wouldn’t make it that far.

“Let me do everything.” It came as a whisper in his ear.

“Why?”

Junhee kissed his throat, and it made that drug-high close in. “Because you deserve everything.”

It crossed Yuchan’s mind that Junhee must be feeling all kinds of ways after the past couple of days: and whether this stemmed from relief, desire to escape the day, or guilt from what had happened… He wasn’t sure, but they could talk about that later. Now, they could forget everything and make each other feel good. Now, he didn’t want to take his eyes off him.

Watching him undress was the single most gorgeous thing Yuchan had ever seen, and every time it made blood rush down his body so fast he could swear lights flashed over his vision. All at once, it made him desperate, and the pauses and glances Junhee gave him were frozen moments he would see in his daydreams for days to come.

When he slid back into Yuchan’s lap he earned his first moan. And Yuchan relented, let him touch, opened up to him, until the softness of Junhee’s fingers and the warmth of his mouth had sent him into a place where he could barely breathe.

When Junhee finally straddled him and that torrent of hot pleasure swept through him, Yuchan looked up to find Junhee’s eyes lock with his own – those deep brown irises filled with the same addiction. They slowed their movements, and stilled, and Yuchan reached up and cupped his cheek, desperate to drink in the way that boy was looking at him right now.

“ _Fuck_ , I love you.” He couldn’t speak in more than a croak, and Junhee tilted his forehead to lean against Yuchan’s.

“I love you too.”

They both wrapped arms around each other, pulling in tight, and all their usual roughness was traded this time for softness, their bodies blurring into harmony, and Yuchan realised that for a long time, he would remember the way this felt, right now.

~

**_Junhee_ **

A spatter of rain touched down on the windscreen. Junhee had his forehead leaned against the window, the iced coffee in his hands long forgotten. He was far too lost in his thoughts to even see the cars streaming around them. His manager, driving them to Junhee’s personal schedule, had known him long enough to know that when he was quiet like this, it was best to just turn on the radio and leave him be.

It had been a mentally exhausting few days. A week had passed since the photos had been leaked and already the furore online was starting to abate. The company had hammered home a very clear threat: share the photos and get blacklisted from all company events, and risk getting slapped with a defamation case. Even the fansite behind the pictures had gone quiet, and Junhee knew that behind the scenes, their legal team were about to slam down on her like a freight train.

For him, it had been back into practice. Back to working with their producer to fine-tune their next album of songs, working with their vocal coach to perfect the new harmonies, working with their choreographer to string together new routines. In that sense, everything was back to normal.

But inside, Junhee felt a permanent tightness in his chest. There was a lot to process and two conflicting opinions. On one hand, Kisang’s words: Junhee had done nothing wrong, that there was a flaw in the industry, that he wasn’t to blame. But on the other, Choi, telling him how stupid and selfish he had been, how the contract was in place as part of a very good deal he had accepted.

He shifted, watching raindrops trickle down the glass. He couldn’t deny what Choi had said. It was true – he had designer clothes, a roof over his head, an expensive car, all part of the deal of working as an idol. He had fans adore him and opportunities most people could never dream of – to travel, to meet authority figures… Shouldn’t he be grateful for that? Do whatever it took, make whatever sacrifices he needed to?

But there was no way on earth he could sacrifice Yuchan. After it had all happened, Yuchan had been there, racing around and staying with him and letting him fall asleep in his arms. After getting through Choi’s decision, going back to his apartment had felt more like going home than the dorm had ever done. Going back to someone who had made him dinner, someone who thought he was still beautiful with his dark circles and unshaved face… He was _perfect_ , and a seed of hope had planted in Junhee’s chest as they’d slept together on the sofa – that perhaps Yuchan would be his forever.

Choi had told him to break up with him immediately. Well, break up with _her_ , but he didn’t need to know Junhee’s sexuality on top of everything. Choi had been forgiving, offered him a second chance – god, he had even referred to Junhee as like a son. And now… now Junhee was going to lie. There was no way he was leaving Yuchan, so he was going to hide this secret away again, and the stakes were higher than ever. If Choi found out, there was no question, Junhee would be out the door with nowhere to go. He hated it, hated that he was back in a situation where he was lying. Yet again, he was betraying someone – this time someone who had grown his career and constructed his success.

Junhee felt a wrench of desperate anxiety. He just couldn’t please everyone…

He was going to have to work extra hard. That was all he could do. He couldn’t keep his word to Choi about ending his relationship, so instead he would graft for this comeback like never before, to make it up to him for being given a second chance. He would practice harder, stay later, push past his limits. His insides constricted with anxiety again. He’d start dieting straight away. He’d give more of himself than ever.

And he needed to work harder to protect Yuchan. That boy didn’t deserve for his relationship to be impacted by Junhee being an idol. He needed to keep him away from all the drama that came with his career. He bit his lip. God, he was going to be working so hard and be so busy in the coming weeks… But he would make time for Yuchan. He’d give more of himself, think of ways to make it up to him when schedules kept them apart.

He only now realised his hands were shaking.

Pressure closed in around his heart like a vice grip. He owed so much to so many people, and it suddenly felt entirely overwhelming.

He sat up, slipping his unfinished coffee into the cup holder. No point feeling sorry for himself. He would just have to do it. Just have to work hard and make it happen.

“You okay?” His manager glanced at him sidelong. “You look stressed today.”

“Yeah. I’m fine.” Junhee flashed a smile. “Just thinking about the comeback.”

“Well, I’m sure you’ll do great. You always do. You-”

It happened instantly.

A black car moved across into their lane in front of them. Suddenly, it slammed on the brakes.

Their manager yelled out and stepped on the brake, but there was no time at all.

Junhee’s forehead connected with something hard. Everything went black.

~

**_Yuchan_ **

Yuchan sat in the back room of the café, perched in the windowsill while he drank his juice. The coffee shop had been busy and the sun felt nice on his neck while he took his break. Absently, he scrolled through the photos on his phone, lingering over the selcas Junhee always sent him before bed.

The photos disappeared as a call popped up. He frowned at the unknown number and declined it. But before he could go back to his scrolling, it rang again.

“Hello..?” He waited, expecting an automated response or a sales call.

“Yuchan?” The voice on the other end of the line was breathless. “It’s Kisang.”

“Hey, Kisang.” Yuchan cocked his head. Where had he got his number..? “Everything alright..?”

“Yuchan, I’m really sorry, I-I don’t know how to… It’s Junhee.” Every single cell in Yuchan’s body turned to ice. “He’s been in an accident, him and our manager were driving across town…”

Yuchan put out a hand to the windowsill as the world twisted around him.

“They… They got cut up by a young woman. They think it was… It was _her_.” He didn’t need to say it: the sasaeng. “Can you come to the hospital?”

Yuchan said something, some words, but he was functioning on autopilot. He hung up, panic blitzing through his chest and tears clogging his throat as he gasped for breath.

He didn’t even collect his things. He pushed through the door, left the café, and broke into a run.

_｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ End of Part II ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Junhee, no..!
> 
> I worked really hard on this installment (read: I watched a bunch of videos from ex-sasaengs for research, got very angry, stomped around, repeat). I really hope you enjoyed it! I'm really loving writing this one, and especially writing Yuchan's POV, and I was so happy to read your kind comments on the first chapter. Your cheering words make me do actual dances of joy around my house - thank you so, so much for reading.
> 
> With love,  
> The Indigo Dragonfly
> 
> ~
> 
> Part III: coming soon
> 
> [Come say hi on Twitter!](https://twitter.com/IndiDragonfly)


	3. Part III

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yuchan and Junhee have fallen giddily in love - and their happiness has made them reckless. Caught on camera by an angry fansite, Junhee came close to losing his position in AJB. The pressure keeps piling up - the looming comeback, his relationship... 
> 
> But all of that is flung aside as Yuchan received a call to get to the hospital, and fast...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A reminder that some mature/heavier themes lie ahead (all listed in the story tags!)

**_Yuchan_ **

Sweat ran down Yuchan’s forehead as he burst through the doors of the emergency room. His sneakers slid on the flooring and he skittered to the front desk, snatching his breath as he collapsed at the reception.

“Junhee… Bought here.” His voice failed to function, and the man behind the desk leaned forward, his eyes sympathetic. “Junhee? Park Junhee? I need to see him, I-”

“Please calm down, sir. Let me check.”

Calm down? _Calm down_? Yuchan’s heart was about to explode and a scream nestled in the back of his throat. He had cycled over here so fast his legs burned – no helmet, apron still tied around his waist. All the way he just couldn’t stop replaying Kisang’s phone call: _He’s been in an accident._

Yuchan had known he was in love – but until now, perhaps he hadn’t known how much. Because as he had flown through traffic, all he could wish was that it had been him instead.

He was still waiting when a hand touched his arm. He spun around and found himself looking up into two familiar faces.

“Where is he? Is he okay? What’s happening?”

Haesong took his shoulders as suddenly, tears and panic rose up in one swift flood and started to leak out. Kisang too put a hand to Yuchan’s arm, and they both shushed him.

“He’s okay. Hey, he’s okay…” Haesong’s face fell as Yuchan burst into tears.

“I need to see him…” he gasped through the bubble in his throat, but Haesong’s firm hands didn’t leave his.

“Our staff are with him, Yuchan… I’m sorry, I know this is the shittiest thing, but… We’d have to explain to them who you are.” Yuchan stared up at him, both shock and realisation widening his eyes. Agency staff were there with Junhee… so his boyfriend couldn’t be.

“Chan, come here.” Kisang stepped forward, and Yuchan crumbled into the hug he offered. He was a few inches smaller than Yuchan so he buried his face in his cotton candy hair, clinging onto him in an effort to hold himself up.

Somewhere along the way, they sat him down. Yuchan tried desperately to gasp away his tears, and Haesong crouched in front of him.

“It’s not serious, Yuchan. He got knocked out and he’s having some stitches. Other than that it’s just concussion and some whiplash. He’ll be fine.”

“Stitches..?” Yuchan’s face fell and Kisang rubbed his arm.

“Just a couple above his eyebrow. But you know Junhee! He’s so handsome it’ll probably look like a fashion statement. All the rookies will want some before you know it.” He smiled hopefully, and despite everything, Yuchan felt a twinge of affection towards the little idol.

“I just…” He stopped, took a deep and shaky breath, and let it out slowly. “Was it her? The fansite who took the photos?” Kisang nodded, and Yuchan felt sick. “I want to kill her, I’m going to fucking-”

“Get in line.” Haesong glared at the floor, a dark snarl on his face. “The photos? That was one thing. But this… She tried to hurt him. She caused a fucking _car accident_. She’s a psychopath.” He dug his nails so hard into the palm of his hand that they left white half-moons. “A dating scandal is one thing. But she’s tried to hurt one of my boys. We’ll have her thrown in prison.”

“Will they do that?” Yuchan looked between them, only now realising how afraid he was of this girl. He didn’t know what she would stop at, and the idea of her walking away from this incident and being free to come near Junhee again…

“No doubt.” Kisang pressed his hands together. “Criminal defamation alone can result to up to seven years in prison – and even if the court finds the defendant spread _true_ rumours with the malicious intent to commit defamation, it can still be three years behind bars. And it’s not just on Junhee, her entire Twitter account is libellous of our agency. Then there’s harassment, stalking and now this. Even if she pleads that she had no premeditation, the fact is that she deliberately created a life-threatening accident means she could be prosecuted for attempted grievous bodily harm at best, or attempted culpable homicide at worst.” He rubbed his nose, looking up at Yuchan and Haesong’s surprised expressions. “What? I’m not just a pretty face.”

“Remind me to call _you_ if I ever need bailing out…” Haesong muttered. He sighed, looking up at Yuchan. “The agency will deal with this. I promise you.”

“You just… promise he’s okay? A-and your manager?”

“He’s fine. And Manager Lee is alright. They think he broke his arm so he’s in for some x-rays. But he’s a tough one. He-” He glanced over Yuchan’s shoulder and stood up quickly. “Wait a sec.”

Both Haesong and Kisang moved away quickly, and ducked a bow to a man and woman who appeared through a set of doors. They exchanged a few brief words, and then the middle-aged pair headed for the exit.

Haesong nodded Yuchan over.

“That was our agency lot. You can come in now.”

Yuchan’s heart skipped and he jumped forward after them. A long corridor twisted and turned until they came upon another waiting room. A gaggle of familiar boys sat around, their faces unhappy. They looked worried as they saw Yuchan, and clearly painted on quick smiles for his benefit. But Yuchan had barely any time to greet the rest of AJB in return.

“Excuse me?” He approached the desk. “Can I-”

“Go through. It’s room 12.”

Yuchan hurried for the double doors and broke into a run, and footsteps followed him. He scanned frantically for the room number, and then hesitated with fingers on the door handle. He pushed it open, heart skipping.

A nurse glanced up as he entered, and Kisang and Haesong followed in behind him. The nurse nodded briefly and sighed, hanging his clipboard on the end of the bed.

“You’re a popular man, Mr Park. I’ve never seen so many visitors in the space of an hour.” He withdrew and closed the door behind him.

Yuchan felt tears rise up again, though he tried desperately to quash them down. He walked uncertainly towards the bed.

“Junhee?” he whispered.

Junhee’s eyes fluttered open but remained heavy-lidded. He looked at Yuchan tiredly and it made his stomach clench. A little ladder of stitches ran across his forehead, the skin around it bruised to a dark stain, and his chin was grazed. Still, his lips curled up faintly as he saw Yuchan.

“My… Yuchannie came.”

“Of course I did, you dummy.” Yuchan perched on the bed; he was frustrated at the teardrops that fell from his face as he blinked. He took Junhee’s hand tightly, still unable to look away from the stitches. “Are you okay? Are you hurting?”

Junhee shook his head, winced – and then his expression melted back into sleepy contentment. “M’fine.” He sighed. “I’m… good. I feel great.”

“Oh,” Haesong chipped in from behind. “They gave him a load of morphine for the pain.”

“S’great.” Junhee blinked heavily. “I’d like this all’time.”

Kisang stood next to Yuchan, carefully brushing back Junhee’s hair. “You cause us enough trouble without becoming an opiate addict, Park.”

Yuchan hated seeing him hurt. They sat with him for a while, and he refused to let go of his fingers. The medicine might be keeping Junhee docile but shock and anger kept taking it in turns for prominence in Yuchan’s heart. He had only just come to terms with the idea of someone attempting to burn down someone else’s career, but the concept of wanting to hurt an idol for any reason… unfathomable.

The nurse returned half an hour later. He looked sympathetic.

“Sorry boys, but visiting hours are over and Junhee needs rest. He’ll be discharged tomorrow anyway so go head home and someone can collect him tomorrow.”

Yuchan stood up and hesitated, extremely reluctant to leave. Junhee’s eyes fluttered back to his and worry passed through them.

“Please don’t leave me…”

There was a physical twinge in Yuchan’s chest. “Sweetie, I’ve gotta go. But you’ll be okay, you just need some sleep.”

Junhee whimpered faintly. “But I’m… I’m scared of the hospital…”

“Scared of the..?” Yuchan looked at him, flooded with sympathy and love. “Hey. You’ve got nothing to be scared of. The doctors will take care of you and all you gotta do is sleep and it’ll be time to leave before you know it.” He hesitated, mindful of Kisang and Haesong, and then kissed Junhee’s cheek anyway. “You’ve got your phone? You can message me for company. All night long if you need to.” He smiled, stroking his hair. “But I think the doctors will make sure you have some more medicine and send you straight off to dreamland. Okay?” Junhee nodded foggily. “Good boy. I love you, ‘kay? I’ll see you tomorrow.”

He was pretty sure Junhee was already asleep as he left, trailing after Kisang and Haesong back out of the hospital. He realised as they stepped out into the September evening that he was still dressed in his work clothes – just a white t-shirt and jeans, and his apron still clung around his waist. He sighed, untying it.

“Are you going to head home? Do you have your housemate there?”

Yuchan looked up at Haesong, his heart sinking. “No, actually… she goes away with work a lot and she’s not home until tomorrow. It’ll be okay…” He tried to flash a smile, but the two idols exchanged a glance.

“You can come back with us if you want? Stay in the dorm? I think we’ll order some food and probably have a drink. It’s… been a hell of a day. If you wanted some company?”

Yuchan felt a rush of gratitude. “Yeah… That sounds good.”

He was extraordinarily grateful of the AJB boys that evening. He knew that if he had gone home to his apartment, he would have spent the night alone with his own anxiety with no outlet for it. It was a relief to be around the six other boys – who lifted each other’s spirits and made sure he was fed. In any other circumstances Yuchan would have felt a flurry of excitement from fitting in so well with Junhee’s friends, but he kept one worried eye on his phone, anxious not to miss a message.

It didn’t come until he was pulling up the covers in Junhee’s bed. His phone vibrated and he read the message under the duvet.

_Junhee: I love you_

Yuchan smiled, his throat constricting.

_Yuchan: I love you too, my beautiful angel. Hey, look who’s here…_

He took Junhee’s Bulbasaur plushie and held it close to his face, taking a photo. He sent it and waited for a response.

_Junhee: Is that my Bulba? Are you in my bed?_

_Yuchan: Yeah, I’m staying with your boys. I’ll look after your plushies real good_

_Junhee: I want to be there_

_Junhee: You look so cute_

_Junhee: I wish I had Bulbasaur here_

_Junhee: I hate the hospital_

_Yuchan: do you want me to call you? We can stay on the line as you go to sleep_

The phone vibrated and he swiped a thumb to answer it. He heard Junhee’s groggy voice and smiled.

“Go to sleep, you.” He kept his voice a whisper, aware of Kisang sleeping in the bunk above. “I’ll stay right here until you’re asleep.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

It didn’t take long for Junhee to slip back into sleep, but Yuchan didn’t hang up the phone. He wrapped his arms around the plushie, and drifted in and out of sleep, keeping their phones connected until the sun came up the next morning.

~

Yuchan let out a huge sigh, and with it, more tension than he could ever remember holding in his shoulders. There was a faint buzz in his head from the cocktail he had drank two thirds of, and around him, chatter, fairy lights and music created a cocoon that shielded him from the outside world. For a moment he let it draw him in and he let everything else go.

“That was a big sigh.”

He smiled – and this time it wasn’t forced. Kyungmi sat on the bar stool opposite, her own drink nearly finished. She had returned from her work trip that afternoon and insisted they dress up and go out for the evening. Junhee had been discharged from the hospital, and Yuchan had raced round to check on him after a morning shift in work. But eventually he had had to leave him to rest. And he had to admit he was grateful to his housemate for forcing him out the house – finally, the pent-up panic over yesterday’s accident was leaving his heart.

“Yeah.” He sipped his drink. “It’s just… nice to be away from everything. The last couple of weeks have been pretty wild, and yesterday was… a nightmare. It’s nice to just be able to forget it for a bit.” He smiled sheepishly. “Is that bad?”

“It’s not bad at all.” Kyungmi put her hand on his. “You’re allowed to want some space to get away from the stress. Plus,” she said, tossing her long hair back from her shoulders. “ _I_ want some time with my baby Channie since we never damn well run into each other recently.”

He made a noise of agreement and raised his glass to tap Kyungmi’s.

“So… How’s things with your boy, besides the shitty sasaeng stuff?” Kyungmi swirled her straw casually, but Yuchan didn’t miss the little glint in her eyes.

“Good…” he replied, equally as casually, and it earned him a smack on the arm.

“Come on! You always tell me everything. Now you have something juicy and you’re acting all coy!” She paused. “By something juicy I meant gossip… not Junhee.”

Yuchan sniggered. “I don’t know what you want me to tell you…”

“Do you love him? Are you _in love_ with him? Do you think this is it? Are you going to move in with him? Are you going to _marry_ him?”

Yuchan blinked.

“Uh… Yes… Yes… I don’t know… No, don’t be stupid… And no, it’s not legal.”

It took a minute for his answers to trickle through Kyungmi’s tipsy brain. “Okay I’m lost. So you’ve said you love each other?”

“Mh.”

“Wait, what’s not legal?”

“Marrying Junhee.” He smirked, nodding at the barman for more drinks. “In case you’d forgotten… we’ve both got a dick. And that means we can’t possibly be in love.” He rolled his eyes, and Kyungmi scowled.

“Pssht. Leave Korea. Fuck us.” She took up the freshly-arrived drink and swigged it. Her round cheeks were turning pinker. “But wait, would you?” She raised a hand, stopping him, still thinking over her own string of questions and Yuchan’s chain of answers. “Wait, you said you don’t know if this is ‘it’?”

“Yeah. Dummy.” He laughed, feeling a little shy. “We’ve only been together two and a half months…”

Kyungmi leaned forward, narrowing her eyes at him. “And… you think that means you _should_ be saying it’s too early to tell, but actually, you secretly think he might be the one.”

“Kyungmi…” Yuchan sighed, fixing her with an exasperated look. His mouth flickered up in amusement.

“Am I wrong?”

Yuchan thought about lying, but gave in. “No.” He sipped his drink with an embarrassed shrug. “But I’m also not an idiot. I don’t want to get ahead of myself and… I don’t know if he feels the same.” He flicked her fingers in mock annoyance. “Do you know how infuriating it is that you can do that? Read my mind?”

“Hmph. It’s almost like you shouldn’t try and lie to me.” Her smirk softened to a smile. “You know, Chan, this is the happiest I’ve ever seen you. I know the last couple of weeks haven’t been nice but… I don’t think you’re getting ahead of yourself. He's gorgeous, kind, smart and focussed.” Yuchan felt himself go a little pink, unable to keep the smile from his lips. Kyungmi drank from her cocktail. “Not entirely sure why he’s dating _you_ …”

She cackled loudly as Yuchan smacked her on the head.

~

**_Junhee_ **

Junhee dry-swallowed a pill, wincing and hissing a curse as he tilted his neck.

The dorm was quiet – he was home alone as the other boys rehearsed for the comeback. Three days had passed since he had been discharged, and he had spent it stuck indoors, painfully aware that every second ticking past was another second lost. Damn it, this week they were due to film their music video for the comeback – it had already been pushed back because of him. And all when he had promised he would work extra hard to show Choi he deserved his second chance.

He stood up quickly, ignoring the whip of pain that shot down his back. To hell with it. His concussion was muted to a headache, the drugs dulled the worst of the pain in his neck, and his stitches were holding his forehead together. He couldn’t bear sitting around for another second and in five minutes he had thrown on workout clothes and grabbed what he needed.

His hand paused on the front door. It took three heartbeats to pump anxiety around his entire system – and three more to identify its cause. He took a steadying breath.

_She’s not here. She’s not going to get you._

He headed out and refused to pay mind to the thudding in his chest. But he still glanced over his shoulder as he opened his car door, checking… No camera... No black four-by-four waiting…

“Get your shit together, idiot,” he muttered to himself, pulling out from the complex. His neck hurt as he drove, but he blanked out the pain, just the same way he blanked out the ache of his muscles when he trained hard, or blanked out hunger when he was dieting. He kept glancing in the rear-view mirror – and then caught himself. He scoffed at his own paranoia, and wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans.

Back inside the agency building, he headed up to their floor.

“Junhee- _sunbaenim_!”

Junhee looked up to find three girls skittering down the corridor towards him. The three trainees all wore their hair in identical pigtails and their young faces looked worried.

“I’ve told you, you don’t have to call me that…” He raised an eyebrow as they all ducked multiple bows.

“Are you okay? We heard about the accident!”

“Do you need anything? Do you want us to fetch you anything?”

He gave a small smile. “I’m fine, don’t worry. I’ve gotta get back to practice.” He turned away, heading back to the practice room. As he got to the end of the corridor, hushed voices floated after him.

“I wish we could debut faster… Then I might be confident enough to ask him if he wanted to hang out…”

“Hey! That’s not fair! I joined the agency first, I met him first..!”

Junhee snorted as he rounded the corner. Good god, they weren’t just young women, they were eighteen – they were mere _kids_. It both amused and perplexed him when they flirted so fiercely with him. Couldn’t they sense it? The only attention he wanted was from the boy who had been with him that morning, the one who had played with his hair and kneaded the knots out of his shoulders and left kisses on his ribs. They would be better off trying their hand with Kisang – although he was the fussiest boy Junhee had ever known.

_Speaking of the devil…_

“Junhee!” Kisang stared as he walked into the studio, making Chinsun spin around in surprise as well.

“What are you doing here?”

“I’m here to work.”

“Uh, the doctor told you to rest for two weeks…” A frown settled over Kisang’s face. “It’s been three days…”

“Yes.” He chucked down his bag and folded his arms. “And our comeback is October 30th, and it’s September 18th.” He looked at their dubious expressions. “I’m _fine._ The meds keep the pain away. I can still sing, can’t I? And I can just take it easier. But… please go through the choreo with me that I’ve missed?”

The two boys exchanged glances. “Fine,” Kisang sighed eventually. “Only because I know that once you’ve set your mind on something, there’s precious little anyone can do to change it.”

~

Comebacks had a special way of fast-forwarding the hands of the clock. The second that date was put over their heads, it was like a deadline shadowed every member of the agency through every day. There were songs to finalise, photoshoots to perfect, choreography to hone, music videos to film, social media releases to plan… The mornings started earlier and earlier, and the nights grew later, until every day they began before sunrise and they rarely left the company building before midnight. And in between – meetings, practice, workouts, briefings, vocal coaching, English lessons, Japanese lessons, physio…

Junhee was grateful that the whiplash pain faded fast; the first few days were agonising. As it dissipated, it left him able to fully focus on his work. And, privately, he wanted the focus – it was in the quiet moments that that strange new anxiety crept up on him… That he found himself casting glances over his shoulder… That he replayed the accident again and again in his head. So, he had ramped up his gym sessions to daily – no excuses – and devoted himself entirely to preparations. By the sixth day, he had successfully traded out all but one of his meals a day for coffee, and despite the lightheaded spells and cold sweats, he was staying on his feet.

As the last evening in September drew in, Junhee sat with the boys in their music room going over their harmonies. He had his hood drawn up, sat in the corner on the floor as three of the boys worked through their part of a song, his eyes down on his phone.

_Junhee: I fucking miss you_

He sent the message, and was gratified to see the status switch immediately to _Yuchan is typing…_

Inevitably, there had been less time for them to spend time together in these past couple of weeks. Not only did they have to be extra cautious while the media flames died down online – and give Junhee’s company no more grievances while they fought their ongoing legal battle – but Junhee barely had any time to pause for breath and be alone with his own thoughts, let alone spend time with anyone else. So they made do with snatched hours here and there, and late night phone calls until one of them drifted off to sleep.

_Yuchan: I fucking miss you more. But you’re doing awesome amazing things and I’m proud of you_

Junhee pulled his fingers further into his sleeves and leaned his head against the wall.

_Junhee: Stop it, the nicer you are the more I want to be with you_

_Yuchan: Heh. Where are you now?_

_Junhee: In a studio doing some vocal stuff with the boys. What are you doing?_

_Yuchan: Thinking about you._

_Yuchan: [photo]_

Junhee was halfway through sipping his coffee and snorted it straight through his nose. He quickly turned it into a cough as the boys looked up at him, and he waved away their attention, keeping his phone tilted away.

They went back to their singing and Junhee stole another glance at his phone and groaned internally. It was warm lighting, and the photo captured Yuchan from the lower half of his face down to the top of his thighs. His fingers curled around himself and a faint smile caught on his lips. Junhee bit down on his lip hard.

_Junhee: Well, fuck._

_Yuchan: *angel emoji*_

_Junhee: …This is cruel. You’re cruel. You’re doing this because you know I’m in a room full of company, aren’t you?_

_Yuchan: *angel emoji*_

_Junhee: Now ALL I’m going to be able to think about all night is how badly I want to be on you_

_Yuchan: *devil emoji*_

Junhee snorted softly, drinking in his body one last time before shutting his phone and concentrating again on their music.

They worked well into the early hours – so late that they debated the worth of going home. But they made it back to the dorm and collapsed into bed, all seven passing out instantly in the clothes they had been wearing.

Junhee’s sleep was restless – at first, he saw Yuchan, got to play with his hair and trace his fingers, at least in his dreams. But then there was a girl – he tried to lose her in the crowd, but no matter where he turned she was _there_ … He broke into a run, desperate to lose her, because she was going to hurt him, he knew that with no doubt… He ran faster but his head was light, he hadn’t eaten… Where was Kisang? And Haesong? And Yuchan? He fled down the street but there, at the end, a black four-by-four…

He woke up with a gasp and sat up straight. Heat prickled at his temples as his breathing gradually slowed. Across the room, Kisang glanced up from getting changed.

“Y’alright?” he asked, his voice husky from the early morning.

“Yeah…” Junhee rubbed his face, his heart still beating wildly. “Just a dream.”

Before he could even register his own exhaustion, they were back at work, and by eight o’clock sat over their English books with their tutor. Junhee blinked down at the words, the foreign letters blurring in and out. He wasn’t convinced he could even read Korean today, let alone English. His stomach growled in protest, and he realised with a pang that he had only had time for a snack yesterday.

 _Focus,_ he scolded himself. _You can get something at lunch._

The day passed in a blur of hard work, and in the early evening four of their group disappeared to film scenes for their music video. Haesong disappeared to the gym, and Jihoon took the opportunity to head home early. He stuck his head round the door of the music room Junhee was in before he left.

“You coming?”

Junhee shook his head. “I’m… I’m heading in a bit.” He raised a pointed eyebrow that alluded to his meaning: _I’m going back to Yuchan’s_.

“Ah, gotcha. See you in a bit.”

Junhee took a deep breath, rubbing his tired eyes. It was rare to get time to himself. He tucked his feet up on his chair and propped his phone on top of the piano at which he sat. A few clicks and a password, and he opened a broadcasting stream. Instantly, the viewer number began to rocket up into the thousands.

“Hey, Honeybee.” He smiled, nudging his bangs to one side. “It’s Jun. I missed you…”

He told himself that he did solo broadcasts just for the fans, but the reality was that it felt a little bit like therapy. He could just talk freely, chatter on about whatever he wanted and know that they would be listening, from wherever in the world they were. And it was validating – the comments flew past too fast to read, but he could soak up their compliments and kind words. It made the work feel worth it.

He talked easily, teasing about the ‘new plans’ – the fans didn’t know the date of the comeback yet. After a while, he cracked his fingers and rested them on the piano keys.

“I’m writing a new song, do you want to hear it?” He pushed his glasses up his nose, peering at the comments on his phone and smiling at the flurry of yeses.

He felt a little rusty; he didn’t get much time to sit in front of a piano these days. And as for writing songs – exhaustion, anxiety and hunger hardly made for an inspiring mix. But he _did_ have something else, something in his life that was fast becoming his muse, and in the snatched moments between their manic schedules the last couple of weeks, he had managed to channel his feelings into music.

As soon as he began to sing, stress melted from his mind.

_I built these walls around me to hide a fragile heart_

_So long I’ve been looking for a lighthouse in the dark_

_It’s been an endless night stranded out to sea alone_

_But I’ve finally found your light to guide me home_

~

**_Yuchan_ **

Yuchan lay on his bed, fixed to his phone. He needed to finish cooking but he had wandered away as a notification had come through: _AJB Surprise Live!_ He knew Junhee was coming home to him later but he couldn’t resist stopping to watch him, his heart panging at the way he looked with his glasses on and his hood pulled up.

But he hadn’t been prepared for this. Along with a hundred thousand other people, he watched Junhee play piano, emotion rising very suddenly up his throat.

_It’s been an endless night stranded out to sea alone_

_But I’ve finally found your light to guide me home_

He kept his tears silent, because he didn’t want to miss a second of this song. It was overwhelming – somehow, he understood and believed in this form of expression more than any of Junhee’s words of affirmation until now. He had written a song… Somehow _Yuchan’s_ love had been enough to inspire Junhee to write a song and that… that filled him with an entirely indescribable feeling.

He was still crying as the broadcast ended, and he replayed it again and again. His eyes were still damp as the doorbell rang.

Junhee was wrapped up even more than usual, and hurried inside with a glance over his shoulder. Yuchan, despite his emotions, hesitated as he shut the door.

“Are you okay? Is someone following you?”

“No, no… It’s fine, I-” Junhee stopped, one hand on the strap of his mask, as he turned to Yuchan. “Hey, Channie, you’ve been crying…”

“Yeah…” Junhee curled arms around his waist and for a moment Yuchan’s head swam – he missed him so much whenever they were apart. “Your song...”

It took a moment for realisation to show in Junhee’s eyes. “You heard that?” Yuchan nodded and Junhee turned a little pink. “I didn’t think you’d hear it… It’s not finished, I can do better.”

“It’s perfect.” Yuchan blinked hard. “I… Um… Yeah.” He cleared his throat, words sticking on his tongue.

“Wait, do you watch our broadcasts?!”

“Of course I do.”

Junhee looked surprised, and happy, and Yuchan felt a rush of desperate love for him. He caught up his lips with his own, wishing he had a way – like Junhee had music – to show him just how strongly he felt about him.

“Mh.” Junhee tucked his head against Yuchan’s neck, leaning on him heavily. Yuchan stroked his hair.

“What’s up?”

“I’m so tired…” He didn’t move. “If you stayed still, I could fall asleep with you holding me up.”

“Well, let’s get some food first.”

Yuchan detangled himself and headed back to the kitchen. Junhee trailed after him, and Yuchan glanced up over the plates. Junhee’s face was covered in shadows and he looked drawn. Even though there were only a few days in between their meetings, he noticed a stark change in Junhee each time. It was as though some invisible sickness was nibbling away at that boy – but Yuchan knew it was nothing of the sort. This was the countdown to comeback, and clearly this was how it was going to be. All he could do was try and support him and take care of him as much as he could.

He started to plate up food and Junhee leaned his elbows on the counter.

“I don’t really need to eat, I ate at work.”

Yuchan looked up in surprise. “Y’sure? It’s good, I promise.” Junhee nodded with a smile. Yuchan felt a little twinge of concern in his chest and carried on serving himself, keeping his voice light. “What did you have?”

“Huh? Oh, uh…” He glanced up as Junhee rubbed his nose. “Some… Just some pasta from the place round the corner from work.” He shot Yuchan another smile and wandered from the kitchen.

Yuchan watched him leave, one hand on his chopsticks. A creeping sense of unease stole over him, the same one that had started to flutter into his subconscious whenever her saw Junhee hitch up his jeans in the last couple of weeks. He followed Junhee into the living room and sat the other end of the sofa to him, letting their toes touch.

“How was work today?” Junhee leaned forward, rerolling the ends of Yuchan’s chinos.

“Mh, fine. Hey, you’re not trying to lose weight, are you?” He said it around a mouthful, forcing a casual tone, but he stole a glance up for Junhee’s reaction.

“Stop worrying.” Junhee smiled affectionately. He opened his mouth and pointed at it, and despite himself, Yuchan grinned, feeding him some of his dinner. Junhee’s eyebrows knitted in appreciation.

“Fuck, this is so good!” He tickled Yuchan’s ankle. “My little chef.”

With a glimmer of pride, Yuchan allowed himself to be distracted, talking about the new recipes and techniques he was learning. It was one of the things he loved most about Junhee: the way he listened so carefully to things no one else paid attention to.

But it was a short-lived happiness. They settled to watch a movie, and Yuchan kept glancing at Junhee. He was so obviously distracted, his eyes unseeing, his mind elsewhere. Yuchan was torn – keep probing? Or let it slide? Sure, Junhee had always worked hard, and hell, on their second date he’d been reluctant to order more than a salad, and of course Yuchan noticed those things. But this… This was different.

He kept quiet right up until they turned out the lights in bed. Junhee cuddled him until, he presumed, he thought Yuchan was asleep. Then he pulled away, tossing and turning with a sigh every few minutes. Yuchan lay awake listening to his restlessness until it became unbearable.

“Y’okay angel?”

“I can’t sleep.” Junhee sighed and linked his fingers through Yuchan’s. “But I’m fine. Go to sleep.”

There was nothing but silent darkness for a moment, and Yuchan nearly faded out to sleep. But he heard Junhee’s stomach growling and it jolted him awake in alarm. He looked at him, despairing, and then rolled over, lying over Junhee’s chest.

“Hey.” Junhee’s eyes looked up at him through the darkness. Yuchan searched them and hunted for the right words. Eventually, he came up short of anything other than the simple truth.

“I’m worried about you.”

“Worried about me? Why?” Junhee laughed quietly, reaching up to brush back Yuchan’s hair. “Don’t be silly.”

“You’re under a lot of pressure… and what happened with that girl… it was traumatic.” He hesitated. “It’s… okay to not be coping, y’know?”

“Not coping?” For a second, Yuchan could have sworn he saw vulnerability leak across Junhee’s face, but it was dark, and it was instantly masked. “I’m coping just _fine_. I’ve got you, haven’t I?” He grinned and reached up to kiss him.

Yuchan considered saying more, but he wavered and relented to the playful kisses Junhee left on his face instead. He let it drop, and pulled Junhee over him instead, in love with the way draping Junhee across him and cuddling him close put him to sleep, and trying to push away the voice in the back of his mind telling him that Junhee was lying, and that he wasn’t coping at all.

~

**_Junhee_ **

Twenty-seven days until comeback. By this point, the AJB boys may as well have had a huge scarlet countdown positioned over their heads, ticking away the seconds that ran like water through their fingers. It was stressful and exciting, but there was precious little time to dwell on either.

However, for all Junhee attempted to fling himself into preparations, he couldn’t escape the other pressing matter in his life.

“Hey, Junhee? Could Choi borrow you for a sec?” Their manager shot an apologetic smile at their English teacher as he appeared around the door. “Don’t worry, you’re not in trouble.”

“Love that you have to caveat that now,” Haesong quipped, and Junhee shot him a glare. “What? Too soon?”

Junhee smacked him over the head as he left the room, following their manager down the corridor to the office.

“Ah, Mr Park, sit down.” Choi indicated the comfortable chairs to one side of his office, set around a low table. An iced coffee waited for him. Junhee hesitated, sitting and taking the coffee suspiciously.

“Why are you being nice to me?” he asked slowly, looking at the coffee like it might have been poisoned.

Choi scoffed as he sat down. “I’m always nice to you! Good god, Junhee, you act like I’m a principal about to give you a scolding.” The very faintest hint of a smile appeared on his face. “Which, on this rare occasion, I’m not.”

“I’m not that bad,” Junhee muttered grumpily, making Choi chuckle.

“Anyway, I want to update you on our legal situation.” Junhee’s heart skipped and he looked up. “Our press team has gathered evidence from social media and even emails into the company from fans looking to support us. We also have the dashcam footage from the accident. The girl may have walked away unscathed, but anyone can see that she caused that accident deliberately.”

Junhee nodded, looking down at his coffee.

“So the long and short of it is we have a case. And a serious one at that – I’ve spoken at length to our lawyers and they plan to press charges for defamation, harassment, dangerous driving and intent to cause grievous bodily harm.” Junhee looked up at that last one, feeling shaky. He knew it – they all knew it – but hearing someone clinically state that someone had actually tried to hurt him… He masked a shiver. “So, she will go to prison, Junhee.”

“She will?”

“Yes.” Choi narrowed his eyes a little, his gaze not leaving Junhee’s face. “We don’t have any doubt. But we will need you to give evidence in court.”

Junhee’s heart missed a beat. “Court..?” he echoed. Sudden fear swept through him at the idea of having to see the girl again. “B-but…”

Choi raised his hands to quiet him. “I don’t know the details yet. But I do know that you might have an option to give evidence from a separate room – they can use video links and all sorts.” His voice was uncharacteristically soft. “We’ll make sure this is as painless for you as possible.”

Junhee nodded slowly, playing with the cup between his hands. In the midst of everything, he hadn’t even thought of the need to attend a trial. And _now_ , of all times? Fuck, he could do without this…

“Are you alright?” Choi waited until Junhee met his gaze again. “And I don’t just mean right now. I mean in general.” Junhee nodded quickly and Choi kept his gaze firm. “Because you’ve experienced a really traumatic set of events, and with the comeback coming up you’re under a lot of pressure…” He looked thoughtful. “I’m worried about you, if truth be told, Junhee.”

There it was again, for the second time this week: _I’m worried about you_. Concern emanating from two of the people in his life who knew him best, and it made Junhee wriggle with discomfort. He was _fine_ , and he felt immediately guilty for, apparently, doing a terrible job of reassuring his loved ones. He didn’t want these people to be worrying so much.

“I’m fine, sir. Honestly.”

Choi took a sip of his own coffee. “I hope you would tell me if not. We could help you, find you someone to talk to…”

“I don’t need to talk to anyone, sir.” Junhee smiled, but his eyes were firm. “I’ve got this in hand.” He glanced at the clock on the wall. “Sorry sir, thank you for the update, but is it okay if I get back to my class?”

Choi watched him without saying a word for a long, weighted moment. And then he sighed. “Yes, go on.”

“Cool. Thanks for the coffee!”

Junhee shut the office door behind himself quietly and took a deep breath. The idea of a court trial now joined his stack of anxieties, balanced on top of an ever-growing and shaky tower of them.

Deep, deep down, he knew that perhaps he wasn’t being honest with Choi, or Yuchan, or even himself. He knew that since the accident, he hadn’t felt quite _right_ , and all of it was building on a rocky foundation of stress: the way his body looked, lying to Choi about Yuchan, maintaining his relationship, the pressure of the comeback… And somewhere in among all that, he’d lost the enjoyment of work. Sure, comebacks were stressful – but they were also fun, and exciting, and normally he couldn’t wait to see the fans’ reactions. Now, he couldn’t say for certain that he felt any of that.

It felt like his head was a pressure cooker, and he was growing desperate to let it out.

 _I’ll let it out at the gym later_ , he thought with resolve, feeling a spark of hope. He could take a break at lunch to work out – that would make him feel better, give him an outlet for this anxiety. Feeling a little better, he made his way back to the classroom and went back to his English studies.

~

**_Yuchan_ **

Yuchan took the scenic route home from work in the evening, one hand in his pocket. His brother had called just as he was finishing up his shift, and he took the pretty path down by the river as he chatted to him.

“Oh yeah, I know Naksan!” Yujin spoke around whatever he was eating. “We went there as kids, do you remember? When we visited Mom’s friend? You were about five, and you spend the whole day building sandcastles and we took you home looking like a little walnut.”

Yuchan grinned. “I’d love to say I’ve changed but… I built sandcastles all day this time too.”

He enjoyed calls like this – when he talked to Yujin and money didn’t get mentioned. They were inseparable as kids, and extremely close as adults – until the addiction. It had put a strain on things, of course it had, and even though Yuchan knew he was initiating so much of that frustration, he couldn’t change it. But it was still his brother, and calls like this made his heart happy.

“So, it sounds like things are going well with Junhee then?” There was a casualness in Yujin’s tone, but Yuchan knew he was desperate to dig the gossip and relay it to their parents at the next opportunity.

“Yeah.” Yuchan smiled again, heading away from the riverside and up towards his apartment. “Aside from the drama, it’s good… He makes me happy.”

“Aw, my liddle brother is so in love…”

“Oh, fuck yourself,” Yuchan laughed. “Anyway, I’m nearly home and I’m desperate to take a shower so go away.”

Yujin cursed him out under his breath. “No respect, I swear…”

Yuchan was still wearing a happy expression as he headed around the back of the apartment block, keys dangling from his fingers. He stopped in surprise as he saw a familiar face learning against a white car.

“Hey! You’re already here!”

Junhee’s face lit up in response. The agency had given the AJB three days off – time to visit their families before the comeback announcement was shared and schedules started to lock down. Yuchan had asked if Junhee wanted to go back to Jeolla-do, but he had scoffed hard at the suggestion. And so Yuchan got him to himself for three whole days.

He hurried to shut the door and scooped Junhee up, holding him up in the entranceway and kissing him through a giggle. He began to head upstairs and Junhee raised an eyebrow.

“You can put me down…”

“You weigh about two pounds, you’re going nowhere.”

Yuchan got him inside his apartment and began to lavish kisses on his neck, chucking down his keys and nudging the front door shut with an elbow. He smiled, loving the way he could feel tension melt out of Junhee as he covered him in attention.

Eventually, he let him slide to the floor, freeing up his hands to unbutton Junhee’s shirt and start prising open his belt. It was supremely satisfying to feel his body responding to the merest brush of his fingers through denim.

“Hey, uh, I found something out today.”

Yuchan stopped and looked up, his hands paused in their undressing.

“I have to give evidence in court.” Yuchan blinked, still not moving. Junhee gave a wry look. “For the trial. They’re going to put her in prison but… not before I give evidence.”

“Fuck, Junhee… How do you feel about that?”

“Yeah… Well. Anyway, I wanted to get that out there.”

“Do you wanna talk about it?” Yuchan went to move away, and Junhee grabbed his hand, hard, and returned it to where it was, a small grin forming on his face.

“Oh, no, I need you to carry on with exactly what you were doing.” He tilted his head and tugged Yuchan’s earlobe with his teeth; it had an immediate reaction through his whole body. “That’s precisely the therapy I need right now.”

Yuchan gave a small shrug, a similar smile creeping over his face. “If you say so…”

Yuchan had been savouring this more than ever in the last few weeks – at first, he thought it was because the limited time they could see each other was driving him wild. But then he realised: this was the only time at the moment he saw Junhee free from tension. Those permanent lines of worry smoothed out from his face as he gasped, the dark little smiles as he pinned Yuchan down and rode him banished the absent expression of anxiety he wore the rest of the time. And perhaps, feeling him shudder in his arms and whimper Yuchan’s name… It made Yuchan feel as though at least this way, he could stop him from thinking about his problems, just for a while.

But this time, as they detached themselves from one another, warm and sticky, Junhee didn’t re-mask with his stressed expression. Instead, he fixed a pensive look on Yuchan.

“What are you thinking?” Yuchan sat up, his hair stuck up at angles.

“Hmm. Wanna drink?” Junhee leaned down to kiss Yuchan’s knee. “We haven’t been able to drink together in ages.”

“I absolutely do.” Yuchan hopped off the bed and pulled Junhee up, sifting through discarded clothes to work out whose was whose.

A couple of hours later, and both were happily on their way to being drunk. They sat in the middle of the living room, music playing, bottles set down around them. Yuchan made a joke that made Junhee dribble soju down his chin, and that set both of them off laughing. Even through his fuzzy haze, Yuchan took a moment to drink in the sound of Junhee’s laughter. This was fun, and it was such a relief to see him happy.

Several bottles in, Yuchan pulled up his phone and ordered them food. They carried on swapping stories as they ate – interrupted as they found each other’s mouths, drunk hands pulling away clothes again, a bottle of soju knocked over as they fucked messily.

“Do you wanna go for walk? I’m warm.” By half eleven, Junhee had abandoned his shot glass and swigged from the bottle, and Yuchan feigned shock.

“What? Actually leave the _house_ with you?” He grinned. “I’d love to. Let’s go.”

It was a quiet weeknight, and October had brought a faint chill to the nighttime. They wore each other’s hoodies, pulling the sleeves down to fend off the cold from their fingers. But their faces remained flushed from alcohol, giggling and wobbling a little as they headed down to walk by the river. They found a quiet spot on the riverside and sat down, watching the black water run beyond their feet.

“This has been so fun.” Junhee gave a hiccup after his statement, and Yuchan grinned.

“It has.”

There was a moment of quietness, where there was nothing but the distant stream of cars in the city and the flow of the water.

“When I get days off, I start to wish really hard that I never have to go back.”

Yuchan looked up in surprise. Junhee’s face was still that happy shade of pink, but suddenly his eyes, looking out over the water, were wide with… sadness? Yuchan dared to reach over and touch his fingers with his own.

“Hey, you don’t mean that. You love what you do…”

“But I think I _do_ mean it.” He turned to look at Yuchan, his eyes a little watery. “I just want this to be my reality. Spending time with my boyfriend, eating what I want, just… having fun. Can’t I just be normal again? Is it too late to change my life to what I want it to be?”

Yuchan watched him, uncertain how to respond. It was the alcohol talking – it had to be, because AJB was Junhee’s life. His whole world was dancing and performing and music – and he was amazing at it. They might only have been dating a few months but Yuchan couldn’t imagine Junhee without his idol status – so much so, that the ‘normal musician’ he had pretended to be when they first met now seemed so utterly unbelievable.

“Come on. What would life be without music, and without your boys? I know things have been tough, but music’s your passion.” He punched him gently. “And I’ll always be here, you know that. We can find other nights to get drunk and eat pizza. Promise.”

Junhee nodded, blinking hard. “Yeah…”

Yuchan hated the look of sadness on his face. “Come on.” He stood up, holding out a hand. “Let’s go home. May as well finish off the last of that bottle. And,” he shrugged, standing close to Junhee and putting his hands in his pockets nonchalantly. “You can still walk, and that’s not how I plan for things to be once I’m finished with you tonight.”

It worked, because Junhee’s eyebrows shot up in surprise, and the sadness was replaced with amusement. “Is that so?”

“Oh, that’s a _promise_.”

~

**Junhee**

Fifteen days until comeback.

A hand pulled on Junhee’s arm as he returned to the studio from the bathroom.

“Junhee! Can you bring me your passport when you get a moment? I need to get booking flights for the tour.”

He nodded and turned directly into another waiting body.

“Junhee, we still need to take in your comeback stage outfit. When do you have time to remeasure?”

He eventually detached himself from the frantic bustling, and practically fell back into the studio.

“Can you all practice _Sixty Seconds_ again? I need to get a teaser video to put on Twitter.” Their manager hovered on a chair, phone in hand. “Are you going live later?”

“Yeah,” Haesong replied, trying to tame his hair in the mirror as they took their places. “In the car on the way home, because we don’t have any other time.”

“Okay when you do, can you drop a mention of the album showcase?”

They went through the dance for their new title track, and within minutes a snippet was posted online to thousands of shrieking responses in a dozen languages. Staff flurried in and out, rehearsals interrupted by meetings all day. Their stylist dragged them away mid-vocal lesson for a last fitting, insisting they try on all the outfits for upcoming stages.

“Ugh, nothing fits you!” She threw up her hands in exasperation, fixing Junhee with an accusatory stare. “We only measured you a month ago!” She tugged angrily on his clothes, uncaring for his personal space. She snapped a tape measure and wound it tight around his waist. “Could you please stop losing weight!”

“Hey now, Ms Jung, that’s enough of that.” Kisang shot her a reproachful look, and it was one Junhee felt instant gratitude for. He felt like he had hardly lost any weight at all – and he definitely was still worried about that. This was stressful enough - having someone read out his damn measurements to him aloud, in front of the others - let alone getting snapped at in the process.

After struggling in and out of a dozen outfits, they returned to their own clothes and went back to work. In the midst of multiple conversations breaking out between the boys and staff, Junhee slipped outside and onto the terrace.

He let out a slow breath, leaning his hands on the low wall and looking out over Seoul. It was like there was a permanent buzzing in his ears – everyone wanted his attention, everyone needed to ask him something, instruct him to do something, gain his opinion. He had lyrics, choreography, tour schedules, radio appearances and music show bookings falling out of his ears. And he was tired, and he was _so hungry_ -

“Junhee! I was looking for you.”

He glanced up to see Mr Choi heading outdoors. Junhee tried a weak smile but couldn’t guarantee it was convincing. Choi didn’t seem to notice.

“I wanted to tell you that we’ve been given a date for the trial.” He came to stand next to Junhee, hands in pockets. “It’s on November 14th.”

Junhee stared, his heart picking up pace. “That’s… soon.” He looked frantically over the terrace. “Right in the middle of promotions?!”

“It is, but just think, once it’s done, you can put this all behind you.”

Junhee looked down on the street below, the wind catching his hair. He supposed that was true – and he just wanted her in prison. But he would have to prepare – wouldn’t he? Did he have to practice what he would say? Meet with their lawyers? What about going to court, would he have to miss a schedule? His mind raced, trying to remember what they had booked for that day, but he could hardly remember where he needed to be in three hours…

As his mind raced, his eyes stopped passing absently over the people in the street. They fixed instead on one still figure. A camera was in their hands, raised. Stood next to a black car.

Junhee made a noise of fright, lurching for the railing as suddenly, his head swam.

“Junhee? What is it..?”

The person lowered their camera. And then raised it at the pretty fountain on the other side of the road. Clearly happy with their pictures, the tourist carried on walking down the street, joined by another person with a map. Meanwhile, the black car trundled along as the traffic began to move again.

Quite abruptly, Junhee was finding it very hard to breathe. He could hear it sticking in his throat, and everything felt simultaneously trapped in a bubble and very far away. He put his hands to his forehead, afraid that his throat would close altogether and he would run out of air. His entire body trembled.

“Junhee! Woah, steady now, take a deep breath.”

Choi had never touched him in his entire life, but he physically prised Junhee’s hands from his face and held onto his wrists. Junhee stayed frozen as the great wave of fear swept through him and made the entire world swim.

“Okay, sit down now, sit down…” Choi ushered him to a chair and he sat down heavily. Gradually, the feelings of panic left his body, but his heart continued to race, sweat breaking out down his neck.

“I’m sorry…” As the rush of adrenaline faded, tears rapidly fought to replace it. And _no_ , he wouldn’t let Choi see him cry. He wouldn’t let _anyone_ here see him cry. He stood up abruptly. “I think I just need to take a break and get some food.”

Go with that one – he knew it played into Choi’s worries about them eating well. It worked.

“Is that what you need? Of course. Go get some food, or go back to the dorm and eat there and take a break. It’s fine.” Choi’s voice was steady but his expression remained concerned. “Do you need someone with you?”

“No, I can drive. I drove here this morning from the gym.”

“Are you sure-”

“I’m fine. Could you tell the others?”

Junhee barely waited for a nod before he turned and pushed back through to the studio. He kept his head down, even though he knew the boys were all looking at him, and he broke into a run to head out into the corridor as he heard Choi start to speak to them.

He practically ran from the building, tears spilling from his eyes as he got into his car and pulled across his seatbelt with shaky hands. For a second, he just tilted his head back against the headrest, trying to stop the sniffles turning into sobs. He took several steadying breaths and started the engine, dragging a sleeve across his eyes as he drove out of the underground carpark.

It was only ten minutes back to the dorm, as rain began to patter down from grey clouds overhead. As he drove, his hands-free chimed happily, and he shot a look at it desperately: _Yuchannie._ He gritted his teeth, torn, and then answered it.

“Oh! Hey! I didn’t expect you to pick up-”

“What is it, Chan?”

He could feel the surprised pause on the end of the line.

“Um… Sorry, I was… I was just going to leave you a message… Thought it would be cute.” He heard Yuchan hesitate again. “Sorry, is this a bad time?”

“It’s _fine_ , I’m just driving.”

“S-sorry… Where are you going?”

“Home. The dorm. Chan, can I call you back later? I…” He swallowed hard, pulling up and entering the code for their gates. “Look, I’ll call you back.”

He felt instantly guilty as he headed inside. The adrenaline had gone and it had left behind an exhaustion he was furious at. His legs felt wobbly, and he wasn’t sure if it was from working out, dieting, or the fear that had blitzed through him at the thought of seeing the girl…

_For Christ’s sake, you’re pathetic. You saw a kid with a camera. And now this is your response?!_

He couldn’t remember the last time he had cried like this. Perhaps it was because he was so rarely alone – always surrounded by staff or the boys, or with Yuchan. But on his own, he sank down on the sofa and wept, his shoulders shaking. This was all too much. He felt like he was spinning a thousand fragile plates and right this second, they were all starting to come smashing down around him.

He cried until he had no energy left to cry.

And then the doorbell rang.

A dozen mixed emotions span through him as he checked the intercom and saw Yuchan waiting at the gates.

“Hey… Junhee? Can you let me in?”

Junhee clicked the buzzer, and frantically dried his eyes, letting the front door open just a crack.

“Hey…” Yuchan let himself in, all the time keeping his eyes fixed on Junhee. He shut the door quietly. “What’s going on?”

“Nothing, I’m fine…”

“No, you’re not…” Yuchan took a step forward; Junhee took a step back. “Sweetheart… It’s okay. Whatever it is, it’s okay…”

“I said _I’m fine_!”

Something snapped in Junhee.

“How many times do I have to fucking repeat that I’m fine! Do you know how fucking frustrating it is to keep getting… _stared_ at like I’m some fragile little doll? I’m handling this _fine_ , I’m coping just _fine_!” The tears had gone, and in their place, his voice rose, and his fists curled. Everything that had been squashed down for weeks, months, _years_ came rising up his throat like venom. And it overrode everything, overrode the fact he didn’t want to shout at Yuchan, he truly didn’t, but… “If one more person walks around me like they’re on eggshells, I swear to god..!”

“Junhee, calm down.” Yuchan held out placating hands. “Whatever happened today… You can talk to me, okay? But you’ve got to calm down first.”

Junhee looked away, one hand on his forehead, breathing hard.

“Look… I’m not trying to undermine how strong you are.” Yuchan’s voice had taken on an uncertain tone. “But… I think people are worried about you because… because you’re not fine. I’m just worried… I don’t think you processed what happened with that sasaeng properly… I think you might need some help…”

“I need help?!” Junhee stared at him, tears and anger mixing in his throat. “Is that what you think?”

Yuchan stepped back, his eyes widening with worry. “It’s not a bad thing, I just worry how anxious it’s making you and think it might help to talk to someone…” Junhee stared at him and said nothing. “Angel, it’s not a weakness. But I think you need to work through what happened and also I…” Yuchan stalled.

“Go _on_.”

Yuchan’s gaze wavered. “I think you might… need help with the… the eating thing…”

Junhee went very hot, and then very cold, very quickly. “What do you mean.” He hissed it without thinking, just to buy himself more time, because noone was ever, _ever_ supposed to pick up on that.

“I just…” Yuchan wrung his hands, looking beseechingly at Junhee. “You’ve not been eating much and… you hide it from me. And you’ve lost a bunch of weight and-”

The final straw snapped.

Junhee told everyone he was _fine_. And now someone was standing in front of him and seeing inside his head and it was _terrifying._

“What are you _talking_ about?!” He let out a breath of humourless laughter, eyes boring into Yuchan’s. “What are you, a _shrink_?!”

“N-no, I-”

“How dare you try and accuse me of all this-”

“-I’m _not_ accusing you of anything! Junhee, I just love y-”

“-like you know me! Well guess what, Yuchan, you don’t. You don’t understand the first _thing_ about my life!”

Yuchan’s voice grew small. “Y-yes I do…”

“No, you don’t!” Junhee blinked tears down his face. Words were pouring from his tongue, his voice was rising, and he didn’t know what he was doing, but he had to get away from this person who was getting inside his head. Had to force him away. He couldn’t let him stand here and make him confront… No. _No._

“Maybe I can’t understand your lifestyle b-but I’m trying, I’m learning, and I-”

“No, you don’t! You don’t understand _any_ of this. This is my life, and you wouldn’t begin to understand what I’ve had to go through to get to where I am. You live in one world and I live in another. You couldn’t _comprehend_ my world.”

“…What?” Yuchan drew his hands inside his jumper, his eyes big. “What does that mean..?”

“You’re a fucking _barista_ , living in your little apartment with your nice housemate. You couldn’t _begin_ to understand the pressure I’m under. Couldn’t _begin_ to understand the things I have to do, how hard I have to work, the discipline I have to live my life with. And you have the fucking audacity to stand there and pretend you know how I feel? And tell me I’m not coping, like you know the first goddamn thing about me?! Well, you don’t. You don’t know me _at all_.”

His words left a whip-crack of anger in the air.

Yuchan just stared at him, his eyes brimming.

“I’m… I’m trying.” His voice was high and shaky when he spoke. “I think you’re wrong, I-I do know you. Or I’m getting to know you. Everything you’ve told me…”

Junhee took a step closer. “That doesn’t mean you know me. That doesn’t mean you can try and see inside me. So what? I lied to you when we met. I made you think I was an entirely different person. I was capable of that, wasn’t I?” Yuchan started to cry, and Junhee refused to acknowledge the fierce pain that twisted in his heart. “What makes you think that this time, you know me?”

There were no barriers up around Yuchan. He just cried, helpless. Every word shattered a piece of him.

And finally, Junhee felt everything crumble. All the words he was speaking… He had to send Yuchan away. He had let him too far in. He’d let him see his weaknesses. And how could he be in a relationship right now, when he felt he barely had the strength to survive?

“Are you..?” Yuchan’s voice broke. “Are you leaving me?”

Junhee shut his eyes, tears rolling down his face. Slowly, he nodded.

“I can’t cope with myself, let alone you! I have to go to court and put someone in prison who tried to hurt me, I have to get ready for this comeback… I can’t do everything anymore! I can’t!”

Yuchan took a wobbly step forward. “So this _is_ about coping, stop making this about us and accept that and I can _help_ you…”

“Just GO, Yuchan.” Junhee sobbed. “What more do I have to say to you to stop you loving me and make you fucking _go_?”

He didn’t open his eyes. He couldn’t. He just waited, tears dripping from his chin, until the front door closed with a bang and splintered his heart into fragments.

The second he was alone, he began to sob silently. He sank to his knees, crying into one hand. What had he done?

He’d had to do it. Letting Yuchan come any closer meant showing his demons. Facing them himself. And he couldn’t let anyone see.

And fuck, he was so broken… Yuchan didn’t deserve this. Let him go. Let him be free from this mess.

But it didn’t stop him crying. He knelt, alone, and sobbed until he had nothing left in him. And the only thing in the world that he wished for was for Yuchan to come back and hold him tight, because Junhee loved him desperately, and because he was the only person in the world who understood.

~

**_Yuchan_ **

He ran the whole way home.

His breath grew ragged, and rain poured down over his head, plastering his hair to his face. He could barely see through his tears.

He arrived at home soaked through and fumbled for his keys. He stumbled upstairs and tried three times to get the key in the lock.

“Hey- Oh!”

Kyungmi stopped dead, staring at him across the living room. He couldn’t even look at her. He just melted down onto the sofa, sobs finally racking his chest.

“Oh Channie… Channie, what happened? What is it?” She scraped back his wet hair and held him tight, her own clothes turning damp. When he didn’t speak, she spoke again, quietly. “Is… is it Junhee?”

“We’re… He… We’re not…” He cried into the crook of his elbow. “Please, _please_ don’t make me say it…”

“Oh Chan… No…” Kyungmi pulled him against her chest. “Is it… Is there a way back?”

Yuchan sobbed bitterly, and then managed to shake his head. Kyungmi held him tight against the world, and he finally gave in, and broke down completely.

_｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ End of Part III ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, boys… What a mess you’re in…
> 
> I’m working so hard on this fic and I’m so happy if you’re reading it – I know I’ve said this before but even if one person enjoys my stories it makes me so happy!
> 
> Side note: I do not know why Yuchan became such a minx in this story, but it amuses me.
> 
> Another side note: I love Kisang so much. I was so happy when one of you commented that you love him too, because I am madly besotted with my own character (a tiny pink-haired main dancer who loves Pokemon and knows about law? Yessir.). My AJB bias is absolutely Kiki (sorry Junhee).
> 
> See you soon for the final chapter!
> 
> With love,  
> The Indigo Dragonfly
> 
> [Come say hi on Twitter!](https://twitter.com/IndiDragonfly)


	4. Part IV

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AJB's impending comeback, lying to CEO Choi, wrestling with body image and a sasaeng putting him in hospital... Junhee has finally reached breaking point, and it manifested as the cruel words he threw at Yuchan, ending their relationship and sending him away in tears.
> 
> The show has to go on - for both of them. But Junhee has just lost the one thing filling his days with happiness - can he manage without him? And what of Yuchan - can he go back to his old life and truly move on, when Junhee has left such an imprint on his heart?

**_Yuchan_ **

“Excuse me? Can we order?”

Yuchan snapped out of his reverie and smiled guiltily at the waiting customers. The man speaking had amusement in his eyes.

“I’m so sorry, I’m in my own little world.” Yuchan brushed his hands on his apron. “What can I get you?”

“An iced mocha, a flat white… and what do you want, sweetheart?” The man looked at the little girl held on his hip, brushing back her black bangs. “Tell the nice man what drink you’d like!” The little girl looked at Yuchan with big eyes and then hid behind a hand, shy. Yuchan’s heart melted.

“Do you like sweet things?” He leaned his elbows on the counter, smiling, and the girl started to grin, nodding her head. “Me too! Do you… like strawberries?” Another nod. “I think I can make a special drink just for you.” He winked at the girl’s dad and grabbed some cups. “I’ll bring them over.”

He made up the three drinks and took them on a tray to the family’s table. He handed the couple their coffees, and then crouched down next to the little girl. She giggled as he held out her drink.

“This is a special strawberry drink _only_ for good girls.” He widened his eyes. “You’ve got to promise you’re going to be a good girl today if you want it.”

“Promise!” The little girl took the drink eagerly and sipped at the straw, her eyes lighting up at the creamy sweetness. “Yummy!”

Yuchan laughed and shot a smile at her parents, heading back to the counter. He heard her giggling and looked up wistfully at the family. And then _there_ was that twist of pain.

He wanted a family so badly – and he’d always looked at little families like this one and felt hopeful that it waited in store in his future. But this time, before he could stop it, he flashed back to lying in bed with Junhee, watching him talk about wanting to be a dad. And before he could stop it, he saw a fleeting picture of the two of them together with their own family and-

Ugh, _stop_. He fumbled a mug as he caught himself in these thoughts. _Stop it, you idiot. It’s over._

It was just shy of a month since he had walked out of Junhee’s dorms for the last time. For the first few days, the pain had been all-encompassing. After that, he had forced himself to function, but every single day it would smash into him at unexpected moments. A song on the radio. Finding one of Junhee’s t-shirts in his wardrobe. And those moments grabbed him by the throat and hurt more than he could have ever dreamed loss could hurt.

He forced himself to focus on his work. This was just one of many extra shifts he had taken on in recent weeks, keen to keep himself distracted. He wiped down the surfaces around the coffee machines. Desperate to replace the tears prickling the back of his eyes, he forced himself instead to focus on the things that made him angry. No text. No call. Nothing from Junhee, ever since he had torn into Yuchan and let him run out crying.

 _You’re a fucking_ barista _, living in your little apartment with your nice housemate. You couldn’t_ begin _to understand the pressure I’m under._

Yuchan welcomed the anger that came with recollecting Junhee’s words. If that was what he thought of Yuchan, then why would he miss him? Why would he shed any more tears over a boy that thought so little of his life?

_Because he didn’t mean it. He lashed out because he was hurting, and that’s not what he thinks at all._

Yuchan tossed the cloth down with frustration. For fuck’s sake, why couldn’t he just be angry in peace, without that little voice of reason jumping in to defend Junhee..?

He made himself as busy as possible for the rest of his shift, and cycled home with a podcast on his headphones to keep himself distracted. Kyungmi was out with friends for dinner tonight, so he fetched out the ingredients to make his own favourite pasta, losing himself in the precise slicing of onions and the monotony of whisking the sauce. His ingredients weren’t quite as high-quality as they had been a month ago… But he was working overtime to fund his cooking, so he could pursue his dream by himself, thank you very much.

He settled down to eat in front of a drama, curling his legs up underneath him in the armchair. His Netflix account suggested dramas that he was half-way through watching, that had been abandoned four weeks ago… He skipped past them, choosing instead to select something new.

After a couple of episodes, he turned off the TV, readjusting his position and resting his head down on the arm of the chair. He pulled out his phone, skipping through Instagram stories from his friends. His brother’s dinner, Kyungmi’s cocktails with her friends… And AJB’s third music show win, the seven boys holding their latest trophy, decked out in stage makeup and their black comeback outfits.

Yuchan held the photo in place, looking at the familiar faces, and then clicked through to YouTube. It was right at the top of his recommended videos: their latest performance from earlier that evening. In the two weeks since the comeback, there had already been dozens of performances of their title song, and Yuchan knew both the lyrics and the choreography inside out by now. He had seen the hashtags - _#SixtySecondsFirstWin, #SixtySecondsSecondWin –_ and now this, their third.

He felt a tumult of strange feelings at watching their name get read out as victorious – beating the other nominated group by twice as many points. Pride, even though he resented it. A strange disconnect – that the boys on stage were the normal kids in sweatpants that he had played video games with. But most of all, this almost intolerable wash of emotion when he looked at Junhee. He looked _beautiful_ , his outfit head to toe black, all chains and straps over soft satin fabrics and his hair bleached out to soft pink. His face lit up in a bright smile as their group’s name got called, and he stood with his arm around Kisang’s shoulders, laughing at something the little main dancer leaned up to whisper in his ear.

But most of all, Yuchan couldn’t stop looking at the corset belt cinching in Junhee’s minuscule waist, filled to bursting with gnawing fear at how tiny he was. He couldn’t help but fret: was he eating enough? Was he getting enough vitamins? He just wished he could cook him his favourite noodles and make sure he ate and slept enough…

But it was no longer his place to worry about him. Nor was it his place to wonder how Junhee felt today, the day before his court trial. He felt a strong urge to open the chat log with him and send him a message of support – but no, Junhee hadn’t contacted him either. He didn’t need his help.

He forced himself away from the AJB cycle and watched videos from his other subscriptions. But as the night fell, and he stayed curled up in the armchair, he couldn’t stop the way his heart felt so bruised. And nighttimes were the worst – worse than the quick pangs of sadness in the day, worse than the flashes of anger he forced himself to feel because it was easier to be angry than heartbroken. At night, it was just a slow, dull ache of loneliness.

He closed YouTube and opened Vlive, clicking through to the video from the night before. It was a voice-only broadcast, and Yuchan knew he shouldn’t do it – he shouldn’t be hanging on. But no one was here to see how pitiful he was… He closed his eyes, listening to Junhee’s quiet chatter into the recording, and fell asleep with his phone in his hand, still listening to his voice.

~

**_Junhee_ **

Junhee chucked down his keys on the kitchen table, feeling lightheaded with relief.

She was going to prison.

The girl who had exposed him, tried to hurt him, gotten inside his head… There would be no way for her to reach him now. He tugged open the top buttons on the smart shirt he had worn to court, letting out a long, slow breath. It was over.

He wasn’t sure his exhaustion left much room for relief. He had come in from their music show schedule last night and barely slept, and all day his heart had raced and his stomach churned. For a moment, outside those courtroom steps, he had thought he wouldn’t be able to go in. But his manager and CEO Choi had been right next to him, and somehow he had survived the trial and made it to the guilty verdict.

He didn’t bother to change his suit trousers and shirt, and instead just tugged his duvet from his bed, wrapping it around himself until he was smothered within it like a burrito. He shuffled out of his room inside it, flopping down on the living room floor in front of the TV, and snaking out a hand to pick up a PS4 controller. He snuggled right down into his cocoon, losing himself on the bright colours and dextrous puzzles of his game.

It felt undeniably like someone had lifted a great weight from his shoulders. He was so tired – tired of looking over his shoulder every time he left the apartment, tired of the slow realisation that he had become scared to drive, tired of looking at every fansite with an anxious suspicion.

And that was the worse thing. She was going to prison, the girl who had done this to him. But her impact remained; the damage was done. His eyes glazed over as the game showed a loading page. At their fansign this week, he had turned on the smiles and forced happiness into his voice – he was an old pro at that. But he hadn’t been able to escape the suspicion now that any one of the fans who came to sit in front of him could turn on him. All his trust had gone up in smoke.

He sighed, pulling his blanket tighter. He supposed he should just be grateful that today was, at the least, a step in a positive direction. It was just hard to find anything encouraging, right now. Not when his heart was aching so badly.

The second he had left the courtroom, he wanted to pick up the phone and call one person. He wanted to tell Yuchan the good news, to hear him soothe him and tell him how brave he had been for getting through the trial. He wanted to go round to his house and climb into his bed and hold him, where none of his demons could get him. But he couldn’t. He couldn’t see him, couldn’t even speak to him – and why should Yuchan care about him or his trial now?

Since he had been a little kid, his grandma had told him stories about the ‘red thread’ – connecting soulmates no matter where their lives took them. And while Junhee’s parents had laughed and told her not to fill his head with nonsense, he believed in it, and always hoped to find the person at the end of his thread. He sank down into the blanket. He had a terrifying feeling that he had taken his end of the thread and set a lit match to it. How could anyone ever come close to replacing Yuchan..?

The front door opened and a mix of voices snapped him from his thoughts. He paused his game and looked up, and six faces broke into smiles when they saw him.

“Junhee!” Jihoon sprung over first, and the others followed. He dropped down to a crouch in front of him. “Choi rang us and told us the verdict. You did it!”

And suddenly, still inside his protective cocoon, six bodies piled in to hug him, and he was squashed beneath them all, laughing despite himself.

“Hey, what’s with the burrito,” Kisang complained, yanking on the blanket. “Lemme in.”

Junhee opened his fortress and Kisang wriggled inside to join him, giving him a tight hug as Haesong ruffled Junhee’s pink hair.

“Proud of you, kid.” Junhee looked up at him. “You set a precedent today. Maybe others will think twice before doing something like this.”

And despite the hardness of the last few months, despite the exhaustion that sank deep in his body, he felt a real rush of gratitude and love for these boys. No matter what, they stayed at his side – and he could never put into words how grateful he was for that.

~

**_Yuchan_ **

Yuchan was in a fundamentally foul mood. It was rare for him – even when he had a rough day, he had a resilient optimism that meant he never stayed mad for long. He usually smiled his way through it – fake it ‘til you make it. But today he was allowing himself to sulk.

He was broke, _again_. He had sent his brother support, paid his phone bill, and then realised he had overspent on groceries, leaving him with precious little until the end of the month. It was a week since Junhee’s court case, yet tweets were still reaching his timeline and he couldn’t escape them. It was raining outside, so his plans to spend his day off wandering to cute bakery to pick up some snacks had been called off. And above all that, he was pissed off with his own subconscious. Why, _why_ couldn’t he take some ‘personal time’ without seeing Junhee’s damn face?! Why was it, when he was in the shower with his forehead leant against the tiles, that as his body tipped over the edge of pleasure, it was _Junhee’s_ breathy moans he heard, _his_ thighs wrapped around him that he could practically feel..?

So, he was sulking.

He leaned against the window, watching the rain slide down the pane of glass. He should go do something. Make himself busy. Go to the gym, or bake something… Anything to stop this pointless moping.

He stopped his musing as the doorbell rang. He sighed, quitting his brooding to go and answer it. He frowned as he opened the door to find nobody there, and then he looked down.

His heart skipped.

He crouched down, eyes widening for a moment over the prettiness of the flowers left on the doorstep. He turned over the tag – where they for Kyungmi? His pulse quickened as he read his own name. Were they _from_ Kyungmi, feeling sorry for him? Or his family?

He nudged the door shut with a foot, and delicately placed the flowers on the side in the kitchen. They were stunningly pretty – orange hyacinths, pale yellow roses and clusters of a tiny white flower spilling among green leaves. All his favourite colours. He slipped off the note attached to the side of the brown paper and unfolded it. The instant he saw the handwriting, his insides twisted.

He looked up at the wall, suddenly uncertain of what to do.

It was Junhee’s writing. And more than that, it wasn’t a brief note, it was a whole damn letter.

He took a deep breath, letting it out slowly. He honestly didn’t know what he wanted to do. To read it, or to run and leave it on the side and wait for Kyungmi to come home…

But despite the way the letter was shaking in his hands, he knew he couldn’t walk away without knowing what was on it. He swallowed, and began to read.

_Dear Yuchan,_

_I hope it’s okay for me to be sending you this. I have to admit that I don’t know what to do in a situation like this – and I hope you don’t think I’m overstepping the mark._

_I want to apologise to you for everything I said. I meant none of it. I know that that doesn’t make things better because it was still inexcusable – but I absolutely need you to know that those things, they’re not what I think. I’ve thought through it a hundred times, and I used cruel words to push you away because… well, you were right. Everything you said was right, and I was scared, because they were things I’ve not been ready to admit. I told you you didn’t know me because, actually, you know me better than anyone else has ever known me. And I panicked and pushed you away. Worst of all, I knew what to say to make you hurt, and I used that._

_I’m so sorry._

_Again, I know that this doesn’t make it okay. I’m not sending this to ask for forgiveness. I just wanted to explain to you, so that you know that I’ve thought about what I did and understand just how hurtful I was, so that I hope you can understand my apology really is sincere._

_I really hope you’re okay. I miss you._

_\- Junhee_

Yuchan threw the letter down, angry at the tears spilling down his face. He looked at the bright flowers and it only made them spill faster.

How was that supposed to make him feel? Angry – _hope you’re okay?_ No, he _hadn’t_ been okay, because of _him_. He was fucking _heartbroken_ because of him.

And how was he supposed to feel at that undeniably mature and honest explanation of the way Junhee had acted? Proud?

Was it okay to feel _this_ disappointed that Junhee hadn’t asked for forgiveness? Yes, he acknowledged that Junhee was being respectful and cautious and no, he didn’t want Junhee to push him but… Would Yuchan have turned away a plea for forgiveness?

And was it fair that he now had to admit to himself that he wished that _I miss you_ instead said _I still love you?_

Yuchan dried his eyes with frustration. He’d already shed far too many tears over this man, and they hadn’t achieved anything yet. He breathed steadily until he was confident he could get his emotions under control.

He looked at those happy flowers, and they made him want to sob. They made him think of Junhee, and all the things about him that Yuchan loved. And then he nodded to himself, decided.

Flowers in his arms, he went back to the front door, and headed down to the apartment on the bottom floor. It took a little while after the bell rang for the door to open, but as it did he smiled.

“Hi, Mrs Kim.” The elderly lady smiled as she saw him in the doorway.

“Yuchan, I haven’t seen you for a while.”

“It’s been a busy time.” His heart twisting, he held out the flowers. “Someone sent these to my apartment by mistake. I thought you might like them.” Mrs Kim’s eyes lit up.

“Oh, goodness! They’re so beautiful.” She got halfway to accepting them and looked up with worry. “Are you sure, dear? This is an expensive bouquet, you know! You and Kyungmi don’t want them?”

“It’s okay, Mrs Kim. You have them.”

He watched her light up over the beautiful petals. A lump formed in his throat, and he made his excuses and headed back upstairs. He couldn’t look at those flowers every day, knowing the confusion that would come washing through his chest. But it was more than that. He couldn’t _bear_ to watch them slowly wilt, and for there to come a day next week when he had to accept that they were gone, and throw them away.

The letter he folded; he headed to the drawer in his room where he kept his paperwork, and slipped it into the stack, closing it firmly.

~

**_Junhee_ **

It was late when Junhee finally collapsed into bed. They had spent the day filming their reality show, and then dashing over to record two hours of footage for a variety show that would air at the weekend. He had survived on coffee and determination alone.

If he was being honest, he didn’t feel very well at all.

He had to keep going. It was nearly the end of a month of promotions, and then they would immediately catapult into tour prep, ready to leave in the new year. The US, Europe… He wanted to hide under the duvet in fear at the thought of it. In their previous visits to the other side of the world, Junhee had found things hard. He didn’t like the foreign food, and he swore it was impossible to find simple, healthy meals in some countries… He had struggled back then, and now… He swallowed, turning over. He had to admit it: he was scared.

Wanting to distract himself, he opened his phone and started scrolling through Instagram. He told himself he was just absently scrolling, but it took less than a minute for him to click through to Yuchan’s profile. His bottom lip wobbled as he looked at the latest photos: pretty art on the top of frothy coffees, homemade sushi, and three photos of Yuchan, Kyungmi and their friends Anna and Seoyoon. He could hear their laughter through the photos – could hear, in the picture of Anna attacking Yuchan’s cheek with a lipstick, that loud, unabashed cackle of his. Junhee’s heart hurt. Yuchan looked so… _happy_. And that was a relief, of course it was, but… It hurt him, too. Because here he was, six weeks after he had fucked up everything, still hurting every single day. Still hating having to paint on fake smiles through the promotions. Still no less in love than he had ever been.

But Yuchan’s silence had told him what he needed to know. He had spun around in circles of uncertainty over whether to send those flowers, and decided that at the very least, he had to apologise. He had picked them out himself, and he had agonised for hours over the wording of his letter. In fact, he had written it three times, and only on the fourth had he felt like it was okay. He had been careful not to push too far, because it would be rich of him to ask for forgiveness or beg for Yuchan to talk to him after the spiteful things he had said to him.

But it had been a week now, and he had heard nothing in response. He had kept checking his phone hopefully – for anything, a text, a missed call… But Yuchan had remained silent. And Junhee had to accept that. It was over.

The door opened with a faint creak and Junhee looked up, smiling as Kisang shuffled in wearing his Spongebob pyjamas, his hair tied up in a sprout on top of his head.

“God, if the fans could see you now…” he teased. “You look adorable.”

Kisang headed over to the bunk bed and held out a hand. “Can I get in?”

Junhee shuffled over, making room for him to climb under the covers with him. Kisang cuddled up close to him, resting his head on Junhee’s shoulder, their pink hair mixing.

“Candyfloss bros,” Junhee said with a smile.

“Remember when we used to do this as trainees?” Kisang played with his earring. “Get into bed and chat?”

Junhee laughed. “Yeah. Couldn’t get this annoying little brat to stop climbing into bed with me.” He grinned as Kisang whacked him. “You were an actual baby.”

“I was eighteen,” Kisang corrected grumpily, but a smile twitched on his face. “I guess I just missed home a lot those days. I needed a big brother.”

Junhee smiled, resting his cheek against Kisang’s head. “Guess I needed a little brother too.”

“Y’know… I know I _am_ your little brother, but… I’m really proud of you.” Junhee shifted away, looking surprised. Kisang turned onto his side, lying on his arm and looking at Junhee with serious eyes. “This comeback has been wild enough. Like the choreo is insane, the schedule has been even more busy… But you did it all even though you had a whole court case going on. I’m proud of you, _hyung_.”

Junhee felt touched. “Thanks, Kiki.” He traced the patterns on the pillow case. “I don’t feel all that great about it though. I think I’ve survived, _just_. But it’s not been by much. And…” He paused. “I’ve lost something pretty important along the way.”

For a quiet moment, Kisang didn’t say anything. He watched Junhee, his dark eyes sad.

“I know you didn’t want to talk about it…” Junhee looked away. He hadn’t – the boys had come home that night to find him distraught, but already closed off to talking about it. He had broken up with Yuchan, and that was all he wanted to say about it. “But you can talk to me, you know…”

Junhee took a deep breath. “I really fucked up, Kiki.” He met his eyes frankly, even though it felt like a hand was clenched around his heart. “So… I came back here in a bit of a state, to be honest. I… I was on the terrace with Choi, and I thought I saw _her_. And I think I had a panic attack. So I drove home, and Yuchan called me, and I was really sharp with him and hung up. So he came over… I think he just wanted to come and make sure I was alright.” Junhee looked up, feeling hot with shame. Kisang took his hand. “And I just… just lashed out at him. He told me he didn’t think I was coping, especially after the accident but also in general, and…” He stopped.

“And..?” Kisang squeezed his fingers gently. Junhee searched his face and swallowed hard.

“And told me he thought I should see someone. Like a medical someone. And I was _scared_ , Kiki. So I went off at him. And I… I used everything that I knew would hurt him. Undermined him. Told him he didn’t know me – and that he couldn’t be sure I wasn’t lying to him about myself like I did at the beginning.” Junhee looked at Kisang, sick with himself. “And he just kept trying to stay with me, until I made him cry and asked him to leave.”

“ _Hyung…_ ” Kisang watched him, his face sad. “Have you spoken to him since?”

“I sent him flowers last week. Sent a letter that apologised and, y’know, showed I didn’t mean what I said, and why I said it all.”

“…Why do you think you said it all?” Junhee looked into Kisang’s eyes. His voice was gentle, and Junhee swallowed.

“Because he… he was telling me what I didn’t want to hear. Telling me… the truth.” Kisang waited patiently, and said nothing, keeping tight fingers around Junhee’s. “I… I’m struggling with anxiety and I… think I have an eating problem. Or I’m at least well on my way to one. And I need help.”

It was an indescribable feeling. So long kept hidden away inside, a secret, burning away inside him full of shame and self-disgust. A source of confusion, something he didn’t understand and refused to focus on. A feeling of weakness and fear. And saying it out loud – such a simple thing, just a few words – felt like the single greatest relief he had ever felt in his life.

Kisang watched his speech quietly. His face showed little reaction.

“Kiki?”

He took a deep breath. “I know.” Junhee looked at him in surprise. “I… I’ve kind of always known. I mean, I’ve seen how this series of events with the sasaeng has impacted you – and fuck, who wouldn’t have been? But I’ve… I’ve always known about your problems with, y’know, weight and food and stuff.” He looked furiously guilty, and now Junhee stroked his thumb in return. “I’m sorry, Junhee. Unlike Yuchan, I didn’t have the courage to say something…”

“No, Kiki, no…” Junhee brushed back a strand of pink that had slipped loose from his sprout. “Don’t apologise. It’s taken _me_ until now to acknowledge it. You can’t beat yourself up for that.”

For a moment they lay in silence, lost in their own thoughts.

It was alien, being able to talk about this freely. He didn’t feel out of control or panicked. He had already smashed through that pain barrier with Yuchan…

“So,” Kisang said eventually, breaking the silence. “What are we going to do?”

Junhee sighed. Admitting all this to himself, and to Kisang, was one thing – but it didn’t actually _fix_ anything. The pressure, the fears, the looming tour, the lost love of performing… They were monsters looming in his peripheral vision and he didn’t know what he _could_ do about them. But this was a step, and for now he could grasp it with both hands and hope it led him forward.

“I need to find someone to talk to. But… perhaps one step at a time?” Kisang nodded his encouragement. “Will you… help me talk to the boys?”

Kisang’s eyes grew sympathetic. “Of course I will.”

And that’s as far as Junhee could get today. He thought about looking into those five other faces and telling them, and thought about how uncertain he felt about the future, and thought about how this had come all too late for him to hold onto Yuchan. His eyes finally welled up with tears.

“Oh Junhee.” Kisang shifted and pulled him in tight, and he let himself cry. Not the contained, quiet crying he was used to – he let himself cry properly, messy and noisy, and it wasn’t even all sadness. It was mixed with relief, and maybe even the tiniest, most distant fragment of hope.

~

**_Yuchan_ **

“Are you heading off now?”

Yuchan wheeled his suitcase to the front door and turned with a nod. Kyungmi scurried over and gave him a hug.

“Have a safe trip, okay? I’ll miss you.”

He smiled, hugging her back. “It’s just Jeju. Flight’s like, an hour.” He pulled his mask up over his nose. “It’s only a couple days. I’ll be back before you know it.”

He had booked time off from work ages ago for this trip down to see his family – and now it couldn’t have come at a better time. It had been months since he had made the trip back to the island, and he felt a real pang of homesickness. As the plane lifted off from Seoul, he felt a little like he could leave these last couple of months on the ground, swept up in the smog and city lights. He needed the Jeju air to clear his head.

As soon as he stepped out from Jeju International, he filled his lungs with cold fresh air. He had adapted to Seoul, but nothing would ever compare to being home. He heard snippets of _satoori_ and drank it in, heading to get a cab.

It filled his heart to bursting to see two figures standing in the doorway as he hopped out the taxi – and he grabbed his suitcase and began to run up the path to home.

“Yuchannie!” His mom held out her arms and he flew into them, hugging her tight as she rubbed his back. His dad ruffled his hair, and for a moment, he was just a kid again – at home, in a quiet town, a very long way from the adult world of heartbreak and stalking and mental health. He laughed, pulling away as their two dogs appeared around his feet, barking and wagging their tails furiously.

“Ah, my good boys!” He crouched down to stroke them, and immediately got his face licked. He laughed, ticklish, and his mom stroked his hair.

“I’m so glad you’re home. And eh!” She went from smoothing his head to slapping it quickly, and Yuchan jumped, rubbing the spot she had hit with an exasperated glance. “Why haven’t you been eating? You look skinny!”

Yuchan laughed, following her inside with his dad and tripping over the cat that slinked through the hallway to assess the commotion. “Mom, I eat _so much_. You know this.”

“Ha! I don’t believe you.” She yanked up his t-shirt, patting him on the belly despite his protests. “What’s this, hey? What are these for?”

Yuchan pulled away with an amused tut. “Yeah, Mom, what on earth could a guy in his twenties want abs for..?”

“He takes after me.” Yuchan’s dad patted his soft belly with a smug smile, and they both grinned as his mom rolled her eyes.

There was no place like their family kitchen. It was all precarious stacks of pans, jars of homemade preserves, old recipe books and utensils hung from hooks. In the centre of the room, a big wooden table – and there were always newspapers and DIY tools and notebooks clustered on top. And always, always homemade snacks to be found. Yuchan leaned over the table, immediately hunting through the cookie jar.

“Hey, stop that!” Another soft slap, this time on his hand. “You’ll ruin your dinner!”

“Can’t win.” He took a cookie anyway, sitting on the edge of the table as he nibbled at it.

He sat in the kitchen as his parents finished cooking – and refused his offers of help – feeling a lot of stress melt from his shoulders. He loved watching them make food together. He had grown up in the restaurant’s kitchen, and it was where he saw his parents’ love the most. And the smells that began to fill the space where to die for.

The front door opened and closed as his parents plated up, and Yuchan’s head shot up. A face with a mischievous grin and twinkly eyes appeared around the kitchen door, and Yuchan leaped off the table and bounded over to swamp his big brother in a hug.

“Evening, y’little shit.”

Behind them, Yuchan’s mom tutted. “Yujin, is that any way to greet your brother?”

Yuchan grinned at Yujin as they broke apart, drew up to his full height and poked him in the face. “Evening, you littler shit.”

It was so easy to slot back into their old family life. Since both Yujin and Yuchan had moved out, he knew their parents spent more time than ever at the restaurant, but when they came back together and sat around the kitchen table in their old places, it felt like it always used to. His dad told cheesy jokes that his mom pretended not to laugh at, but failed; his parents asked more questions about his friends than they did him; and Yujin fought him with a fork for the last piece of food on every plate.

When they could finally eat no more, Yuchan’s parents shooed him away as they began to clear up dishes. He lugged his suitcase upstairs to his old room, and then pulled on a coat and slipped out into the back garden.

He pushed his hands into his pockets, wandering down the garden slowly. The sun was starting to set, and from their house’s position uphill from the sea, he could watch the waves mirror the blush pink sky. Full of food, he sat down on the wall at the bottom of the garden, watching the first stars blink into existence.

“Mind if I join?”

Yuchan smiled at Yujin and nodded him over. His elder brother perched on the wall next to him, drew out a packet of cigarettes and propped one between his lips. He offered the packet to Yuchan.

“I’m good,” he said, shaking his head. “But I’ll share yours.”

Yujin snorted and passed it over. “Nothing changes, hey.”

Yuchan went back to watching the sun come down, taking a long drag and letting the smoke flutter out from his lips slowly. He couldn’t recall how many times he’d sat out here as a teenager, usually when he was upset, or something was on his mind. Perhaps that’s why Yujin watched him now, a pensive looked on his face.

“This is about Junhee, right?”

Yuchan looked up. “How could you tell?”

Yujin took a drag of their shared cigarette and shot him an exasperated look. “Have you forgotten who you’re talking to?”

Yuchan let out a long sigh, and Yujin simply held out the packet again, and this time Yuchan took one for himself. He used the time he cupped his hand around the little flame, shielding it from the breeze, to find his words.

“I feel trapped. Like there’s two ways out from a breakup. You’re fine, and you move on. Or you’re not fine, but you get over it, and you move on.” He looked down at his hands. “I’m not moving on. At all.”

Yujin nodded, inhaling, eyes out to sea. “And are you fine?”

“Nope.”

“Mh. Like you’re still scrolling through photos of him, crying into his old shirts, not watching dramas you were watching together, and accidentally still masturbating over him?”

Yuchan stopped mid-drag, one eyebrow raised incredulously. “How the fuck do you know all that?”

Yujin snickered. “You’re not the first person to go through a breakup in this family.”

“Well, you’re uncannily accurate.” He sighed, forlorn. “God, it sounds tragic when you word it like that…”

“Yeah. But it’s not though.” Yujin watched him, the smile fading away on his face. “I’m teasing you, because I don’t like to see my little brother sad. It sucks.” Yuchan glanced at him. “Y’know, all those things you’re feeling… it means you did really love him.” He tapped the ash from his cigarette. “Or… you _do_ really love him.”

“Yeah... It’s that one.”

“Thought so.” Yujin traced the outline of one of the stones in the wall. “Do you still think it was a good idea to get rid of his flowers and bury his letter?”

Yuchan looked away. “Yeah… They just made me sad.”

“Why?” Yuchan didn’t answer, and Yujin carried on gently. “Do you think Junhee would meet up with you, if you reached out to him?”

“I really don’t know.” Yuchan shrugged. “His letter didn’t ask me that… And anyway, that’s not the point. I can’t reach out to him. He has so much going on his life… A relationship was another pressure for him. It was too much. I was too much.” He swallowed, a lump sticking in his throat.

“I disagree.”

Yuchan looked up at Yujin. His brother wore a serious expression, and Yuchan realised how badly he needed this – his opinion mattered more to him than anyone else’s.

“It sounds to me like you got through to a very troubled person and he lashed out, but he recognises what he did and he regrets it. From what you told me about his letter… He was being respectful of your boundaries. He wasn’t going to ask you to meet when for all he knew, you were super pissed at him and never wanted to hear from him again.” Yuchan looked down at the cigarette smouldering between his fingers. “This narrative about your relationship being some enormous burden that became the straw that broke the camel’s back? You’re projecting that onto the facts. I’m not saying it’s _not_ true… but I don’t think you can say that with certainty.”

“…You think he sent that letter hoping I would get in touch with him?”

Yujin tilted his head. “Yeah. But don’t get me wrong,” he added. “If his words were enough to hurt you and push you away in a way that’s irredeemable then that’s completely fair enough. I’m not saying that just because he’s going through a hard time, you should feel obliged to forgive him.” He paused. “But if you still love him, and miss him… I think you should at least reach out to him. Talk to him. If nothing else, you can end things on a better note so that you can move on without a taste of bitterness in your mouth.”

Yuchan looked away, a swell of confusion and sadness mixing in his stomach. But he couldn’t fault Yujin’s logic. And no matter what had happened between them… his opinion was the one Yuchan trusted the most.

They smoked quietly until they finished their cigarettes, and Yuchan let out the last of his smoke with a sigh. “Love is hard.”

“Oh yeah. Now that I fucking agree with.” Yujin shook his head. “And it’s not just hard – it’s messy, it’s confusing, it’s tiring, and it takes work from both sides. You know, it’s not like in the dramas. You don’t just choose someone, and love follows. You have to keep choosing that person, again and again, even when things get hard. Choose them at their worst, and their best, choose them when they’re tired or sick. And sometimes it’ll all fall down, and you choose to pick up the pieces and dust them off and put them back together again. That’s love. That’s _life_.”

Yuchan smiled faintly. “Thanks, Jin. I… I appreciate the talk.”

Yujin clapped a hand on his knee. “Don’t mention it. It’s what brothers do.” He hopped down from the wall, brushing off his jeans. Yuchan watched him, mulling over his words. “Oh, Chan? There’s something else.” Yujin turned to him, his hands in his pockets. “I’ve finally paid off two of the credit cards. Completely.” He nodded slowly. “I don’t need you to send me money anymore.”

Yuchan stared at him, caught completely off-guard. “Are you for real?”

“Yeah.” Yujin looked uncharacteristically serious. “I know we’ve been through this a hundred times, but… I know what a burden I placed on you. I’ve been humbled every day by you, and I’m grateful. Always will be. And some day, I’ll pay you back.”

Yuchan slid down from the wall, putting an arm over Yujin’s shoulders as they walked back to the house.

“Don’t mention it. It’s what brothers do.”

~

Yuchan was the last to go to bed that night. Yujin left at midnight to return home, and his parents eventually called it a night and headed up to bed. Yuchan loitered in the kitchen. It felt so good to be home.

But right now, it was Yujin’s words he kept mulling over. It was one of the reasons he had struggled to process everything on the day he had found out about his gambling habit – his brother was smart. Perhaps not book-smart, but he was sensible and level-headed.

Which is why he now found himself taking seriously what he had said. And he thought Junhee wanted Yuchan to reach out to him. Did Yuchan want to? Of course he did, and he had done every single day since they had broken up. He wanted to pick up the phone now, he wanted to tell him how badly he missed him, tell him how badly he _loved_ him. But it wasn’t that easy. He didn’t know what Junhee wanted. He didn’t know how he was coping. He couldn’t just call him. But then, how? How did he reach out a hand to Junhee, so that he could take it if he wanted to?

He sighed, sitting next to the basket of fresh tangerines cut from the groves nearby, ready for juicing or making into marmalade. He took one and split the skin with his nails, savouring the tang that tasted like his childhood.

For a minute, he just sat quietly, playing with the tangerines between his fingers. Thinking.

As the clock ticked over to 1am, he slid down from the table. He took a small box that some delivery had arrived in that day, and after a moment’s pause, started to fill it with tangerines.

~

**_Junhee_ **

It was the first time he had missed a schedule. In six years, he had gone to every fansign, every recording, every broadcast – no matter the colds he came down with, no matter the times he had twisted his ankle or hurt his back. But today, he had passed out, from exhaustion or some sickness he didn’t know. The boys had been resolute – he would go home, and he wouldn’t attend their radio schedule.

Junhee sat under a blanket on the sofa, thinking back on his conversation with them a few days ago. They had sat together in the dorm and waited patiently, looks of concern on their faces, as Kisang had held Junhee’s hand and waited for his immediate tears to steady. And somehow, he had managed to get it out – managed to tell them all what he had told Kisang.

Their outpouring of love and support had almost been overwhelming. None of them had looked at him like he was weak, or letting down the team. Their reactions had shown varying levels of surprise or lack thereof, but all of them had reassured him that he had their unwavering backing in whatever he needed to do to get through this.

The trouble was that it didn’t fix anything. It was a vast relief, for certain – he didn’t have to live a lie at home anymore, and that was _blissful_. And throughout the day, they checked in on him – it wasn’t in obvious ways, but he recognised the little moments when the boys made sure he was doing okay. But the way he felt inside hadn’t changed. And now this – blacking out in a stairwell on the way to a schedule.

He rested his head on the cushion. He was more tired than he could ever remember being. Every night, he lay awake worrying, and when he did sleep, he relived the accident again and again.

The intercom rang and he frowned. The boys were still at the radio show, and he wasn’t expecting anyone else. Suspicious as always, he went to look on the little screen and felt a flush of relief. Just a delivery.

He accepted the parcel and closed the door, distracted from his bleakness as he turned it around to look at the label. The box was heavy and it rattled faintly, and it was addressed to him. He sat back down, curling his legs up as he began to pick at the tape.

As he opened the box, he stopped.

He could smell them before he saw them – a fresh, bright smell that hit him like a summer’s day. He stared, confused, at the little box of tangerines he held in his hands. In between two fruits, a paper note stuck up. He withdrew and unfolded it.

_From Jeju, with love._

It was instant, the way his breath got shaky. His hands trembled, and he couldn’t stop staring at that familiar handwriting – messy and scrawled but right now, the most beautiful writing he could imagine seeing. He looked up, trying to blink away tears, but he failed.

Yuchan had always pitched them as his cure-all, these magical tangerines. Whenever he was down, or he’d had a shaky day, that’s what Yuchan wanted to be able to fetch for him. And Junhee didn’t know for sure what this gesture meant, and he desperately tried to stop his wildly beating heart from jumping to conclusions that he barely dared to hope for, but he _did_ know that this little box of fruit was Yuchan’s hope for him to be okay. Something to heal him. And that meant he still cared.

When he could stop trembling and get to his feet, he carried the box to his bedroom. Without dwelling on it, he got into pyjamas, washed up his face, and made himself food – just instant noodles, but his body responded with relief as he finally fed himself. He finished most of them, and then peeled open a tangerine, his mouth filling with a sweet tang that felt like being a kid again. It was only 9pm, but he decided it was time to sleep. Why? Because he knew that if Yuchan was here, that’s what he’d want. He’d make sure he ate, and make sure he rested, and Junhee wasn’t about to receive that message and not take care of himself.

And more than that – so much more than that – the huge question mark over his future was suddenly gone. He had realised what he needed to do.

He fell asleep as soon as he turned out the light, for the first time in a long time. He still held Yuchan’s note in his hand.

~

Junhee, Haesong and Kisang sat outside the office quietly. When Junhee looked up at Haesong, his older friend and leader gave him a warm and encouraging smile. Junhee knew that this wasn’t the easiest day for them, either. But he was glad to have them at his side.

The door opened and a trainee left, and Mr Choi appeared in the doorway.

“Boys, come in.” He gestured them to the comfy seats in the window, and all of them sat down. Choi looked between them pensively, eyes lingering on Kisang and Junhee’s clasped hands. He looked at Haesong with an astute gaze, as though he knew precisely why they were here. “What can I do for you?”

~

**_Yuchan_ **

“So it was nice to be back in Jeju?”

Yuchan leaned back against the counter, watching Ren, his work friend, make up a batch of takeout coffees for a customer.

“Yeah. It really was. The weather gets pretty wild in winter so the flight home was super choppy, but it was so nice to see my family for a couple of days.”

“You see your brother?”

“Yeah.” Yuchan thought back to his time with Yujin. It still hadn’t sunk in that he wouldn’t have to transfer a chunk of his pay cheque at the end of the month… Or any month after that. And not only was that a tangible relief for his living situation, but the last barrier of tension between them had dissipated. “He’s still as obnoxious as ever.”

Ren smiled, and turned to fetch a tray for his coffees. He looked over Yuchan’s shoulder as the bell above the café door tinkled and his eyes widened in surprise. With an unreadable expression, he nodded at Yuchan to look.

Yuchan’s heart physically fluttered in his chest.

“I’ll leave you to it.” Ren quickly gathered his drinks and turned to take them over to the customer.

Junhee’s hands were in his pockets, and he looked cautiously at Yuchan, everything about his body language apologetic. The smile he gave was tentative.

“Hey.”

It took a great deal for Yuchan to find his voice. “Hi.”

“I… I know it’s not really great to come and corner you at work. I can go, if you’re not comfortable…”

“No, it’s… okay.” Yuchan wiped his hands on the back of his jeans, his palms sticky. His heart kept beating hard. “You went with the pink hair.” He smiled awkwardly, feeling his face go warm.

“Huh? Oh, yeah.” Junhee laughed self-consciously, reaching up a hand to play with a curl of soft pink. God, it was so _pretty_ , prettier in person, a splash of colour in contrast to his black jumper and black skinny jeans. Yuchan reined in his thoughts. “I forgot you wouldn’t have seen it…”

“Well I… saw it online.”

They both gave something that was halfway between a smile and a cringe. Junhee played with a bracelets between nervous fingers.

“I got the tangerines.” He met Yuchan’s eyes. “They really are as good as you said. I… Thank you.”

“I, er, got the flowers too.”

“You did?” A little flash of relief crossed Junhee’s face, and Yuchan realised with a twinge of regret that he had never even acknowledged them. But he just waited, watching Junhee chew his lip. He looked tired, and _god above_ he looked skinny… But in the seven weeks or so since they had last seen one another, it appeared Yuchan had forgotten just _how_ devastatingly gorgeous he was.

“So I was wondering…” Junhee said, his voice sticking a little. “If we could talk properly..? Um, could I… take you for dinner? Not to mean anything-” he quickly caveated, but not fast enough that Yuchan’s heart didn’t skip a beat. “But… so we could talk?”

Yuchan hesitated, and nodded. “Yeah. Of course.”

The hope that flashed over Junhee’s face was unmistakable. “Okay. Maybe tomorrow? Is it okay if I text you later?” Yuchan nodded again. “Cool. Well, I’ll get out from under your feet while you’re working. See you tomorrow?”

“Yeah. See you then.”

Junhee gave one last tentative smile and headed back out into the cold. Yuchan watched him leave, suddenly and very strongly unhappy to let him walk away.

_Be patient. You’ll see him tomorrow._

He felt a flash of anxiety. He didn’t know what Junhee wanted or expected from meeting him. He couldn’t get ahead of himself. But even if this was a way to heal the heartbreak so they could both move on with their lives… That was better than nothing, right?

He let out the breath he hadn’t realised he was holding. Despite his caution, his heart kept beating, and he couldn’t help feeling hopeful. Junhee hadn’t given away much – but Yuchan had seen it: Junhee’s awkward fingers, playing with three bracelets on his wrist as he tried to find the right words. And one of them, that he hadn’t realised until now that he had even lost in the breakup, was Yuchan’s.

~

Yuchan’s nervousness was through the roof as he headed down the street the following night. He kept telling himself to stop being stupid – he was just meeting Junhee, it was just the boy who hiccupped after drinking wine like a cartoon character, just the boy who fell asleep curled around a Bulbasaur plushie and woke up with his hair on ends. All he had to do was go to the quiet little restaurant they had gone to on their second date, and talk to him. And yet right now, it felt like the most terrifying thing on earth.

And it hadn’t stopped him taking a hell of a long time to get ready too. He was annoyed at himself for that – he shouldn’t be fussing over his hair and picking out nice outfits just for this. But the fact was, in his heart, he was desperate to see Junhee again, and was praying to whatever god was listening that maybe Junhee felt the same about seeing him.

All his attempts at rationality vanished as he stepped inside, and Junhee looked up and saw him. He split into a smile automatically, and when Junhee did the same, it was enough to steal his heart all over again.

“Hey.” Junhee watched him as he sat down, his fingers inside a soft pink jumper that matched his hair. Traces of makeup from whatever schedule he’d been at still edged his eyes. “How are you doing?”

_Still fucking insanely in love with you and it’s killing me every day._

“Yeah, alright. How are you?”

“I’m okay. Shall we get a drink? Feels like we could use one…” Junhee paused, and then went as pink as his hair. “Sorry, I’m not saying I need to drink to talk to you…”

“I know what you mean, don’t worry.” Yuchan’s amusement spread as a smirk on his face, despite himself, and Junhee’s did too. “Yeah, I absolutely want a drink.”

The waitress came to their table and flashed them a smile.

“You ready to order food too?” she asked.

“Oh, uh…” Junhee looked down at the menu. Anyone else might have missed the faint flash of anxiety that passed across his eyes, but Yuchan didn’t. He thought quickly.

“How about we just order a few bits to share? Then we can eat as much or as little as we want?” Junhee looked up in surprise, and gratitude swept over his face. Yuchan gave a knowing smile and Junhee returned it.

“How was Jeju?”

“It was great. So nice to be home.” Yuchan accepted the wine handed to him by the waitress and sipped it. “And Yujin had some news. He doesn’t need me to send money anymore.”

“Wait, what?!” Junhee froze, his glass halfway to his lips. “That’s brilliant!”

Yuchan nodded, looking down and playing with his bracelet. It was Junhee he had wanted to tell, when he had found out, because Junhee was the only one who knew. And he felt so mixed at the way his insides filled with happiness at his response now. His eyes flickered back up to Junhee’s face, and he wanted to cry at how badly he felt a compulsion to lean over and kiss him.

“Chan, I’m so sorry.” Junhee blurted it out suddenly, and it looked like he even caught himself off-guard. “For everything I said to you. And for… not contacting you for so many weeks afterwards.” He looked stricken. “I’m… I’m… Did you read the letter I sent you?”

Yuchan nodded. “Yeah, I did.”

“I meant what I said, but I want to tell you in person too… What I did was cruel. And I’m so sorry.” Yuchan found it hard to look at him. Instead, he kept his eyes down.

“It’s okay, Junhee,” he said quietly. “I understand.”

“I want you to know that… you were right. About all of it. Anxiety. Stress. And my relationship with food. And my body.” The words sounded sticky and Junhee’s eyes filled up with tears, and it broke Yuchan’s heart. He knew how hard this was for him to admit. “You were right. I need to work through what happened with that girl and I need to talk about the way it’s made me feel. And I need someone to help me… to rewire the way I feel about eating and the way I see myself. A doctor. I don’t feel a need to be diagnosed but I _do_ need someone to help me.”

Yuchan couldn’t take it anymore. He reached out across the table and laced his fingers through Junhee’s, and Junhee instantly gripped his hand tight.

“I’ve hidden it for a _long_ time, and I refused to admit it to myself. Especially after the photos were leaked, and the accident… I didn’t want to admit it had affected me so much. I thought if I told everyone I was okay, I could kid myself that I _was_ okay. That I was strong.” He kept his eyes on Yuchan’s. “And then you told me what you told me, and it forced me to admit it to myself. And that’s why I turned on you.”

“I understand.” Yuchan nodded. “And maybe I should have found a time to talk to you more sensitively… And not throw it out there when you were clearly having a bad day.”

Junhee shook his head. “No, it’s not on you.” He hesitated as their waitress brought food over. He took a steadying breath. “But I told the boys everything. And I’m going to find someone to help me.”

Yuchan looked at him with surprise. “…Junhee, that’s great.”

“I just realised that it’s all become too much for me to process alone. The pressures in AJB are enough to make me struggle anyway… And then I was lying to Choi… I was eating less and feeling shittier about myself… And then everything with the sasaeng.” He looked down, his face sad. For a long time, he didn’t continue, and Yuchan wondered if he should speak, until- “And a relationship.” Junhee looked up, and this time he didn’t quite manage to blink away the tears in time. “I… I want to be totally honest. That was a time constraint and another pressure and if someone is in healthy circumstances, a relationship is a good thing, but… in the headspace I’ve been in, it became another commitment that I… I had to find time for, when I already had barely any time to eat and sleep.”

It hit Yuchan like an arrow to the chest, and he was shocked at the pain. But with it, respect for Junhee’s honesty. And he was absolutely right.

“The fact was, I felt like my world was falling apart, but that doesn’t change that what I said to you was mean. All you did was stand by me, and try and help, and I’m sorry that that’s how I treated you for it. I should have seen that, and worked that out without pulling you through all this.”

“Junhee, please, don’t…” Yuchan was very, very close to tears. “You have no _idea_ how brave you are to have gone through all this, and tried to shoulder this, and you’re even braver for accepting help now.” He paused. “Even through everything, you treated me _well_ , and made me… feel more loved than I’ve ever felt.” Junhee watched him, and he realised he couldn’t hold it in any longer. “And the fact is… I… I love you. I really do.” He looked at him helplessly. “And every day we’ve been apart, I still loved you. That hasn’t changed at all.”

“Chan… Do you mean that?”

“Yeah,” he croaked. “Of course.”

Junhee put his other hand over the ones they had clasped.

“…I thought you would hate me.”

Yuchan shook his head. “You’d have to do a lot more to make me hate you, Junhee.” He looked up, apprehensive. “I thought you hated me too.”

“Yuchan, I love you with my whole heart.”

Never had words sounded sweeter.

They looked at each other, watery-eyed, and for just a moment, they leaned their faces a little closer, eyes fixed on each other. But then Junhee turned away.

“But while I was working out everything in my head, I realised that we… we can’t be together, not while I’m in AJB, not while I’m… finding everything so hard.” Yuchan’s heart twisted hard. “It was too much to lie to my company every day about it. Plus… People can’t give love to anyone else if they don’t take any time to love themselves too.”

 _We can’t be together_.

So this was it. Overwhelming heartache gripped Yuchan, so hard he rendered him numb. All this time he had held on to anger, grief, love – all of it, because holding on meant never having to let go of hope. But Junhee was right – they couldn’t be together when his life demanded so much of him, when he had so little time, and the precious time he had needed to be spent on recovering.

He had to move on.

“But I’m… I’m sort of fucking this up.” Yuchan met Junhee’s eyes as he continued. “I… This… I needed to talk to you. Tell you all this, but also… There’s something else…”

He took a deep breath, and what he said next left Yuchan lost for words.

~

**_Junhee_ **

This must have been the thousandth time they prepared for a live broadcast, although it wasn’t so often that all seven of them crammed into the frame together.

They sat in one of their studios, a tripod set up in front of them ready to go. Behind it sat more staff than they had ever had attending one of their Vlives, and Junhee met their manager’s eyes. He raised his eyebrows in question and Junhee nodded.

A small, warm hand slipped into his. Junhee looked up at Kisang, and the smile he gave him was so reassuring, it almost managed to chase away the butterflies in his stomach. He drew on that strength, took a deep breath, and looked into the camera as the connection turned green.

“One, two, three, _always in motion_ , we’re AJB!”

Junhee ducked his head in time with the others. It was a reflex these days.

“Hi, Honeybee.” Haesong spoke, one hand on Junhee’s knee. “Thank you for coming in. Sorry we’re a few minutes later than we said we’d be.” He paused, watching the viewer number skyrocket to the tens of thousands. “We wanted to speak to you today. All of us, all seven of us, always want to be open and honest with you, and talk candidly with you. You’re always honest with us, and we owe you the same in return.” He turned and looked at Junhee, his eyes filled with a question. _Ready?_ “Junhee?”

“Yeah.” He nodded, and looked up at the phone. Kisang’s hand tightened on his. “I wanted to talk to you like this. Um, this isn’t easy…” He looked down, and immediately he felt hands on his back in support, and looked up at his boys’ faces. They were filled with nothing but love. “Most of you know that a while ago, I was… I was in an accident. You’ll have followed the statements, and you’ll know about the legal suit that followed. Throughout our latest comeback, we’ve kept going… I’ve kept going. But it hasn’t been easy.

“I’ve been struggling, over the last year. And everything that happened has made things harder. And I don’t want any of you to worry… I’ll be fine. But… I’ve realised that I really need to take some time to heal and work on myself. I have to prioritise my wellbeing and health.” Haesong put a steadying arm around him. “So I’ve made the decision to leave AJB.”

Over days, weeks, months to come, there would be articles written, fans crying, letters of support turning up at the agency door. But right now, all Junhee could feel was a numb relief.

His decision was made, and he had told the world.

“We support Junhee every step of the way.” Junhee looked up as Haesong spoke, tears pressing on his throat. “You’re our best friend, and our brother. We’ll help you and we’ll always be here for you.”

“Hae, please don’t…” Junhee laughed, but it was tearful. He nodded, drawing a shaky breath. “Everyone here has been so kind and supportive. I was scared of talking to everyone but… when it comes to mental health, talking is the most important thing of all. And this agency is my family. The boys… are my family.” Finally, tears made their escape, and Kisang wiped them away with his thumb. “I know this is a bit of a shock to say on Vlive but… I didn’t want this to come from anyone but me. I love you, Honeybee, and I’ll treasure all the memories you’ve given me. And one day, I’ll see you again. I promise.” He smiled as Jihoon ruffled his hair. “When I feel better, I’ll work on music again. It might be by myself but… I’ll come back, if you wait for me. I promise.”

The others spoke briefly, offering their support, reassuring the fans that the rest of them would continue as normal, and making light jokes to lift his spirits. Eventually, it was time to sign off.

“So, please look after these boys.” Junhee forced his emotions to stay in check. “And please look after yourselves too, Honeybee.” _Don’t cry. Don’t cry._ “Let’s meet again.”

And for the last time, the connection cut.

Junhee sat, looking at the blank screen, shellshocked.

“I’m so proud of you.” Kisang leaned his face against Junhee’s, and he finally let fall the tears he had held back. But they fell faster, and faster, until he put his head in his hands and wept.

He felt seven pairs of hands rubbing his hair, his back, and seven voices telling him he was brave and strong.

When he looked up, he saw not just the boys there supporting him. The staff too. Their directors, their manager, their vocal coach, choreographer, English teacher, stylist, makeup artist… His family. Not a single disappointed face. Nothing but love.

And finally, he looked up at Choi.

When he had walked into Choi’s office that day last week with Haesong and Kisang, Choi had looked at him with an expression like he already knew. Junhee hadn’t been composed at all that day: he had sobbed his heart out before he had even said a word. And then he had told him everything – not just his struggles, but his sexuality, his relationship… everything. It had poured out, like a burst blister, and Choi had just waited, patient and calm.

_You’ve made a decision, haven’t you, Junhee?_

That was all he said – no argument, no disapproval. He had waited for the others to dry Junhee’s tears, and then discussed his options with a logical head. And most precious of all, he had shown his support for Junhee’s choice: _perhaps you’ll be part of a shift in attitude towards idols. God only knows we should all be prioritising your health over music._

Now, Choi looked at him with an unreadable expression as Junhee got to his feet, wiping his face on his sleeve and bowing. As he righted himself, Choi watched him, and then opened his arms.

It felt a lot like hugging his father – only he hadn’t done that in many years. Junhee’s tears started afresh, and as he buried his face against Choi’s chest, he realised: they weren’t tears of sadness. Of course, walking away from AJB and Honeybee was sad – difficult and shocking and emotionally charged – but it was something else. He was _relieved._ He could rest. He could heal. He might even be happy.

Choi held his shoulders as he pulled away. “I hope you know that when you’re ready to make music again, in whatever capacity that is, and whenever down the road that is, my door is open to you always.”

Junhee looked up, heart filled with gratitude. “As if I would ever go anywhere else.”

~

**_Yuchan_ **

Yuchan’s hands shook on his phone.

He watched Haesong speak first, and then Junhee, and then his eyes got blurry and he couldn’t see anything anymore. That pink-haired boy looked so small, and tired, and all Yuchan wanted to do was take him in a hug and hide him away from the world.

But Junhee was so much stronger than that. He spoke to thousands of people, only the wobble in his voice a hint to the weeks and months of hardship that had led to this. Nothing would ever make Yuchan forget the awe and pride that blossomed in his chest as he watched him talk, his hand clasped in Kisang’s.

Junhee’s announcement over dinner three days ago had rendered him speechless. As he watched the broadcast, Junhee’s words from that night returned to him:

_I spoke to the boys a lot. We had a lot of conversations. And we talked about my options… And for a little while I didn’t know what to do. But then I got your box of tangerines and it was just… the littlest thing, but… I knew what to do. So I went to talk to Choi. I needed to take away the pressure and prioritise my health. But most of all, I need to prioritise the thing that makes me happiest: not music, not performing, and not fame or success-_

Yuchan was snapped back to the present as the boys signed off their short broadcast. He closed the app and put away his phone – now wasn’t the time to follow the social media fallout. Let the news sites and fans whip up a frenzy around AJB’s Jun; he only cared about Junhee.

He paced to the kitchen, absently clearing away dishes from the drying rack. His thoughts went back to the restaurant. Outside, Junhee had turned and looked up at him, his pretty dark eyes filled with relief, and hope, and trepidation. Yuchan had recognised that Junhee had a very big step ahead of him, before he could focus on the future. He had known that he had to give Junhee the space he needed to do this…

But what he had intended as a simple hug had become Junhee’s arms clung around his waist, and one of Yuchan’s hands on Junhee’s hair. They had held each other tight for a long time, until Junhee’s phone had rang and he had reluctantly pulled away…

Eventually, Yuchan’s phone buzzed. He stopped his tidying as his heart jumped to his mouth. Unable to wait, he grabbed a pair of sneakers and shoved them on, pulling open the front door.

And this time, as he replayed Junhee’s words, he replayed them in full:

_But most of all, I need to prioritise the thing that makes me happiest: not music, not performing, and not fame or success… You._

Yuchan ran down the stairs so fast he nearly tripped and wrenched back the front door. Just as he did, a familiar boy with pink hair shut the door to his white car and looked up. Yuchan’s eyes filled with tears, but he smiled.

They both broke into a ran and met halfway down the path, and Yuchan swept Junhee off his feet.

“I’m so proud of you.”

Junhee laughed into his hair as he span him around. Yuchan let him slide to the ground, heart thudding, and the sight of Junhee’s tears made his own well up faster. They both laughed awkwardly, stepping back to wipe their eyes.

“How do you feel?”

“Free,” Junhee said simply. “Sad, and tired, but… free.”

Yuchan nodded, and all the words he wanted to say stuck in his throat.

When they had met three nights ago, Yuchan had been quick to give Junhee his wholehearted support. Lavished him with encouragement, told him how much he supported him, and how he’d be right here after it was done. But he had held back on asking what he wanted to ask… what it all meant…

“Yuchan.” He looked up at Junhee’s tearful face as his bottom lip trembled. “I couldn’t have got here without you. I… I’m so in love with you. Not having you here every day has been… It felt like my sunshine had been taken away. What I told you – I meant it. It took losing you to realise that I couldn’t carry on the way things were. But it also took losing you to make me realise that… You’re the most important thing. You’re my happiness.”

Yuchan blinked tears down his face. All the pain in his heart disappeared.

“Junhee, I know you have a lot to work on…”

Junhee shushed him. “I do. But I want to do it with you next to me.” He hesitated. “Will you… Can we..?”

He didn’t need to pose the question.

Yuchan pulled him into his arms, and kissed him fiercely.

Pulling him in tight by his waist, feeling his hands reach up to hold his face, the way his lips felt against his own… This was where Yuchan was supposed to be. This was home.

Nearly six months ago, it was on this spot outside Yuchan’s apartment that they had kissed for the first time.

Now, it was the first kiss on a long road – and one that wouldn’t always be easy – but one that led them to the future, and one that they walked together.

** Epilogue **

Yuchan smiled as he walked, reaching up absent fingers to catch the blossoms that fell from blush pink trees. They were late this year – still fluttering down like wedding confetti in early May. Behind them was a clear blue sky as spring bowed out to summer.

It was always nice to be in the fresh air after cooking class. He had never known creating food could feel so much like a workout, and he always left bubbling with endorphins and appreciative of the breeze on his face. And these days, he knew all the best spots in the city to wind down after class – the best views, the prettiest café gardens... After all, it was nearly two years since he had moved to Seoul, and it had finally come to feel like home.

Beyond the blossom trees, he crossed the grass to the new-build apartments ahead, the ones lined with saplings out front and spilling with potted plants from balconies above. Feeling lazy, he opted for the elevator to the sixth floor, rummaging in his pocket for his keys. He sifted through them, separating out the one marked with a flower sticker.

Sunlight spilled into the big open-plan apartment he let himself into. French windows were thrown open, white drapes waving lazily on the breeze. Creative artworks inspired by video games were framed on the wall, and plants clustered in corners. Yuchan kicked off his shoes and put down his keys on the breakfast bar.

The living space and kitchen were empty, but Yuchan smiled as he stopped to listen. Quietly, he followed the sound of music across the apartment and down the hallway that led from beyond the kitchen area.

Junhee was too absorbed in playing piano to hear him come in. Yuchan leaned in the doorway without a sound, a doting smile on his face as he listened to him play, relishing being able to watch him unnoticed.

When Junhee had come to move out from AJB’s dorm five months ago, they had searched together for a place for him to live. Junhee’s eyes had been round and happy the second he had set foot in this place, and Yuchan knew that this home had become his haven. And no room more precious than this space, his music studio.

Junhee finished his song, still unaware, and Yuchan took the opportunity. He padded across the room and slipped his hands over Junhee’s eyes from behind.

“Hey!” Junhee laughed and pulled them away, and smiled up at Yuchan as he ruffled his hair. “Hey, you.”

“Hey.” Yuchan squashed in sideways on the piano stool to face Junhee. “How’s my favourite boy?”

“Dunno,” Junhee said, pretending to look thoughtful. “You should go and ask him.”

“Oh shut up, dummy.”

Junhee grinned as he kissed him. Yuchan smiled, looking at him wistfully. His hair was its natural dark brown and grown out; he wore a loose white t-shirt tucked into slim patchwork jeans.

“Why are you looking at me weird?”

Yuchan leaned close. “You look so good.” Junhee let the jokes go and gave in to kissing him properly, a hand slipping onto Yuchan’s thigh. “Mh. I missed you today.”

“You big softie.” Junhee played with Yuchan’s bracelet. “How was class?”

Yuchan grinned. “So good. But do I smell like braised pork?”

“I didn’t like to say…” Junhee grinned as he got shoved. “You’re making me hungry.”

“I’ll make you some later if you want.” Yuchan held Junhee’s waist. “How was counselling?”

Of all the changes Junhee had made after stepping away from AJB, that one had been the biggest mountain to climb. Making himself a home he felt comfortable in, getting the sleep and rest he needed, stepping away from the punishing cycle of schedules and rehearsals… Those things were the easy bits, and of course, they had had an immediate impact on Junhee’s wellbeing. But that was the first battle in a long war, and there were scars running too deep for lifestyle changes to fix.

“Oh, fine. I swear Dr Lee’s getting bored of me. We just talked about music and clothes.”

Yuchan smiled. “Good. Let me get changed so I don’t smell like food and you can tell me about it.”

He headed into Junhee’s bedroom, leaving him to play. The double wardrobe was filled to bursting with clothes – he truly had never seen a boy with so many outfits – but one side had slowly filled up with his own things. At first, a spare t-shirt, some jeans left behind… But eventually he had just accepted defeat and left half his wardrobe here. He may still live at his place with Kyungmi, but he was here so often – and besides, he knew full well that Junhee wore his clothes when he wasn’t looking.

Yuchan pulled off his shirt and started rifling through the wardrobe, but he was interrupted by arms slipping around his waist from behind. He bit down on a smile, the hairs on the back of his neck standing up as Junhee pressed kisses into his shoulders. He turned around and pulled him in close.

“Wanna undress me too while you’re at it?”

Yuchan kissed his throat, feeling a thrill of pleasure as he heard Junhee’s breath catch and felt his fingers on him tighten. God, he would _never_ tire of the power he had over him this way. “You know I _always_ want to undress you.”

He took great pleasure in undressing them both slowly, but lost his breath as Junhee grabbed him and chucked him down onto his back on his bed, kneeling over him and pinning his shoulders. Junhee looked victorious, a grin breaking out on his face.

For a moment, Yuchan just stared up at him. His heart fluttered. God, he was fucking _gorgeous_. There had been a slow, gradual change in Junhee over the last few months. And Yuchan knew full well it came from hard work, and a hell of a lot of strength and bravery. But these days, his slenderness was not painful skinniness, and the dark circles that had taken up permanent residence under his eyes had disappeared. He sat composing on the balcony most days, and the sun had turned his skin a warm honey brown. It had been one heck of a long path, but Yuchan was utterly lost for words on how this healthy boy was even more stunning.

“Oh, nice try.”

Junhee raised an eyebrow. “What do you-”

He couldn’t finish his sentence as Yuchan flipped them both over, and immediately found his neck with his lips. One of Junhee’s hands instinctively reached back and his fingers curled around the headboard to brace against, and it was just one of those tiny habits that Yuchan got absolutely high on. He began to work on Junhee, kissing his body, desperate to make him feel good and intoxicated by his taste. He wasn’t sure if the novelty was supposed to be wearing off yet, but he was still so instantly turned on by every touch, every meeting of their eyes.

And then there was that _other_ habit. Perhaps it had started when Junhee had learned to let go of all his pent-up feelings in other parts of his life, but god, his poor neighbours… Yuchan grinned dizzily and clamped a hand over Junhee’s goddamn noisy mouth as he finally arched his back and tensed. Yuchan worked him through it – ah, but _nope_ , it was too hot to watch, and hear, and he did a poor job of keeping himself quiet as the room disappeared and his whole body drowned in pleasure.

“Ugh.” Yuchan lay down next to him when he regained the ability to move, and Junhee pulled him close. “ _Ugghh_.”

“Yeah…. Seconded.”

They both grinned, and snuggled in close to each other, catching their breath and letting their racing pulses calm down. Yuchan glanced at Junhee, all pink-faced and messy-haired, and felt a twinge of adoration. He kissed his forehead.

“I’m so proud of you.”

Junhee looked up, surprise in his eyes. “You know…” he smiled, “you don’t have to tell me that every day.”

Yuchan pushed back his hair. “Tough, because I’m going to.”

Of course, it hadn’t been easy, getting here. In fact, it had been damn hard, and exhausting, and at times he had needed to sit with Kyungmi and cry. The path of Junhee’s recovery wasn’t linear, nor straightforward, and there had been days he had come home from counselling in floods of tears. Days when he had struggled with his image in the mirror, days when a black car or a girl with a camera could bring everything flooding back. And there was still a long way to go.

But the good days were getting happier, and the bad days were growing few and far between.

And on that ongoing journey, there had been moments Yuchan knew they would both always cherish. He stroked Junhee’s hair now, thinking with affection of their trip to Jeju in February. He had expected to feel nervous the first time he brought home a boy – but the butterflies had been nowhere to be seen. His heart had filled with a happy glow as he had sat in the kitchen with Junhee, introducing him to his parents and Yujin. Straight away, he had become part of the family. Easy as that.

“Come on.” Junhee eventually tugged himself away, kissing Yuchan’s chest as he went. “Otherwise we both know we’ll fall asleep.”

They showered and redressed, and Yuchan pottered around in the kitchen making coffee before he padded out to the balcony. Junhee followed him out, sliding onto Yuchan’s lap and sipping his coffee as he pulled out his phone.

“Wanna watch their latest video log?”

“Of course.”

Yuchan adjusted Junhee in his lap as they started to watch the video. He smiled, happy to see AJB’s latest shenanigans. Junhee’s eyes lit up too – Yuchan knew how much he loved keeping up with the boys. He knew sometimes he felt wistful, and there were days when he missed it, of course there were. But together, they followed their adventures and watched their performances, until the day could come when Junhee would meet them on stages again.

“Oh yeah,” Junhee said as the video ended. “The boys can all make it Friday. You still gonna come too?”

“’Course.” Yuchan smiled, looking forward to seeing the six AJB boys. They were always the life of the party. “Can Kyungmi come too?”

Junhee shot him a sly grin. “I’m pretty sure Kisang will be grumpy if you don’t invite her.” Yuchan snorted softly, giving him a knowing look.

He patted Junhee’s legs to make him shift to his own chair, and stood up to clear his empty cup. He caught his foot on the chair though, and fumbled the mug between his fingers. The last dregs of cold coffee splashed out the cup and splattered over Junhee’s sleeve. He flinched back too late, and looked up at Yuchan with wide eyes.

“Oh shit, sorry!” Yuchan said.

They looked at each other and burst out laughing, feeling all too familiar with this moment. Junhee grinned and caught the towel Yuchan threw him.

“Isn’t this where you give me a lame chat-up line?” Yuchan teased, laughing as Junhee smacked him with the towel.

“Isn’t this where you ask for my number?”

They both grinned, and Yuchan leaned down to kiss him, as delicate pink cherry blossoms swept in on the breeze.

_｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆ The End ｡･:*:･ﾟ★,｡･:*:･ﾟ☆_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was without doubt my favourite fic to write so far, and I really hope you enjoyed it! I found myself writing in big 6,000-word chunks at 2am, and it’s been a long time since writing has come so easily. Creating fics for you has become a true joy – thank you, as ever, for reading.
> 
> Some fic trivia:  
> \- 14 tangerines were consumed during the writing of this fic  
> \- 11 times, Junhee said ‘I’m fine’ when he was, in fact, not fine  
> \- 3 times I cried actual tears over your kind comments  
> \- And, the most important stat of all! During the writing of this fic, one real sasaeng got the justice she deserved. Way to go, Beat Interactive.
> 
> Please let me know what you thought – your comments and feedback spur me on and inspire me to keep going!
> 
> Take good care of yourselves - I'll see you soon.
> 
> With love,  
> The Indigo Dragonfly
> 
> [Come say hi on Twitter!](https://twitter.com/IndiDragonfly)


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